You can’t go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen.

Because life’d be meaningless and boring and just not worth living.

But you can change the future.

And that’s a beautiful thing about life.

Yes, you will make mistakes.

And yes, you will have bad days.

But as long as you let the past go, you’ll have such a gorgeous and bright future ahead of you.

Knowing that things were meant to happen.

Knowing that each day you will learn something so that you keep growing to be a better person.

Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into one marvelous stream that you have the chance you use something amazing from.

So grab hold of it.”

I was in Madrid from last week Sunday afternoon to Thursday, Granada over the weekend, and thru the overnight train already in Barcelona till Friday.

In a way, it’s a bit frustrating because you couldn’t sample as much tapa as you want if you had a companion. It’s almost more expensive from an accommodation point of view. A savings of 15-20 Euro a day DOES add up.

However, it has been also exhilirating traveling alone.

You can’t imagine just how many churches I’ve been to, prayed and cried. Or exploring what type of travels that I personally like (e.g., wake up early, get brunch to eat, scour the city in the afternoon, having a nice dinner and walking around to go back to hostel).

I used to think I was that early bird who wanted to do everything when traveling from the early morning sun. However, I realized that I actually like lounging in bed in the morning, and go out energized in the afternoon. Didn’t know this before.

I also realized that I liked to “see” places. I am not the type of person who likes just walking around doing nothing. I want to see stuff, and check them off from my guidebook.

Shopping is also terrific with the tax-free rebate. Not as much as I’ve hoped though. Gosh, have to stop shopping.

In addition, I wrote something on my diary about my feelings. They were very real. I realized so many things during this trip about myself, about the relationships I’ve had with other people, etc.

Oh and for my breakup, yeah — I’ve kinda got over my “I blame myself completely for the demise” phase, and have moved on to a healthier place. I will type down what I wrote to share later.

In the end, these times has been about changes, and acceptance.

In a weird way, it’s about trust. Trust in God. I know some of you are not Christians, but I am and I cannot stress just how much my beliefs have helped me during these dark days.

Trusting in Him that He knows the way and has plans for you.

I leave with a quote that I found about reveling in Singleness:

“Good news: this is the life of a Christian. My Father is working everything out. He will provide for me. Today, I have everything I need for life and godliness. Today, nothing good has been withheld from me. Today, He is ordaining every detail of my day for my good. Today, I don’t need to be anxious about anything because He will take care of me.

The answer to the “why am I single” question is always: Because Jesus loves you. Because this is Him giving you what you need for today. Because this is the only way you’re going to finish this race. Because He promised to give you what was good and best and the key to your ultimate joy—and He’s going to do that, despite your attempts to sabotage your life.

We’ll waste this suffering if we look to our “odds” for hope instead of trusting in Jesus. We’ll waste it if we think the key to our joy is taking control instead of trusting. I know this tendency. It produces every kind of evil in coveting and questioning: Why is that girl married and not me? What if I don’t go to this party tonight and so I stay single? Don’t I have to put myself out there more? If I go to the nations, how will I meet a husband?

God’s mission calls. It is the purpose of our lives. Press on for the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Do not be distracted by details like marital status. Do not be kept out of the fight by fear of missing out on a date, but seek the greater glory of God.”

Amen.

============================

Please Hear What I’m Not Saying

 Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I’m afraid to take off
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me,
but don’t be fooled,
for God’s sake don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water’s calm and I’m in command
and that I need no one,
but don’t believe me.

My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me
of what I can’t assure myself,
that I’m really worth something.
But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare to. I’m afraid to.

 I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,
that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that’s really nothing,
and nothing of what’s everything,
of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying,
what I’d like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can’t say.

I don’t like hiding.
I don’t like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand
even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings —
very small wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator–an honest-to-God creator –
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It’s irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

What’s the difference between traveling alone vs. with someone else?

Well, first, you get real paranoid. No offense to the Spaniards but everyone (including my hotel receptionist) has told me there’s tons of pickpockets here that would put those in the Philippines to shame.

“If you place your bag in the floor,” the receptionist said. “It will be gone. They are very very fast.”

Creepy much?

But I am loving Madrid.

It’s so Spanish. Haha, but actually, it has its own charm. Though it’s not as lyrically pretty as Vienna, as romantic as Paris, as mystical as Iceland, it’s still beautiful.

What I really love about Madrid so far is its nonchalance.

When I arrived last Sunday, I hung around the Plaza Mayor and Puerta del Sol and saw a lot of lovers, families and friends just enjoying the day. There were a lot of very talented street performers, and I felt really bad for them. It’s freezing and they’re trying their best to get a few pennies.

“The recession has hit us rather hard,” a shopkeeper said. “Five years ago, life was still good. Now, most people are jobless. It’s really dire.”

I bumped into a Filipina at the Metro. She for some reason felt I was Filipina so we started a conversation. “You look like my niece,” she shared. “If you have a good job in the Philippines, don’t come and work in Spain. It’s really tough.”

As I look at the street performers, the growing number of beggars, and the tired faces, I couldn’t help but feel bad about this happy country. Everything still looks good but cracks are felt underneath.

The flamenco restaurant I went to only had like 23 people. And there were 8 performers, goodness knows how many waiters and cooks. How could they sustain the business with just 23 people?

But as a tourist, I have many things to rave about.

First, the Royal Palace (Palacio Real) is amazing. Tickets are 5 Euros for students, and you have to see the magnificent salons inside. The tapestries, the floor to ceiling décor, the beautiful gardens and the velvet and gold adornments to immense heights, just beautiful.

I wouldn’t say they are the same as France’s and the Brit’s. I don’t think it’s fair to compare them. They are all extraordinarily beautiful and a must see.

I also enjoyed the Catedrsl de Nuestra Senora dela Almudena which is right beside the Palacio Real. Caught the bell ringing at 6pm. I was simply mesmerized.

Next, I also loved the Reina Sofia Museum. Saw so many works of Pablo Ruiz Picasso, Salvador Dali, Juan Gris, Miro, and so many other amazing artists. Notable was the massive Guernica which can only be seen at the museum. It’s been said to be one of the most famous paintings (mural) in the world, not only because it’s painted by Picasso but also because of the anti-revolutionary meanings behind it.

Then, I am in love with the food.

So far, I’ve been gauging myself with hugs Oysters (around Euro 1.75-3 each) at the Mercado de San Miguel, drinking special alcoholic beverages, churros dipped in chocolates, calamares breads, cured hams, and etc. OMG – I think I will definitely gain a few here in Spain. But oh how I am loving the entire process!

On a personal note too, it’s the first time I’ve traveled alone, and thankfully, I have a few people worrying about me. My mom for example and a few friends in London. It’s great to know that there are some who do care about you and ensure that you’re safe and sound.

I have also started to reflect further about what has happened the last couple of months. I’ve come to slowly accept my fate and hopeful for the future.

That said, I am looking forward to going back to London too. Haha, there are a few friends I’d like to still see before I go. For some reason, I had bonded with a few close friends extraordinarily well the last few weeks.

One friend in particular, I’ve shared a lot of heart-to-heart sessions.

The first time we met, we talked for 7.5 hours from 8pm to 3:30pm.

The next time we met, we chatted for 5 hours.

The last time we met, I think we went over 12 hours or so.

Is this normal? I think the last time I had this was with Trader over two years ago. Then again, I haven’t had this much time since then.

Oh well, we shall see. Taking it slowly and enjoying the process for now.

At the very least, I do gain a very good friend in the process!

That is, if you really believe that girls and guys can actually be friends.

 http://youtu.be/T_lh5fR4DMA

We look into ourselves for answers. We ask other people. We even at times implore our exes to share what we did to have them lose attraction for us.

“Why?”

And we drive ourselves nuts as a result.

I have driven myself crazy asking this simple question, “Why?”

I knew why — I became a controlling, demanding b*tch. I pushed him away. I made him feel as if everything he did couldn’t make me happy (This is not true. I was happy), or that I didn’t need him (Another untruth – Trader was my rock). In short, I was this independent woman who didn’t have the empathy or sensitivity that her boyfriend (no ex) needed her, and I drove him away.

It’s all my fault.

My friend Eric laughs at me. “Yes, you do have fault in the demise of your relationship,” he said. “But it always takes two to tango. It’s not ALL your fault.”

“But I was the one who pushed him away,” I cried. “It’s all my fault. If I was just sweeter, less critical, less demanding, less…”

My friend Karen tells me to cut it out.

“Come on, Bonita,” she said. “Enough. He broke up with you because he wanted out. No matter what he said, or whatever reason he gave, it’s all bullshit. At the end of the day, he left because he wanted to.”

We often ask ourselves the question “Why?”

We want to think there’s a logical reason for the breakup. As if it’s a problem we need to solve.

Then again, at times, there are no real answers.

People break up because when all is said and done, they’ve made a decision. They wanted out.

My Thai friend Suppanikar says along the same lines, “It doesn’t really matter. You were always you. He always stood by you despite knowing that this was you. He stood by you because he loved you then. Then he let you go.”

He let me go.

And all the reasons why disappeared.

When all is said and done, he let you go. And despite the fact that you can change, that the relationship can get better, that it’s worth a second chance, it doesn’t really matter.

In a dance, your partner has left the partner and has let you go.

And though I cry in the evenings for my loss, people tell me that the loss is not completely mine. Yes, I am not perfect. I never was – and will be the first to admit my faults. But he gave me up. He gave up on the potential of us.

“You will find others,” my friend said. “Others who will appreciate you for who you are. Who can embrace you. Who can accept you.”

Relationships aren’t easy. There is no perfect relationship. And even I, I personally am changing myself to be a better person. To be a less controlling, more empathetic, more sensitive individual. To be a better me so to speak.

But if your partner has left the dance floor, the very best you can do to show how much you love that person is to respect their decision, and let them go as well.

My friends wonder why I can move on so fast. Why I am able to post happy photos on my Facebook and seem unfazed by the breakup.

I don’t tell them that it’s because I don’t care. It’s not as if I make a laugh out of my long term relationship. It’s not as if I didn’t love him.

I am letting go not because I don’t care. I am letting go because I care. Because I respect his decision. And because I trust that it’s for the best.

My story is still being written. I don’t know what’s in front of me yet.

“The best has yet to come,” someone told me this week.

He is right.

The best has yet to come.

But I will not talk about my breakup. Instead, I will share with you the many internal changes going with myself.

Past is past, and the best thing to do in a failed relationship is to realize your own shortcomings and learn from them so you don’t make the same mistakes ever again.

Personally, I have become more mellow. More introverted.

Yes, I still do go out and have fun. My friends are terrific in that sense. But I feel a little bit more distant to what’s going on. I get a bit pickier. If I like it, I get involved. If not, I watch from a distance.

This was different — I’ve always liked being in the center of attention. Being an observer is interesting.

I’m also more careful.

I try and try being the operative word, to listen first before talking. I try to listen more, ask more questions, find out what the other person is trying to say.

It’s interesting to stop serving the ball and just return the ball.

I’m also pickier. Maybe it’s the breakup, but it takes me a longer time to warm up to people. Ever since I broke up, I feel that guys are swarming to offer their comfort, which I appreciate. But I won’t be this easy woman who is in the hunt for her next rebound.

I used to tell my girlfriends, “Kiss someone else after you breakup, and it will be easy for you to get over him.”

Funny — I am not practicing what I preach.

Not that I don’t have the option. I just don’t want to. I would rather wait for now, thank you very much.

My priorities are changing as well.

*Laughs*

It’s amazing. The whole 2.5 years I was together with Trader, he kept on selling me the ideas of family and children and domesticity, and I’ve never listened. Now that we’ve broken up, I’ve realized that I want those too.

I want to get married.

I want two children.

I actually like cooking. Just yesterday, I cooked some delicious chicken fillet with salad and brown rice. Ha! Let’s see how many women can actually cook (Though not you Jidi, I know you’re an amazing cook!).

I am also stronger and less complacent.

I was happy to let Trader run the show before, satisfied with the thought that if we did get married, my primary role was to support him and my career was secondary. Well, we knew how that relationship ended up, but I think I would want to work for myself now, thank you very much.

Which is why I’m starting the pet project I’ve talked about earlier.

I’m less scared now.

Thanks to my mom and brother.

A bit more confident. And hopefully, tough yet soft at the same time.

I feel the changes.

Though it came at a high cost, thank you Lord for making the breakup happen because I am changing for the better, and I am becoming the daughter you want me to be.

Have a great weekend!

It’s this project that makes me smile and drives me.

It will come to play in 2012, and I can’t wait to unveil it in the next few months.

However, despite the excitement, the project brings a lot of concern and trepidation.

Why?

Because though I am doing this with the moral support of the family, I am driving this project alone.

And though I want to act tough in front of others, I have to admit — the prospect of doing this alone scares me. The entirety of the project relies on my efforts and if I ever let go or give up, this project would fail.

I don’t want it to fail.

I need this to be successful.

For my sake.

I need this project to be successful to justify my upcoming homecoming.

To rationalize my life changes.

To make my transition smoother.

I am doing this for me, and for goodness, I will not fail.

But it’s not easy. Doing things alone is tough. So I need to be strong.

But I cannot… not truly.

As a person, I need someone to remind me that I can do it.

As a woman, I need someone to console me that they will love me and think no less of me even if this business fails.

As a classmate, I need expert advise on how to go about this.

As a partner, I need someone I can trust.

As a daughter, I need my parents to tell me that they will back me up no matter what.

As a sister, I need my brother to prop me up when I start having doubts.

Yes, I need people.

And I need to be strong.

Starting right now.

It hasn’t been an easy journey but oh, how invigorating the process was.

Over the last four weeks, I’ve done a lot of self-reflection, making changes where I saw fit.

And there were many.

My life path for 2012 for example has radically changed from what it was before I arrived in the UK.

The funny thing was, as soon as I was single, the wolves came pounding in.

Some of them have no mercy.

For example, two, three days after my breakup, I was invited to go to the school pub, the Windsor, for some birthday celebratory drinks. Was it ever a surprise that some of my male classmates offered me tons of drinks and shots in the hopes of getting me intoxicated enough to go with them?

Have they no shame — I just broke up!

Vulnerable!

Oh wait, maybe that was their plan….

Afterwards, a friend heavily hinted that he was interested, slowly raising his hand as a potential person to date.

“He’s nice ma,” my other friends defended him. “Why not him?”

“Errr…. it’s just been two and a half weeks after I broke up,” I consoled him. “Trust me, he doesn’t want to be a rebound.” Then smiled.

Random guys have also been Facebooking me.

Saying they liked my photo and wanted to get to know me better.

I never had that when I was still in a relationship.

Weird, just weird. I think I need to work on my privacy settings…

And lastly, another friend seemed to be another potential.

I knew him from before as we’ve been friends from Hong Kong. He moved back to the UK to start his own business, and given that we’re in the same city, we met up once again.

He was really nice.

We talked for 7.5 hours last weekend.

From 8pm… to almost 4am.

And it was real nice.

“He likes you,” my Chinese friend said after I told her about my evening the next day.

“How do you know?”I asked.

“No guy will talk to you for almost eight hours unless they’re interested,” she replied.

“Dude, guys talk to me for a long time. Eight hours is nothing,” I said back.

Then again, when Trader and I first met, we talked for the whole day.

When Mark and I first dated, we hung out the whole day.

May it possibly be a recurring theme for guys I date?

Or maybe I am just interesting enough to talk to for 8 hours a time?

Bah – this is what I hate from the singles scene.

All the uncertainties.

Of not knowing whether a guy likes you because you are available, or likes you for you.

On whether or not his touch or hug meant something, or is he just being fresh.

Of waiting to see who’ll call or message first, and trying to analyze what he meant by what he said.

Then again, maybe such is life. I should be at least thankful there has been some interest, and some seem quite promising than others. A girl could only hope.

Let’s wait and see.

What will happen.

The next chapter of my life.

Mr 7.5 hours messaged me today.

He is wondering if I am free for coffee.

I like coffee.

No seriously, I do.

Welcome to the dating scene, Bonita.

Welcome back…

Now, cest la vie!

Almost four weeks after the breakup, and the shock has began to wear off. I have already come to terms that we have equivocally said our final goodbyes, and we are OVER.

It doesn’t make it any easier, and at times, I feel much sadness. And why won’t I? It’s been a terrific 2.5 years, and I feel a bit of a pity knowing that if nobody pulled the plug, we would have made it well till the end.

I’m a firm believer in relationships, and of not giving up. Commitment is extremely important. However, if one person is no longer dancing with you, you should also step off the dance floor and find somebody else who would.

Then again, even though I’ve lost the relationship, I would NOT lose the lesson.

I admit it: I have not been such a good person. Blame it on Hong Kong or my MBA, but I’ve gained an inflated view of my own self worth. I felt that I was tough and strong and that I was usually right. I was opinionated, but fair. Tough yet loving. However, not everyone can take that. Moderation is the key and many times, I just pushed too much. 

In other words, I didn’t like the person I had become.

The break up was terrible for me that I’ve lost somebody that I truly deeply loved. However, it had to take such high of a price to shake me off my la-la land.

I had to change.

I wanted to be a better person.

My friend Eric summarizes it completely when he said, “Kaka (another girlfriend) thinks that in her breakup, she is never at fault. In your breakup, you think it’s all your fault.”

Well, that’s just me. If I am right, I will fight till I die. But if I am wrong, I will admit it till I run out of breath. And I think that though no relationship is perfect, half the fault for the breakup was mine, and I would like to take responsibility for it. I have already shed tears for it and feel a lot of regret, but yes, the fault was also mine.

Regardless, it’s not too healthy to beat yourself up for these things. Past is past. You live, you learn. And I have already said my apologies. Once, given that it is sincere, is enough.

So what am I busy now?

Well, I am doing a lot more self-reflection and changing myself to be a better me. I am excited about this. I think I can be better. And I look forward to the time when such hardship is over and I emerge born again, a better person.

I would like to be more patient, more tolerant, more loving, a bit sweeter, more considerate, less hateful, less hot tempered, more loving, more reasonable, more level headed, more loving. In other words, I want to be a more balanced person. A more loving partner.

Two, I have re-defined my priorities in life. Losing Trader made me realize that career is not something I really want. Instead, I want someone to love. A family. Children.

Yes my friends, it seems that my breakup has changed me to an about face. My friends wonder if this change is permanent but if whether I am going cuckoo. But I kid you not: from weeks forward after my self-reflection, I am making FAMILY a priority. Not just my future family, but my present family as well.

My mom has been nothing but supportive after the breakup. Her emails has made me cry and laugh and gave me much comfort on the dark days. My little brother had been so cheerful about my loss that I couldn’t help but also be hopeful with what’s in front of me. My dad is as usual, stoic. But I know that he was okay with Trader and he probably (and rightfully so) blamed me a bit for the loss.

But I love my family dearly. I love my friends. And yes, I will place life and family on top priority going forward.

Because of this, I am making major life changing decisions.

And guess what? I am super excited for it.

After talking to so many advisers, I have decided to prepare for a homecoming. After I finish my MBA in a few weeks, I now know where my purpose lies. My purpose is to be close to the family that loves me, my friends who had been there for me since I was young, and for me to stop running away from my responsibilities. I will not declare it now until I book my plane tickets, but trust me when I say this, I am so looking forward to the next few quarters.

Lastly, I am working on several projects that put big smiles to my face.

In fact, I’ve just received a positive email today that made me smile from ear to ear. It’s not a Php 100 million deal, but for me, it’s enough. I have a highly visible project that would keep me busy for 2012, and I can’t wait to start and make it happen.

It’s going to be good — oh, pray that it pushes through — but if it does, my gosh. It’s like what I want to do. It’s not that difficult I think but it will take a bit of guts, money and a lot of luck. But my golly, if it works… everything should be set. It would indeed be a great homecoming.

So there it is, the breakup was a wakeup call. Thanks Trader for doing this for me. I didn’t really appreciate you as much as I did, and if I have to do it all over again, I promise that the relationship would be tons tons better. Regardless, the lesson I learn is for my next relationship. The future boyfriend is appreciative.

Anyway, there are many changes coming up — and I am excited.

There is already a change in myself, to be a better person, a better woman, a better daughter, a better future partner to my husband, and a better mother to my children.

There’s also a change in my life direction. The news will surprise most who knows me, but if you know why I’m doing it, then am sure you would agree and offer your support.

And lastly, there’s a change on what I need to do. The project I’m talking about will come to fruitation in the next few months and I cannot wait to unveil it if things go to plan.

I am hopeful for the future. My ex-sister in law said, “God has many plans for God’s best!” and I believe it. I believe that bad things happen make way for better things in life. I feel and know there are good things up ahead. And I pray that you would continue to support and encourage me throughout the hard yet exciting times in 2012!

Have a great weekend!

Make your work more meaningful
by Penelope Trunk
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2011/11/15/make-your-work-more-meaningful/

This post is sponsored by the American Cancer Society.

Take a look at Steve Martin’s business card. I love it because it brings to light the lack of meaning we often feel during the daily routine of work life.

When I was new to the workforce, I saw two ends of a spectrum. On one end, risking one’s life to save dying children, and on the other end, hedge-fund banking to make millions.

If you see the work world that way, then you feel compelled to choose between making good money or doing good deeds. But at this point, I don’t think the world breaks down like that. I think all jobs are meaningful.

1. Meaningfulness comes from relationships.
My introduction to this way of thinking was Sonja Lyubomirsky’s research about happiness and work (compiled into a book I like: The How of Happiness.) She found that janitors are happier than lawyers and the discrepancy arises from the amount of meaningfulness they perceived in their work.

The janitors felt that they were helping people by keeping the school running well. They knew the students and the teachers and they had a nice relationship with them: people asked for help, the janitor gave help, the person thanked the janitor.

With the lawyers, it’s the opposite. People hate having to ask a lawyer for help. They want the lawyer to solve their problems, but in general, you only call a lawyer when you have a problem you will not be able to get out of without one. So the lawyer can’t really make people feel good. On top of that, a lawyer charges by the hour so there is almost never a thank you in exchange for a small piece of work. (More rationale for ditching your dreams of law school.)

2. Meaningfulness comes from feeling some control.
Having control over one’s job and an ability to make a difference — through meeting goals, saving lives, solving problems — is what enables people to enjoy their work, according to research published in The Economist. The prestige of the given job is not nearly as important as being able to have an effect. If jobs are not challenging enough, then people are not happy because they don’t have a feeling of affecting someone else. People like being part of a group, they like being able to contribute.

Relative to the rest of life, work is predictable. Kids are totally unpredictable, health is unpredictable, friends and family are wild cards, but there are rules for work that people follow. Those generally accepted rules are what makes work a safe place to be.

3. Management creates meaning
The relationship between a boss and an employee should be very meaningful. Good management is actually about being nice. A manager’s job is to make people shine, to show them they can do more than they ever imagined and to make employees excited to come to work. Management’s job is to create meaningful work.

In the same vein, an employee’s job is to make their boss’s life better. Whatever you were hired for, whatever that job description said, the bottom line is that you are there to solve your boss’s problems. You will feel good at work if you are making your boss happy–it’s a symbiotic relationship.

4. Creating meaning yourself is empowering.
To be clear, a job does not give your life meaning. How you treat people and how you relate to communities and society is where you get your meaning. Work is just a great platform to create that meaning. You can choose whether or not you make your work meaningful. You can wait for someone else to magically anoint your job with meaning. But you will be waiting a long time. Instead, make work meaningful yourself. It’s an act of freedom, taking your life into your own hands.  

5. Look for opportunities.
My step-mom had cancer for more than a decade. She had a breast removed, she went into remission, then back to the hospital, then remission. At first I thought her life was becoming crazy and how could she cope? But then I saw that the best thing for her was that she kept going to work. The stability in her life was her job. She couldn’t control the cancer, or the treatments, or her energy, but she could control her workload and she could meet her goals when she was there.

When she couldn’t be at the office, her co-workers took over her workload so her job would be there for her when she returned. Every time.

When an office comes together to support someone in crisis the whole office is infused with meaning. The strength they gave my step-mom by enabling her to come to work, in turn gave strength to the family members trying to help take care of her.

Work has meaning because it provides stability in our lives, and we create meaning by helping co-workers to use that stability to be brave and strong in the rest of life.

Look around you, all the time–look for people at work who need help with their work.  Caring for your co-workers might be the most meaningful part of work for all of us.

Let’s see, on Monday, I met a new friend and we ate at Pizza Hut. I met even more new friends when I went to a Moroccan gathering. Ate tons of lamb tangines.

Then, on Tuesday, watched the Arsenal match and even though the score was 0-0, it was still fun. There were around eight of us who went, wohoo!

On Wednesday, I watched and cried during a very lovely show of Les Miserables. Met a cute guy named – wait for it – Michael. People who know me know that all the guys except Trader, their names started with an “M.”

Thursday, Boyce Avenue! The cute brothers — Alejandro, Daniel and Fabian performed at the Shepherd’s Bush O2!

And lastly, climbed around eight rock climbing walls at the Westway Sports Center.

<img class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-2095" title=" on June 16, 2011 in London, England.” src=”http://namelessintaipei.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/rock.jpg” alt=”" width=”448″ height=”299″ />

So yes, I have been meeting friends, going out to new places, and doing exciting things. Of course, I still felt like crap and cried today, but then again, nobody can ever fault me for trying my best to get over him.

At the very least, despite the crappiness of my love life, it was still a very wonderful week.

Hope everyone’s having a great one as well! Please pray once again for a speedy recovery!

Bonita: “Logic: He doesn’t love me enough to marry me anymore?”

Mom: “Wrong. He is not ready to take responsibilities. He chickened out.”

Bonita: “You are right. Is that common with men?”

Mom: “At least you finally agreed with something I said about your stupid Trader.”

Bonita: “I’ve always agreed with you mom. Never disagreed anyway. I knew what Trader’s weaknesses are – we were together for 2.5 years. However, I chose to accept his weaknesses because he is a good man and treats me right. I settled because I want a good guy to marry to and raise children with. Trader would have been a wonderful father, and a decent husband.

I didn’t think that ours would’ve been a meeting of minds. I think that’s difficult to achieve with any guy. I don’t really know who will be equal to me – who would be excited about life, want to make the most out of life, be somebody and help the community. I don’t know if I can find that equal for me, and with Trader gone, the more I am afraid that I would be alone. If patient Trader cannot love me, then who else could?

Then again, I need to have hope. Everyone is telling me that I deserve better. Everyone thinks the world of me. But where is that someone else better?

The fact that he isn’t beside me at the moment doesn’t make the miserable and sad feeling go away. What’s worse, my age for the Philippines (though not in HK or Taiwan) is considered to be old. Even Trader reminds me of my age all the time, as if to rub salt to the wound.

Should I be worried?

I think I am doing well, and am sure my life would be terrific. Dad and you raised me to be a capable independent woman with a good heart and values, and I know I will be okay. But I don’t want to be alone like my sister. Miserable and bitter. I do in the end want a family. I think that would be really nice. This is why I am sad.”

Yes, despite my being tough and strong, I fear of being alone. It’s not the natural me. I want to love and be loved. To raise wonderful children.

But given how far I’ve become from the norm, could I really find that special guy who can accept me for who I am?

*Starts crying*

But now you should be steadfast. Hold your head up with confidence. You should be ready to face Trader if you ever see him again. Don’t ever let him hurt you again. Your future is bright and you are how we brought you up.

A friend: “I think he made a worse choice than day trading by ending it with you…”

Another friend: “Yeah, I think you’ll attract the good ones. Don’t worry…”

Thank you God for giving me the comfort I need when I need it the most. Love love!

Still, I think about this quote: “Love is like a bird. Squeeze them too tight and they die. If you love them, let them go. And if they come back, they’re really yours in the first place.”

It’s clear to say that the ball is NOT in my court.

If I email or contact him, he might think I am needy and desperate who wants to get back to him again.

If I just want to say hello, he might think that I’m not giving him any space.

If I show I care, he might think I can’t get over him.

Post a breakup, love seems more like a game on who can get over the other faster. I hate it, but it’s the game we have all played in our lives.

So what I have been doing is this: I have been living my life to the fullest (scraping and trying to get out of the house on a daily basis), surrounding myself with wonderful friends (so I don’t have bad thoughts in my head), rethinking my life and what to do for the future and just staying tough.

And when I say tough, that means I’m trying to be more accepting of my circumstance. It doesn’t mean that I don’t cry or get hurt. In fact, I cry in an almost every other day basis. The emotion just rises up to me and I can’t help but sob uncontrollably, usually in the morning when I wake up. I’ve done this three times now.

It doesn’t mean I get hurt. Everytime I think of my failed relationship, I ask myself, “Was it be? Could’ve I done better? I regret.”

I talk to myself when I go out, when traveling home, when I am alone. I am careful not to demean myself too much because it’s not healthy for me. When I think dangerous thoughts, I try to push them away and tell myself, “This WILL get better.”

So tough for me is not that I don’t need anyone, that I can be alone, that I like where I am at the moment.

Tough is staying strong even if the world is crumbling into bits. To be hurt, but stay in control. To love even when you don’t receive it back. To give others comfort even at times, it’s you who need it the most.

I’m trying to stay tough at the moment. Even if it means no more nasty hair changes like I did yesterday. Going forward, no more permanent changes I’d regret. Aaargh, I miss my long straight beautiful hair.

Anyway, it’s tough.

People said that it’s just about time. Time heals all wounds. But how come time takes so long to come? Why does it allow me to suffer? Can they not have some pity?

Yes, I am tough. But it’s tough to rid yourself of someone who is an integral part of you. It’s like taking off a bandaid fast. It hurts, and it hurts a lot.

Again, please please pray for me that this gets better.

I know I can do it, but it does make it easier that you guys are very supportive regardless on what happens. I love you!

Last week, he said that a lot of guys were turned off by me because they found me to be aggressive, demanding, tough. He said I needed to change and improve and he’s just telling me this because he is a friend.

So what do I change then?

“You can start with your hairstyle,” he suggested. “Maybe curl it.”

I thought he was really stupid but after I thought about it more, I wondered, what I would look like with a nice wavy haircut? Stars usually have nice shiny wavy hair. Think Kate Middleton or Jessica Simpson right?

After I saw Britney Spears, there were a few dancers with nice wavy hair. I’ve decided to just f*ck it and perm my hair.

There’s a salon next to my house operated by some Turkish men. They told me that I should do a “Spinal perm” because it’s big wavy curls and is sexy. After some haggling, I agreed – and so my GBP 130 hairstyle is coming up.

And this is the result of my adventure…

I look like a Santo Nino….!

(*#@&*$&#*&!@*!@

Okay, so i look horrible. And poorer by GBP 130.

But then again, it’s so hilarious I can’t help but smile so wildly. It’s really funny!

Fortunately, it is a big wake up call.

I’ve been so full of myself the last couple of months, forcing myself to be stronger than I really am, more competent than I should be. Maybe it’s because the MBA has placed me in a position where I became the finance expert in a batch of career changers. Maybe it’s just being stubborn.

Bottomline is, it’s not the natural me and I need to change my weaknesses. I won’t be high up in my pedestal to say I’m innocent of all charges given to me. However, I’d like to think I’m misunderstood and I can change if I think it’s right.

“But you are who you are?!” my friend who was dressed as a cute sumo at yesterday’s party told me yesterday. “Shouldn’t people just love and accept you for who you are?!”

Agreed – I think it’s important to have self-love and self-esteem.

However, I also equally believe that people are human. We fail too and we need to be better and improve if we are mistaken. Personally, I can be a bit too demanding with the people around me. I give them 100% and expect them to do the same. From a career perspective, that’s good, but some people can’t take it and I must make compromises before it’s too late.

Regardless, the main point is, I think there is much to improve within myself and I’m taking concrete steps to do so. Please note that I am not doing this to take Trader back as I’ve already fully accepted that we are over, but I am doing this to myself.

Because I want to be better.

More human.

To be the best person I can be.

And it’s only then that we can find people who can truly love us for the real us. the best part in us.

In other words, my next boyfriend would be one lucky bastard.

Anyway, the life changing decision I’m taking about will blow people’s minds. Haha, I love surprising people but let me give you a hint. Everything you know about me to this day points that I am heading towards one direction.

I will be changing this decision within a quarter. Maybe within February.

And even though my risk averse mom is so scared for my well-being as she wants me to stay within the status quo, in my heart, I know that what I’m doing is right.

It’s almost time.

No more dilly dallying about it.

And even though my mom, Trader and everyone else may not be supportive because they think it’s crazy, I think this is becoming the right life decision for me.

I love you all. Thank you for all your support the last couple of years. You cannot imagine just how grateful I am for all your comments, love and encouragement.

The most amazing thing is, it’s going to get better.

I love you!

On Day 0, I was totally unaware that the breakup would happen. As you know, Trader and I had a pretty stable long-distance relationship. Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs, which couple haven’t, but the main point is that through all the changes ongoing with our lives, we have always worked it out.

Unfortunately, this thing happen and I will not share with you guys in depth what happened. In a way, it doesn’t really matter anyway since we are over. However, I was truly caught unaware and we shed our tearful goodbyes (more his tears than mine) before logging off from Skype almost from the last time.

Trader had been my rock and my strength throughout these years. He has in a way, been my best friend. He knows everything that’s been happening and I loved him for that.

So on Day 0, we broke up at 2am my time, which was awful since I spent till 5:30 am trying to understand what happened and getting solace from my online friends. Thank goodness for the time lag. At least, people from Hong Kong, South Africa, China, and Taiwan offered their best wishes and comfort.

When I woke up on Day 0, I was just numb. I couldn’t believe that I was broken up. I didn’t have any energy to do anything but stay in bed.

However, I had a whole day class to go to. And you know me, I don’t like missing class even though I had valid reasons to do so. So I put on my makeup, my hat and went to class. The whole six hours of it. And I was okay.

By the end of class, I was again a complete mess. I called up my 911 and met up with two friends, who had the unluckiness of being with me at my worst. I cried, hugged, and just moaned. I complained, forgave and just cried and cried and cried. I had uncontrollable tears. I just felt the need to cry.

My guy friend though he wasn’t enjoying the experience was having a ball. It’s not every day that a friend would hug him this tightly. My girl friend was helpful. In the end, it was important that I had two people listening to me moan and groan. I wasn’t alone thinking suicidal thoughts, and I had company. At least, I don’t hurt myself.

I also had people to talk to. People I trust and can bounce ideas with as I wallow in self-pity. For example:

- Is it my fault (not really – sometimes this just happens)?
- Does he love me (yes he did, but that’s the past. You’re broken up now so who cares)?
- Is there another third party (probably not)?
- Was I a bitch (maybe, but you’ve been consistently a bitch for the last 2.5 years. It wasn’t something that would’ve broke the straw off the camel’s back)?
- Can I still get him back (why – he doesn’t deserve you if he doesn’t want you)?
- How do I recover (get distracted, stay busy, and just think about you)?
- Can I still get him back (no, so just concentrate on how not to make mistakes on the next one)?
- I think I’m a loser (no you’re not – you’re beautiful, smart with a great personality. Any guy would want you)?
- I’m probably going to be single forever (eeeh, be single for now but you’ll be fine)!
- Can I still find love? Can I still trust men (yes, just leave it to fate. He’ll come when you least expect it!)

This went on the whole afternoon and evening till I was exhausted. Since I didn’t get enough sleep, I spent the night at my girl friend’s house.

On Day 1, I awake dialed Trader. Yes, my now-ex. My gosh, it was so embarrassing but when I woke up, I needed him. I wanted him to be with me. This need was so unexplainable and it was just something I knew I had to do even though I knew it wasn’t very healthy for me.

I was spent, didn’t have energy to work. For a workaholic, this was awful especially since I was going through recruitment. I couldn’t go through interviews or applications with puffy eyes and an unbalanced mindset. I was going crazy and I needed some stability.

Yes, I knew that No Contact was the best way to go and forget and move on with your lives. But on Day 1, I wasn’t strong. I couldn’t help it. So I called Trader.
He did answer, my good man. Of course he did. He didn’t want to look like a jerk. But if you’re asking if we’re going to get back together? We’re not. It’s over. But we decided to keep the lines of communication open at least for my sake.

Then after I finished feeling awful, I called my brother and mom, who gave me the right amount of comfort I needed. I felt a lot better and walked around the day feeling numb, sad, and miserable. From a physical standpoint, I wanted to puke. But otherwise, I was okay. Even more so when I talked to my landlady when she got back.

Talking really helps on a breakup.

Day 2 was about being busy – I had to prepare for an interview, go to class and attend a company talk at Canary Wharf. I still had my doubts, I was still a bit sad but the recovery is going very well. I did not cry anymore.

Day 3 was about letting go. I had lunch with a friend who gave me even more comfort and answered questions that were in my head. Then I went to the Windsor and got totally smashed.

I drank around 1,100 ML of beer and two shots of Jaeger in three hours.
For a non-alcoholic like me, this was a lot. Back in Asia, I would only drink around 2 cocktails the whole night and get a bit tipsy. This was a little bit too much but I didn’t really care. I was single and broken up and I don’t want to be limited because of a breakup.

However, I was still me, and me was still sane.

Sure, I could’ve stayed and drunk even more beer.

Sure, I could’ve had my fun, got totally plastered, and went home with a guy. I found it funny that there were already willing candidates, my groupmate of all people. He is Mexican and has no shame of taking me home it seems.

But it’s not me. I don’t want to do this. Not even after a breakup.

So I left at 11:30 pm without so much a goodbye. If I said goodbye, I never could’ve left. They would’ve encouraged me to stay, drink even more and who knows what could’ve happened?

Managed to get home by bus, walked back, drank tons of water, and went to bed.
In the morning today of Day 4, I get an SMS from the Mexican guy, “Did you go home?”

Yes, I did go home. I think am not really home yet, but I will be soon.

Yes, I am vulnerable, sad and miserable. I was shocked and at a deep end. But friends help. Alcohol did help a bit. But friends help. And I have to be strong too to make this through as quickly as possible.

And this is the anatomy of my breakup.

Please let me know how to get over a broken heart. I think him I can get over, but it’s just that after the breakup, you’re single again and it’s definitely a big change in one’s life especially when you think that the guy was ready to marry you after 2.5 years.

I am asking my parents to find me someone new. I will try to be busy. I will keep my mind into work.

But it will not be easy.

Please pray for my sanity in the next couple of days. Please. And thank you.

Greece can’t seem to pay off its debts because nobody there pays off their taxes (hence, the big deficit) and the Eurozone is in a sh*thole. The United States meanwhile is experiencing a slowdown because people are slowly realizing that they have to pay off their humongous debt.

It’s insane just how much Americans seem to be under the water. In Asia, we’re usually debt free unless we want to buy a house, which is btw supported by our income. However, the US seem to just take debt as if these never needed to get paid! How could you be merely 18 and be deepin your neck with debt?

Anyway, so the job market is really poor.

At the London Business School Corporate Partner evening two weeks ago, most of the banks were NOT hiring. It’s kinda pathetic. Really big giants of yesterday are telling us that there are no headcount for the year, unless the economy clears out and improves.

But then again, when would that be?

There seems to be no white knight in place to save everyone, and to be honest, I think it’s about time that people start becoming accountable for their previous erroneous decisions. Sure, life will be tougher for everyone, but then again, shouldn’t you pay if you make the wrong decision?

Be responsible lah.

So in the midst of my MBA graduating batch who is being unleashed in a world of limited jobs, all I can say is FCUK.

Then again, good times always come and go. Hopefully, with an MBA, we can be better prepared to weather the storm. Like we said, make lemonades out of lemons. And when the door shuts, a window opens.

I myself am a bit reflective these days, but as they say, cautiously optimistic.

There are still people who are hiring, take note. I am still being called by headhunters. It’s just that there’s not a lot more to go around as before.

But re-calibrate. Re-adjust. Make the most out of it.

There’s no point of starving because you don’t want to settlle. Often times, we are only as good as our options. So take the world as it is and if you are really worth it, doors will open to you when you least expect it.

His sister is pretty cute/hot/beautiful. She’s not that tall, but has this lovely almond shaped head and eyes. She looks like a more innocent version of Zhang Ziyi with bigger eyes and a better personality.

Consequently, at a young age of 26, she is getting married.

She and her husband started dating almost the same time Trader and I started. I think we were slightly earlier but not by much.

And while her husband took her off the market immediately, Trader is waiting to have all his ducks (financially) in a row before popping the question. He doesn’t really understand just how people can be married without not being financially stable.

“Hon, people get married for other reasons than being financially stable,” I countered. “Money will never actually be enough. And what better test for a marriage than a couple to make their money and raise a family together?”

Ah family. For Trader, a valid reason for marriage is to start a family. He wants children and has always been trumpeting the fact. As for me, I hate those crying spoiled brats. They’re irritating and always cry unreasonably to get their own way. Aaaargh, who has been stuck with a crying toddler in a long-haul airplane?!

But Trader believes I can be a good “mom.” Scary true, strict even more so, but good. I joked that our children, IF EVER, would know his DCFs, CAPMs and APVs by the time he is in highschool. Why not anyway? They are not super hard concepts…

However, I hate being pressured.

Here, Trader is taking his sweet time to propose and raising as much money as he can for a family (It’s been 2.5 years since we last started dating), and yet he would want me to rush the babies because of my “biological clock.”

He wants three children so if we reverse calculate it, I need to have my first baby stat. As in now.

But nooo, he wants to take his time. So if he wants me to rush the recreation process, well…

H to the Hell NO!

Anyway, it makes me mad just thinking about it. I would not be patient waiting for him to propose, only to be rushed because he wants kids immediately. Aaargh.

If we take 2.5 to three years to get married, then hell, we will start getting pregnant 2.5 to three years after our wedding. And if he’s trying to change it, well then tough.

Tough luck indeed.

Okay, so I started on a sweet note and now am mad. Sigh, I need to really have my temper in check, but don’t you think it’s a wee bit unfair?!

My solution: If you take x years to get married, then I will take my sweet time like x years to get pregnant.

Ta-daaa! Fair and good solution!

The latest culprit is DragonVale, which is downloadable for FREE in iTunes. I am currently using it via my iPad, and of course, the graphics are terrific!

***Apologies but WordPress can’t seem to attach my photos as well***

The concept is really simple: you are owner of this dragon amusement park and you can buy/sell/breed dragons and make money off park revenues. However, you also need to feed them so they can grow larger and earn you more park revenues!

The graphics are really cute, and it’s honestly very addicting.

I already have My Horse and all these other simulation games, but so far, DragonVale has really caught my attention. What’s better, it’s absolutely free! Here is a more objective review online.

Anyway, London is continuing to be terrific.

Yesterday, I went to the Portobello Street Market at Notting Hill. Yes, that place where the movie Notting Hill, starring Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant was inspired from. And yes, it IS a TRAVEL bookshop. Cute huh?

The Portobello Street Market is actually a long strip of stalls selling tons and tons of antiques. Some are really expensive (I think we saw a nightingale machine costing GBP 8,000!) while others are cheap (e.g., spoons and cutlery costing GBP2 each).

I finally bought a really nice purple mink coat for only GBP50. Original price was GBP 65 but there was a bit of damage that I didn’t really mind. Sure to keep me warm on winter.

Afterwards, we had a really really nice Oriental dinner at Banana Leaf in Queensway. Ordered the Chili Beef with Banana Platter and it was so tasty! Yummmy!

Okay, gotta go and see if the London Dungeon is open. Ciao!

Chinatown or Soho is a mere 5 minute walk from Picadilly Circus. From what Karen told me, it’s around 2 long streets that’s filled with delicious Asian fare. We shouted for glee when we spotted a Vietnamese restaurant. Ooooh, those spring rolls look delish!

Chinatown is right smack between two tube stations: Leichester and Picadilly Circus.

I was so glad to go to PC first because so many things to be seen. Right outside the tube, there’s a beautiful water fountain as above, and so many stalls selling discounted theatre tickets. Why, I even bought my own ticket to Jersey Boys this Tuesday for GBP 43 (instead of the usual GBP60+). Not bad lo…

It’s also crowded with people, which reminds me of sweet ol’ Hong Kong. I loved the fact that PC looked so much like New York’s Time Square!

Anyway, the trip was excited. Not only was it with good friends from HKUST, but we were happy to spot a large Asian grocery where we bought a — wait for it — large bottle of dark soy sauce!

For some reason, Tesco only sells teeny tiny bottles of soy sauce. That’s because the Brits don’t use soy sauce for cooking, but rather for garnishing. My landlady for example used it to garnish her chicken.

The horror: you should use Maggi Seasoning instead!!!

I was also happy to see rice also being sold but opted out because heck, I do NOT have a rice cooker. How can I cook rice without it? Any suggestions?

However, I did buy some instant noodles for emergencies (smart eh?), some bak choy (greens) and of course, Mang Thomas Lechon Sauce which is terrific for anything chicken.

Afterwards, we went and dined on Sichuan food which only cost us GBP 9 per pax — way beter than our pricier GBP 35 meal at Gordon Ramsey’s Maze.

Lastly, we stopped on M&M World in London which is three-storeys of delicious chocolate-y goodness! They even have a wall which you can pick different colored/flavored M&Ms of your choice. The color selections are mind-boggling — my fave were the deep shades of blue and purple! Eric liked the gray one. “I’ve never seen silver M&Ms” he said.

Good trip: this is what life is about, and for a moment, I forgot my troubles.

A big shoutout to my mom, whose birthday is today. I love you mommy!

She is a senior resident at a hospital.

The guy is a junior resident with a complicated past. And baggage.

She had just broke up with a man early this year a week before their four year anniversary. The ex met someone new at the same hospital he worked in and posted that he was in a relationship with the other woman three months after he and my best friend broke up.

Ouch.

She cried and moaned. Grieved. But the junior resident caught her attention. He was funny and charming and had some baggage.

After crushing on him for a month, she found out he liked her too. And they kinda got together.

But now she tells me it’s like, over.

I asked why, and if it was her issue or his?

“It’s his issue,” she replied.

Aiya – that’s what happens guys! When men jump into a relationship without thinking about the consequences too much.

My best friend is kinda insecure and uptight. She is always very serious in a relationship. And yet, men would sometimes just jump headlong to a relationship with her not thinking about the future or if he’s really serious.

They just want ot be in the moment.

And of course, the woman thinks it’s serious — even though it’s not.

So a lot of heartbreaks going on. I’d bet it’s kinda awkward at the hospital nowadays.

I feel sorry for my friend. Not guilty for encouraging her. She’s in her late 20s, so she has to experience these things. Loving, then getting hurt.

“Feel free to jump… but with eyes wide open,” I both encouraged and warned her months ago. Personally, I don’t think people should hold back and regret love decisoins. They should just do it and see how it goes.

But my friend is inexperienced, so is hurt. Ah well, she has to grow up a little. This is good for her.

Then again, choose men that are responsible and serious.

But who can tell anyway?

Chock this one up to experience lo! Okay, gotta have lunch. Back from Paris. Take care lo!

Not to be a whiner (even though I am), but London is definitely:

• Chillier, and rainy-er than Hong Kong – it rained lightly at my arrival
• Less convenient transportation-wise: everything is walkable, but takes around 4x the time from Hong Kong! To the MTR, my house is 10 minutes away. From the tube to the LBS campus, it takes another 15-20 minutes — far for Hong Kong standards!
• More expensive: Gone are the days you can enjoy cheap sushi.
• Less food options: Only teeny-tiny bags of rice and bottles of soy sauce available in grocery. How can I cook?!
• Less convenient food-wise: It’s too expensive that you really have to cook your own breakfast and lunch. Say goodbye to days where you can just go downstairs and eat from hawker stalls

In short, it’s a time of taghirap (hardship). Boo hoo hoo!

Just for today for example, I had successfully cooked my own cinnamon and raisin bagel which I bought from the grocery yesterday, and topped generously with strawberry jam. Then, made my own coffee – not with a coffee machine but with a simpler glass set.

Then I took the tube to two stops to Regent’s Park — where I was informed that LBS is closer to Baker Street station than Regent’s Park.

So one more stop back allowed me to go to Baker Street.

I got the wrong directions, and then ended up at the wrong school — Regent’s College to be exact which is right in the middle of Regent’s Park. LBS is outside the Park, and is by Park Road.

So because of this boo-boo, I walked a big circle till I gott off the Park, and then back to the tube where I originally came from and tried to find Park Road… again.

That was another 20 minutes. Grumble grumble.

Then I finally arrived at LBS — ooooh joy!

So I got my ID card, and then proceeded to find the nearest HSBC branch, which btw, is right by the Baker Street tube!!!

So off I walk back again, 15 minutes this time because I know the way.

They asked me to go to another HSBC branch which does these things, so walk 5 more minutes.

Then the HSBC branch asked me to go back to LBS because I didn’t have one documentation they needed!

So, walk walk walk walk walk back again to LBS!!! Mind you, this is beyond the tube, and by Park Road. Back where I came from.

LBS staff was kind enough to let me know we can request for the documentation online (!) but it takes 2 working days. Damn.

Then, I wanted to walk back to St. John’s Wood, where I’m currently residing. My landlord told me it was a 20 minute walk. Easy, right?

Grumble grumble – it wasn’t 20 minutes. I took the wrong turn, had to walk back 600 yards… so it was 30 minutes plus plus.

Grumble grumble.

Dropped by Tesco for some minor groceries. Got lost again before finding my way back home.

Only 2pm and I’ve already done so much walking.

So in short, I think I’ll grow fat in London with all the potatoes, but hopefully, all my blissful (NOT!) walking could reverse it.

Aaargh, going nuts. Thinking of going out again but don’t have the money to spend. Maybe I can recuperate back home with some tea and just relax. Enough adventures for the day!

At least it’s free.

However, this all signals the end of my Hong Kong run for now.

After 1.5 years of working, 1 year of studying, 3 months of glorious internship, I am now heading to the school I could’ve gone with if I chose not to focus my MBA in Asia. Oh LBS… how could I have not applied to you?

Then again, it was a conscious decision.

By choosing HKUST, I was choosing a life in Asia instaed of being more mobile. Some people call it stuck and limiting my options. My mom would say it’s putting my personal life first. She is dead scared that the obstinate me would not get married, and no one was as relieved as she was when I told her I was in HKUST to be with Trader.

Trader was of course, very much relieved. Hong Kong was a mere 3.5 hours away from Singapore… far enough and yet close enough to make a weekend trip. London would’ve killed him, and maybe even our relationship.

I also shut my doors in terms of the types of jobs I can accept. Oh well, maybe I could’ve done something more but hell, maybe I wouldn’t be as happy in the first place.

Regardless, I am heading off to London for a dry run in the next 3 hours. Whoppee-doo!

Okay,. gotta log off. Talk soon!

Is it to change careers? Then yes, an MBA opens doors to multiple industries for you.

Is it to increase your network? Then yes, you will meet friends for life. Alumni — if you are well respected by your school and your batch — will be there to help you.

Is it to gain a wonderful experience? Then yes, you will enjoy/suffer a really intense learning/life experience. I’ve had so many ups and downs in MBA that I couldn’t count.

If it’s to learn some added knowledge, then yes, going to school enables you to always keep on learning something you’ve never learnt before. Not all classes are great and some professors do suck, but overall you will have some takeaways.

However, if you are there to…

Get a boyfriend/girlfriend, be careful. There were quite a few people sleeping around and making out in LKF, but some got burned really fast. The MBA encourages an environment of hooking up quickly with your classmates who seem to be super impressive at first sight. However, maintaining a lasting relationship especially after you move away for exchange and your own careers can truly be taxing.

Go for the same industry, think again why you’re doing an MBA. It’s not for everyone. Coming from the finance industry and wanting to continue in finance, an MBA was unnecessary for me. If you want to transfer elsewhere in finance, you don’t need an MBA to do that. You’re just going to waste 16-24 months studying something in the hopes of being transferred to another role,when you could’ve done it WITHOUT an MBA.

To have easy access to all alumni, then not really. You increase your network sure but nobody would give you a job merely because you asked for it. They recommend you because you deserve it. You do great in school and your reputation precedes you. I myself will never recommend someone just because they’re from the same school. I know my school had some sucky people too. Why put my head on the line for someone I don’t know.

To get a secret sauce of the world, eeeh. I learnt a lot on MBA but on hindsight, I didn’t need to quit my job to get this knowledge. I could’ve done it part time and I would’ve gained the same knowledge. Sure, going to an MBA fulltime helped me focus more on my studies, but I don’t know if from a learning perspective, the professors taught less to parttimes. Not at all.

Hope this helps!

Over the last two weekends, I’ve spent most of the Saturday afternoons and evenings sleeping. Honest? My body has just been drained waking up at 5:45 am on a daily basis, working till 8:30pm or so, and then asleep by 12:30am that it can’t help but complain come the weekend.

Thank god for weekends. I love ‘em now.

However, I am very much blessed with such wonderful internship experience. How can 10 weeks fly so slowly and so fast? It seems that I’ve been there in my firm for months, having seen the many changes in the desk (we just hired 4-5 very seasoned salespeople), and the turmoil that’s been going on in the financial markets (e.g., Will the US default? Oh no, it might default. Wait, no it didn’t. Suckers. Aaargh, the sky is falling again. What the hell?).

I think everyone who has the chance to should get an internship. It’s a tremendous opportunity that gives you exposure to the Business you wish to be in, as well as to learn the most important lesson: That after 16 months of MBA, you know NOTHING and there’s no substitute to real-life market experience.

What makes me very lucky is that I know this. And very much humbled by this fact.

Despite having already worked for 6.5 years, I know jack shit about the financial markets. You cannot imagine just how many very experienced people is in my desk right now. You cannot help but just be in awe watching them work. Wow.

So that’s the reason why I’ve kinda disappeared. My body just can’t take doing anything else but eat, sleep and work. Hahaha!

That said, I’ve been enjoying my time with a few chosen classmates. That’s another benefit of an MBA: they say you get the alumni network but nothing is more precious than hanging out with your classmates as they themselves go through a different yet similar internship experience elsewhere.

That bond is truly once-in-a-lifetime.

I’ve gone increasingly close to many of them. I’ve realized that despite our many ups and downs, there has been a growing respect between each other. We know each other’s good and bad and accept each other just the same.

I am also glad to be away from the mess of being in a smaller class of 115 students. Admittedly, MBA was a bit like highschool. Some slept around, a few cheated on their significant others, and others tried to backstab you. Aiya, aren’t we adults now? Why make life so complicated.

And yet, we survived.

Wohoo!!!!

Though I now think that an MBA is not necessary – I once thought it was an “I must have it experience” - I do treasure the entire experience. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?

Also, Trader and I are doing so well. Did I just tell you? He earned his CFA!!!! Haha, so proud of him.

Okay, gotta go and sleep now. Take care you all and I love you so so much!

We’re not.

In fact, we’re pretty ordinary people.

Like everyone else, we eat, sleep, go to the bathroom. We do everything that everyone does. In fact, if you ask us to stand in a line, it would be difficult to see who has an MBA and who has not.

It’s like going through four years of undergrad.

Is there anything special about finishing your undergraduate degree if 80% of the population has done that anyway? No, right? An MBA at the moment has become more of a commodity. More and more people have it.

My first week of internship pounded this point. An MBA meant nothing especially in capital markets.

It doesn’t mean that if you have an MBA, you know almost immediately how the market works. You know immediately how to make money. You know all the clients in the bank.

In fact, an MBA did not prepare me for my first day back to work. It wasn’t very helpful except to set higher expectations, setting me up from a higher fall.

All it did was make me humbly realize that I, even after a year of going through an MBA, knew nothing.

It reminds me of a saying back in military school (yes, I did go to military training):

THE FOUR TYPES OF MEN

He who knows not and knows not that he knows not — he’s a fool. Shun him.
He who knows not and knows that he knows not — he’s a child. Teach him.
He who knows and knows not that he knows not — he is asleep. Wake him.
He who knows and knows that he knows — he’s wise. Follow him.

I would be the first to admit that I’m the second kind of man — the child — who still needs to be taught.

I don’ t think an MBA is any special. It took me a few months to know this, but I do realize it now.

However, I did learn a few things because of my upcoming MBA, which I will share with you at the moment.

I learned that other people are not like me.

Having worked in the finance industry, I thought people were ultra efficient, competitive and aggressive. You would think that way because people who get an MBA are doing an extra step to improve themselves further.

It’s not all true.

In fact, it really depends on the background. People in consultancy are slightly wordier because they are more process driven and have to explain things to clients. People in marketing are more consensus driven and meet so many times to make a decision. People in operations are more organized and logical.

And you know what, it’s okay.

Even if one seems to be more scatter-brained because they’re in a less organized industry, you realize that this has nothing to do with their competence. They can surprise you and can give out amazing output. It’s just that their way was not your way, and that is okay.

You realize that not everyone has the same priorities.

I came to the program in search for knowledge.

Others came in search for a career shift.

Some others came to find a life partner.

I think I’m the least flexible amongst us, but I do have a friend who told me once that she is more accepting of the strengths and weaknesses of her groupmates. She looks at what they can or cannot do, and assign work accordingly.

This is more admirable than the stubborn me who holds people to a higher standard, and come out disappointed because of this mindset.

I also realized that the world is so big.

I think an MBA is smart not because they are more intelligent.

They are smart because they realize that they know nothing. That the world is big. And there are other more talented people who are better than they are.

It’s truly a humbling rite of passage you see.

After you go through the many different lectures, work with a lot more people, you realize that no matter how many years you’ve worked, how many achievements you have, there are way others who know a lot more about you.

And it’s only by accepting that you know nothing that you can really start to push yourself to understand something. You empty your mind and let the information flow, and you learn more.

So no, I don’t think all MBAs are smart.

I don’t think that MBAs are any special.

I do think however that MBAs realize their limitations and respect the fact that they’re not that smart. That they don’t know it all.

And it’s only when you have this realization that you start learning.

And then one day… maybe… you can actually become smart.

But then again, did you really have to pay a sh*tload of money and go through the whole experience full time to learn all that? Well, that really is up to you.

Have a great weekend everyone!