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“It’s hard to accept, but you can’t change the past.

You can’t go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen.

Because life’d be meaningless and boring and just not worth living.

But you can change the future.

And that’s a beautiful thing about life.

Yes, you will make mistakes.

And yes, you will have bad days.

But as long as you let the past go, you’ll have such a gorgeous and bright future ahead of you.

Knowing that things were meant to happen.

Knowing that each day you will learn something so that you keep growing to be a better person.

Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into one marvelous stream that you have the chance you use something amazing from.

So grab hold of it.”

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Two more days before I get back to London after an almost 2-week journey around Spain alone.

I was in Madrid from last week Sunday afternoon to Thursday, Granada over the weekend, and thru the overnight train already in Barcelona till Friday.

In a way, it’s a bit frustrating because you couldn’t sample as much tapa as you want if you had a companion. It’s almost more expensive from an accommodation point of view. A savings of 15-20 Euro a day DOES add up.

However, it has been also exhilirating traveling alone.

You can’t imagine just how many churches I’ve been to, prayed and cried. Or exploring what type of travels that I personally like (e.g., wake up early, get brunch to eat, scour the city in the afternoon, having a nice dinner and walking around to go back to hostel).

I used to think I was that early bird who wanted to do everything when traveling from the early morning sun. However, I realized that I actually like lounging in bed in the morning, and go out energized in the afternoon. Didn’t know this before.

I also realized that I liked to “see” places. I am not the type of person who likes just walking around doing nothing. I want to see stuff, and check them off from my guidebook.

Shopping is also terrific with the tax-free rebate. Not as much as I’ve hoped though. Gosh, have to stop shopping.

In addition, I wrote something on my diary about my feelings. They were very real. I realized so many things during this trip about myself, about the relationships I’ve had with other people, etc.

Oh and for my breakup, yeah — I’ve kinda got over my “I blame myself completely for the demise” phase, and have moved on to a healthier place. I will type down what I wrote to share later.

In the end, these times has been about changes, and acceptance.

In a weird way, it’s about trust. Trust in God. I know some of you are not Christians, but I am and I cannot stress just how much my beliefs have helped me during these dark days.

Trusting in Him that He knows the way and has plans for you.

I leave with a quote that I found about reveling in Singleness:

“Good news: this is the life of a Christian. My Father is working everything out. He will provide for me. Today, I have everything I need for life and godliness. Today, nothing good has been withheld from me. Today, He is ordaining every detail of my day for my good. Today, I don’t need to be anxious about anything because He will take care of me.

The answer to the “why am I single” question is always: Because Jesus loves you. Because this is Him giving you what you need for today. Because this is the only way you’re going to finish this race. Because He promised to give you what was good and best and the key to your ultimate joy—and He’s going to do that, despite your attempts to sabotage your life.

We’ll waste this suffering if we look to our “odds” for hope instead of trusting in Jesus. We’ll waste it if we think the key to our joy is taking control instead of trusting. I know this tendency. It produces every kind of evil in coveting and questioning: Why is that girl married and not me? What if I don’t go to this party tonight and so I stay single? Don’t I have to put myself out there more? If I go to the nations, how will I meet a husband?

God’s mission calls. It is the purpose of our lives. Press on for the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Do not be distracted by details like marital status. Do not be kept out of the fight by fear of missing out on a date, but seek the greater glory of God.”

Amen.

 

 

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In Granada, Spain at the moment, traveling alone for the six days. So far so good but in a reflectory mood. Please be kind and hear what I’m not saying… ~ Bonita

============================

Please Hear What I’m Not Saying

 Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
Masks that I’m afraid to take off
And none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me,
but don’t be fooled,
for God’s sake don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I’m secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water’s calm and I’m in command
and that I need no one,
but don’t believe me.

My surface may be smooth but
my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only hope, and I know it.
That is, if it is followed by acceptance,
If it is followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me
of what I can’t assure myself,
that I’m really worth something.
But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare to. I’m afraid to.

 I’m afraid you’ll think less of me,
that you’ll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I’m afraid that deep-down I’m nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a façade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of Masks,
And my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that’s really nothing,
and nothing of what’s everything,
of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying,
what I’d like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can’t say.

I don’t like hiding.
I don’t like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you’ve got to help me.
You’ve got to hold out your hand
even when that’s the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings —
very small wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator–an honest-to-God creator –
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
It’s irrational, but despite what the books may say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

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I am in Madrid at the moment, traveling alone for the first time.

What’s the difference between traveling alone vs. with someone else?

Well, first, you get real paranoid. No offense to the Spaniards but everyone (including my hotel receptionist) has told me there’s tons of pickpockets here that would put those in the Philippines to shame.

“If you place your bag in the floor,” the receptionist said. “It will be gone. They are very very fast.”

Creepy much?

But I am loving Madrid.

It’s so Spanish. Haha, but actually, it has its own charm. Though it’s not as lyrically pretty as Vienna, as romantic as Paris, as mystical as Iceland, it’s still beautiful.

What I really love about Madrid so far is its nonchalance.

When I arrived last Sunday, I hung around the Plaza Mayor and Puerta del Sol and saw a lot of lovers, families and friends just enjoying the day. There were a lot of very talented street performers, and I felt really bad for them. It’s freezing and they’re trying their best to get a few pennies.

“The recession has hit us rather hard,” a shopkeeper said. “Five years ago, life was still good. Now, most people are jobless. It’s really dire.”

I bumped into a Filipina at the Metro. She for some reason felt I was Filipina so we started a conversation. “You look like my niece,” she shared. “If you have a good job in the Philippines, don’t come and work in Spain. It’s really tough.”

As I look at the street performers, the growing number of beggars, and the tired faces, I couldn’t help but feel bad about this happy country. Everything still looks good but cracks are felt underneath.

The flamenco restaurant I went to only had like 23 people. And there were 8 performers, goodness knows how many waiters and cooks. How could they sustain the business with just 23 people?

But as a tourist, I have many things to rave about.

First, the Royal Palace (Palacio Real) is amazing. Tickets are 5 Euros for students, and you have to see the magnificent salons inside. The tapestries, the floor to ceiling décor, the beautiful gardens and the velvet and gold adornments to immense heights, just beautiful.

I wouldn’t say they are the same as France’s and the Brit’s. I don’t think it’s fair to compare them. They are all extraordinarily beautiful and a must see.

I also enjoyed the Catedrsl de Nuestra Senora dela Almudena which is right beside the Palacio Real. Caught the bell ringing at 6pm. I was simply mesmerized.

Next, I also loved the Reina Sofia Museum. Saw so many works of Pablo Ruiz Picasso, Salvador Dali, Juan Gris, Miro, and so many other amazing artists. Notable was the massive Guernica which can only be seen at the museum. It’s been said to be one of the most famous paintings (mural) in the world, not only because it’s painted by Picasso but also because of the anti-revolutionary meanings behind it.

Then, I am in love with the food.

So far, I’ve been gauging myself with hugs Oysters (around Euro 1.75-3 each) at the Mercado de San Miguel, drinking special alcoholic beverages, churros dipped in chocolates, calamares breads, cured hams, and etc. OMG – I think I will definitely gain a few here in Spain. But oh how I am loving the entire process!

On a personal note too, it’s the first time I’ve traveled alone, and thankfully, I have a few people worrying about me. My mom for example and a few friends in London. It’s great to know that there are some who do care about you and ensure that you’re safe and sound.

I have also started to reflect further about what has happened the last couple of months. I’ve come to slowly accept my fate and hopeful for the future.

That said, I am looking forward to going back to London too. Haha, there are a few friends I’d like to still see before I go. For some reason, I had bonded with a few close friends extraordinarily well the last few weeks.

One friend in particular, I’ve shared a lot of heart-to-heart sessions.

The first time we met, we talked for 7.5 hours from 8pm to 3:30pm.

The next time we met, we chatted for 5 hours.

The last time we met, I think we went over 12 hours or so.

Is this normal? I think the last time I had this was with Trader over two years ago. Then again, I haven’t had this much time since then.

Oh well, we shall see. Taking it slowly and enjoying the process for now.

At the very least, I do gain a very good friend in the process!

That is, if you really believe that girls and guys can actually be friends.

 http://youtu.be/T_lh5fR4DMA

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In the aftermath of a breakup, we tend to ask ourselves repeatedly, “Why?“

We look into ourselves for answers. We ask other people. We even at times implore our exes to share what we did to have them lose attraction for us.

“Why?”

And we drive ourselves nuts as a result.

I have driven myself crazy asking this simple question, “Why?”

I knew why — I became a controlling, demanding b*tch. I pushed him away. I made him feel as if everything he did couldn’t make me happy (This is not true. I was happy), or that I didn’t need him (Another untruth – Trader was my rock). In short, I was this independent woman who didn’t have the empathy or sensitivity that her boyfriend (no ex) needed her, and I drove him away.

It’s all my fault.

My friend Eric laughs at me. “Yes, you do have fault in the demise of your relationship,” he said. “But it always takes two to tango. It’s not ALL your fault.”

“But I was the one who pushed him away,” I cried. “It’s all my fault. If I was just sweeter, less critical, less demanding, less…”

My friend Karen tells me to cut it out.

“Come on, Bonita,” she said. “Enough. He broke up with you because he wanted out. No matter what he said, or whatever reason he gave, it’s all bullshit. At the end of the day, he left because he wanted to.”

We often ask ourselves the question “Why?”

We want to think there’s a logical reason for the breakup. As if it’s a problem we need to solve.

Then again, at times, there are no real answers.

People break up because when all is said and done, they’ve made a decision. They wanted out.

My Thai friend Suppanikar says along the same lines, “It doesn’t really matter. You were always you. He always stood by you despite knowing that this was you. He stood by you because he loved you then. Then he let you go.”

He let me go.

And all the reasons why disappeared.

When all is said and done, he let you go. And despite the fact that you can change, that the relationship can get better, that it’s worth a second chance, it doesn’t really matter.

In a dance, your partner has left the partner and has let you go.

And though I cry in the evenings for my loss, people tell me that the loss is not completely mine. Yes, I am not perfect. I never was – and will be the first to admit my faults. But he gave me up. He gave up on the potential of us.

“You will find others,” my friend said. “Others who will appreciate you for who you are. Who can embrace you. Who can accept you.”

Relationships aren’t easy. There is no perfect relationship. And even I, I personally am changing myself to be a better person. To be a less controlling, more empathetic, more sensitive individual. To be a better me so to speak.

But if your partner has left the dance floor, the very best you can do to show how much you love that person is to respect their decision, and let them go as well.

My friends wonder why I can move on so fast. Why I am able to post happy photos on my Facebook and seem unfazed by the breakup.

I don’t tell them that it’s because I don’t care. It’s not as if I make a laugh out of my long term relationship. It’s not as if I didn’t love him.

I am letting go not because I don’t care. I am letting go because I care. Because I respect his decision. And because I trust that it’s for the best.

My story is still being written. I don’t know what’s in front of me yet.

“The best has yet to come,” someone told me this week.

He is right.

The best has yet to come.

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Five weeks since the breakup.

But I will not talk about my breakup. Instead, I will share with you the many internal changes going with myself.

Past is past, and the best thing to do in a failed relationship is to realize your own shortcomings and learn from them so you don’t make the same mistakes ever again.

Personally, I have become more mellow. More introverted.

Yes, I still do go out and have fun. My friends are terrific in that sense. But I feel a little bit more distant to what’s going on. I get a bit pickier. If I like it, I get involved. If not, I watch from a distance.

This was different — I’ve always liked being in the center of attention. Being an observer is interesting.

I’m also more careful.

I try and try being the operative word, to listen first before talking. I try to listen more, ask more questions, find out what the other person is trying to say.

It’s interesting to stop serving the ball and just return the ball.

I’m also pickier. Maybe it’s the breakup, but it takes me a longer time to warm up to people. Ever since I broke up, I feel that guys are swarming to offer their comfort, which I appreciate. But I won’t be this easy woman who is in the hunt for her next rebound.

I used to tell my girlfriends, “Kiss someone else after you breakup, and it will be easy for you to get over him.”

Funny — I am not practicing what I preach.

Not that I don’t have the option. I just don’t want to. I would rather wait for now, thank you very much.

My priorities are changing as well.

*Laughs*

It’s amazing. The whole 2.5 years I was together with Trader, he kept on selling me the ideas of family and children and domesticity, and I’ve never listened. Now that we’ve broken up, I’ve realized that I want those too.

I want to get married.

I want two children.

I actually like cooking. Just yesterday, I cooked some delicious chicken fillet with salad and brown rice. Ha! Let’s see how many women can actually cook (Though not you Jidi, I know you’re an amazing cook!).

I am also stronger and less complacent.

I was happy to let Trader run the show before, satisfied with the thought that if we did get married, my primary role was to support him and my career was secondary. Well, we knew how that relationship ended up, but I think I would want to work for myself now, thank you very much.

Which is why I’m starting the pet project I’ve talked about earlier.

I’m less scared now.

Thanks to my mom and brother.

A bit more confident. And hopefully, tough yet soft at the same time.

I feel the changes.

Though it came at a high cost, thank you Lord for making the breakup happen because I am changing for the better, and I am becoming the daughter you want me to be.

Have a great weekend!

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I am working on a pretty big pet project at the moment.

It’s this project that makes me smile and drives me.

It will come to play in 2012, and I can’t wait to unveil it in the next few months.

However, despite the excitement, the project brings a lot of concern and trepidation.

Why?

Because though I am doing this with the moral support of the family, I am driving this project alone.

And though I want to act tough in front of others, I have to admit — the prospect of doing this alone scares me. The entirety of the project relies on my efforts and if I ever let go or give up, this project would fail.

I don’t want it to fail.

I need this to be successful.

For my sake.

I need this project to be successful to justify my upcoming homecoming.

To rationalize my life changes.

To make my transition smoother.

I am doing this for me, and for goodness, I will not fail.

But it’s not easy. Doing things alone is tough. So I need to be strong.

But I cannot… not truly.

As a person, I need someone to remind me that I can do it.

As a woman, I need someone to console me that they will love me and think no less of me even if this business fails.

As a classmate, I need expert advise on how to go about this.

As a partner, I need someone I can trust.

As a daughter, I need my parents to tell me that they will back me up no matter what.

As a sister, I need my brother to prop me up when I start having doubts.

Yes, I need people.

And I need to be strong.

Starting right now.

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A month after my breakup… wow, how time flies.

It hasn’t been an easy journey but oh, how invigorating the process was.

Over the last four weeks, I’ve done a lot of self-reflection, making changes where I saw fit.

And there were many.

My life path for 2012 for example has radically changed from what it was before I arrived in the UK.

The funny thing was, as soon as I was single, the wolves came pounding in.

Some of them have no mercy.

For example, two, three days after my breakup, I was invited to go to the school pub, the Windsor, for some birthday celebratory drinks. Was it ever a surprise that some of my male classmates offered me tons of drinks and shots in the hopes of getting me intoxicated enough to go with them?

Have they no shame — I just broke up!

Vulnerable!

Oh wait, maybe that was their plan….

Afterwards, a friend heavily hinted that he was interested, slowly raising his hand as a potential person to date.

“He’s nice ma,” my other friends defended him. “Why not him?”

“Errr…. it’s just been two and a half weeks after I broke up,” I consoled him. “Trust me, he doesn’t want to be a rebound.” Then smiled.

Random guys have also been Facebooking me.

Saying they liked my photo and wanted to get to know me better.

I never had that when I was still in a relationship.

Weird, just weird. I think I need to work on my privacy settings…

And lastly, another friend seemed to be another potential.

I knew him from before as we’ve been friends from Hong Kong. He moved back to the UK to start his own business, and given that we’re in the same city, we met up once again.

He was really nice.

We talked for 7.5 hours last weekend.

From 8pm… to almost 4am.

And it was real nice.

“He likes you,” my Chinese friend said after I told her about my evening the next day.

“How do you know?”I asked.

“No guy will talk to you for almost eight hours unless they’re interested,” she replied.

“Dude, guys talk to me for a long time. Eight hours is nothing,” I said back.

Then again, when Trader and I first met, we talked for the whole day.

When Mark and I first dated, we hung out the whole day.

May it possibly be a recurring theme for guys I date?

Or maybe I am just interesting enough to talk to for 8 hours a time?

Bah – this is what I hate from the singles scene.

All the uncertainties.

Of not knowing whether a guy likes you because you are available, or likes you for you.

On whether or not his touch or hug meant something, or is he just being fresh.

Of waiting to see who’ll call or message first, and trying to analyze what he meant by what he said.

Then again, maybe such is life. I should be at least thankful there has been some interest, and some seem quite promising than others. A girl could only hope.

Let’s wait and see.

What will happen.

The next chapter of my life.

Mr 7.5 hours messaged me today.

He is wondering if I am free for coffee.

I like coffee.

No seriously, I do.

Welcome to the dating scene, Bonita.

Welcome back…

Now, cest la vie!

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A few updates on how I’ve been doing so far in lovely London. If you may ask, I am thoroughly blessed even though it doesn’t really seem that way. For one, I am in the company of great friends, and two, if there’s a city to be lonely in and have enough stuff to keep you busy, then it’s London!

Almost four weeks after the breakup, and the shock has began to wear off. I have already come to terms that we have equivocally said our final goodbyes, and we are OVER.

It doesn’t make it any easier, and at times, I feel much sadness. And why won’t I? It’s been a terrific 2.5 years, and I feel a bit of a pity knowing that if nobody pulled the plug, we would have made it well till the end.

I’m a firm believer in relationships, and of not giving up. Commitment is extremely important. However, if one person is no longer dancing with you, you should also step off the dance floor and find somebody else who would.

Then again, even though I’ve lost the relationship, I would NOT lose the lesson.

I admit it: I have not been such a good person. Blame it on Hong Kong or my MBA, but I’ve gained an inflated view of my own self worth. I felt that I was tough and strong and that I was usually right. I was opinionated, but fair. Tough yet loving. However, not everyone can take that. Moderation is the key and many times, I just pushed too much. 

In other words, I didn’t like the person I had become.

The break up was terrible for me that I’ve lost somebody that I truly deeply loved. However, it had to take such high of a price to shake me off my la-la land.

I had to change.

I wanted to be a better person.

My friend Eric summarizes it completely when he said, “Kaka (another girlfriend) thinks that in her breakup, she is never at fault. In your breakup, you think it’s all your fault.”

Well, that’s just me. If I am right, I will fight till I die. But if I am wrong, I will admit it till I run out of breath. And I think that though no relationship is perfect, half the fault for the breakup was mine, and I would like to take responsibility for it. I have already shed tears for it and feel a lot of regret, but yes, the fault was also mine.

Regardless, it’s not too healthy to beat yourself up for these things. Past is past. You live, you learn. And I have already said my apologies. Once, given that it is sincere, is enough.

So what am I busy now?

Well, I am doing a lot more self-reflection and changing myself to be a better me. I am excited about this. I think I can be better. And I look forward to the time when such hardship is over and I emerge born again, a better person.

I would like to be more patient, more tolerant, more loving, a bit sweeter, more considerate, less hateful, less hot tempered, more loving, more reasonable, more level headed, more loving. In other words, I want to be a more balanced person. A more loving partner.

Two, I have re-defined my priorities in life. Losing Trader made me realize that career is not something I really want. Instead, I want someone to love. A family. Children.

Yes my friends, it seems that my breakup has changed me to an about face. My friends wonder if this change is permanent but if whether I am going cuckoo. But I kid you not: from weeks forward after my self-reflection, I am making FAMILY a priority. Not just my future family, but my present family as well.

My mom has been nothing but supportive after the breakup. Her emails has made me cry and laugh and gave me much comfort on the dark days. My little brother had been so cheerful about my loss that I couldn’t help but also be hopeful with what’s in front of me. My dad is as usual, stoic. But I know that he was okay with Trader and he probably (and rightfully so) blamed me a bit for the loss.

But I love my family dearly. I love my friends. And yes, I will place life and family on top priority going forward.

Because of this, I am making major life changing decisions.

And guess what? I am super excited for it.

After talking to so many advisers, I have decided to prepare for a homecoming. After I finish my MBA in a few weeks, I now know where my purpose lies. My purpose is to be close to the family that loves me, my friends who had been there for me since I was young, and for me to stop running away from my responsibilities. I will not declare it now until I book my plane tickets, but trust me when I say this, I am so looking forward to the next few quarters.

Lastly, I am working on several projects that put big smiles to my face.

In fact, I’ve just received a positive email today that made me smile from ear to ear. It’s not a Php 100 million deal, but for me, it’s enough. I have a highly visible project that would keep me busy for 2012, and I can’t wait to start and make it happen.

It’s going to be good — oh, pray that it pushes through — but if it does, my gosh. It’s like what I want to do. It’s not that difficult I think but it will take a bit of guts, money and a lot of luck. But my golly, if it works… everything should be set. It would indeed be a great homecoming.

So there it is, the breakup was a wakeup call. Thanks Trader for doing this for me. I didn’t really appreciate you as much as I did, and if I have to do it all over again, I promise that the relationship would be tons tons better. Regardless, the lesson I learn is for my next relationship. The future boyfriend is appreciative.

Anyway, there are many changes coming up — and I am excited.

There is already a change in myself, to be a better person, a better woman, a better daughter, a better future partner to my husband, and a better mother to my children.

There’s also a change in my life direction. The news will surprise most who knows me, but if you know why I’m doing it, then am sure you would agree and offer your support.

And lastly, there’s a change on what I need to do. The project I’m talking about will come to fruitation in the next few months and I cannot wait to unveil it if things go to plan.

I am hopeful for the future. My ex-sister in law said, “God has many plans for God’s best!” and I believe it. I believe that bad things happen make way for better things in life. I feel and know there are good things up ahead. And I pray that you would continue to support and encourage me throughout the hard yet exciting times in 2012!

Have a great weekend!

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…as a clue on what and where my future lies, here is a wonderful post that I found on the web by popular career blogger, Penelope Trunk. Enjoy!

Make your work more meaningful
by Penelope Trunk
http://blog.penelopetrunk.com/2011/11/15/make-your-work-more-meaningful/

This post is sponsored by the American Cancer Society.

Take a look at Steve Martin’s business card. I love it because it brings to light the lack of meaning we often feel during the daily routine of work life.

When I was new to the workforce, I saw two ends of a spectrum. On one end, risking one’s life to save dying children, and on the other end, hedge-fund banking to make millions.

If you see the work world that way, then you feel compelled to choose between making good money or doing good deeds. But at this point, I don’t think the world breaks down like that. I think all jobs are meaningful.

1. Meaningfulness comes from relationships.
My introduction to this way of thinking was Sonja Lyubomirsky’s research about happiness and work (compiled into a book I like: The How of Happiness.) She found that janitors are happier than lawyers and the discrepancy arises from the amount of meaningfulness they perceived in their work.

The janitors felt that they were helping people by keeping the school running well. They knew the students and the teachers and they had a nice relationship with them: people asked for help, the janitor gave help, the person thanked the janitor.

With the lawyers, it’s the opposite. People hate having to ask a lawyer for help. They want the lawyer to solve their problems, but in general, you only call a lawyer when you have a problem you will not be able to get out of without one. So the lawyer can’t really make people feel good. On top of that, a lawyer charges by the hour so there is almost never a thank you in exchange for a small piece of work. (More rationale for ditching your dreams of law school.)

2. Meaningfulness comes from feeling some control.
Having control over one’s job and an ability to make a difference — through meeting goals, saving lives, solving problems — is what enables people to enjoy their work, according to research published in The Economist. The prestige of the given job is not nearly as important as being able to have an effect. If jobs are not challenging enough, then people are not happy because they don’t have a feeling of affecting someone else. People like being part of a group, they like being able to contribute.

Relative to the rest of life, work is predictable. Kids are totally unpredictable, health is unpredictable, friends and family are wild cards, but there are rules for work that people follow. Those generally accepted rules are what makes work a safe place to be.

3. Management creates meaning
The relationship between a boss and an employee should be very meaningful. Good management is actually about being nice. A manager’s job is to make people shine, to show them they can do more than they ever imagined and to make employees excited to come to work. Management’s job is to create meaningful work.

In the same vein, an employee’s job is to make their boss’s life better. Whatever you were hired for, whatever that job description said, the bottom line is that you are there to solve your boss’s problems. You will feel good at work if you are making your boss happy–it’s a symbiotic relationship.

4. Creating meaning yourself is empowering.
To be clear, a job does not give your life meaning. How you treat people and how you relate to communities and society is where you get your meaning. Work is just a great platform to create that meaning. You can choose whether or not you make your work meaningful. You can wait for someone else to magically anoint your job with meaning. But you will be waiting a long time. Instead, make work meaningful yourself. It’s an act of freedom, taking your life into your own hands.  

5. Look for opportunities.
My step-mom had cancer for more than a decade. She had a breast removed, she went into remission, then back to the hospital, then remission. At first I thought her life was becoming crazy and how could she cope? But then I saw that the best thing for her was that she kept going to work. The stability in her life was her job. She couldn’t control the cancer, or the treatments, or her energy, but she could control her workload and she could meet her goals when she was there.

When she couldn’t be at the office, her co-workers took over her workload so her job would be there for her when she returned. Every time.

When an office comes together to support someone in crisis the whole office is infused with meaning. The strength they gave my step-mom by enabling her to come to work, in turn gave strength to the family members trying to help take care of her.

Work has meaning because it provides stability in our lives, and we create meaning by helping co-workers to use that stability to be brave and strong in the rest of life.

Look around you, all the time–look for people at work who need help with their work.  Caring for your co-workers might be the most meaningful part of work for all of us.

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…to be honest, I’ve had a pretty spectacular week.

Let’s see, on Monday, I met a new friend and we ate at Pizza Hut. I met even more new friends when I went to a Moroccan gathering. Ate tons of lamb tangines.

Then, on Tuesday, watched the Arsenal match and even though the score was 0-0, it was still fun. There were around eight of us who went, wohoo!

On Wednesday, I watched and cried during a very lovely show of Les Miserables. Met a cute guy named – wait for it – Michael. People who know me know that all the guys except Trader, their names started with an “M.”

Thursday, Boyce Avenue! The cute brothers — Alejandro, Daniel and Fabian performed at the Shepherd’s Bush O2!

And lastly, climbed around eight rock climbing walls at the Westway Sports Center.

<img class="aligncenter size-full wp-image-2095" title=" on June 16, 2011 in London, England.” src=”http://namelessintaipei.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/rock.jpg” alt=”" width=”448″ height=”299″ />

So yes, I have been meeting friends, going out to new places, and doing exciting things. Of course, I still felt like crap and cried today, but then again, nobody can ever fault me for trying my best to get over him.

At the very least, despite the crappiness of my love life, it was still a very wonderful week.

Hope everyone’s having a great one as well! Please pray once again for a speedy recovery!

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Mom: “I don’t see any logic on why he just dumped you and didn’t call because he cares for you. In fact, it should be the opposite. You are alone in London. If he cares, he should at least call.”

Bonita: “Logic: He doesn’t love me enough to marry me anymore?”

Mom: “Wrong. He is not ready to take responsibilities. He chickened out.”

Bonita: “You are right. Is that common with men?”

Mom: “At least you finally agreed with something I said about your stupid Trader.”

Bonita: “I’ve always agreed with you mom. Never disagreed anyway. I knew what Trader’s weaknesses are – we were together for 2.5 years. However, I chose to accept his weaknesses because he is a good man and treats me right. I settled because I want a good guy to marry to and raise children with. Trader would have been a wonderful father, and a decent husband.

I didn’t think that ours would’ve been a meeting of minds. I think that’s difficult to achieve with any guy. I don’t really know who will be equal to me – who would be excited about life, want to make the most out of life, be somebody and help the community. I don’t know if I can find that equal for me, and with Trader gone, the more I am afraid that I would be alone. If patient Trader cannot love me, then who else could?

Then again, I need to have hope. Everyone is telling me that I deserve better. Everyone thinks the world of me. But where is that someone else better?

The fact that he isn’t beside me at the moment doesn’t make the miserable and sad feeling go away. What’s worse, my age for the Philippines (though not in HK or Taiwan) is considered to be old. Even Trader reminds me of my age all the time, as if to rub salt to the wound.

Should I be worried?

I think I am doing well, and am sure my life would be terrific. Dad and you raised me to be a capable independent woman with a good heart and values, and I know I will be okay. But I don’t want to be alone like my sister. Miserable and bitter. I do in the end want a family. I think that would be really nice. This is why I am sad.”

Yes, despite my being tough and strong, I fear of being alone. It’s not the natural me. I want to love and be loved. To raise wonderful children.

But given how far I’ve become from the norm, could I really find that special guy who can accept me for who I am?

*Starts crying*

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My mom: “So Bonita if I were you, I would thank God for taking away Trader. Anyway if he either comes back by himself or by you calling him again, thank God for changing Trader and making him strong enough to be with you.

But now you should be steadfast. Hold your head up with confidence. You should be ready to face Trader if you ever see him again. Don’t ever let him hurt you again. Your future is bright and you are how we brought you up.

A friend: “I think he made a worse choice than day trading by ending it with you…”

Another friend: “Yeah, I think you’ll attract the good ones. Don’t worry…”

Thank you God for giving me the comfort I need when I need it the most. Love love!

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For someone I’ve been talking to in a daily basis for 2.5 years, just going cold turkey is kinda tough. You for moments wonder what’s going on with them. Luckily, I haven’t stopped living my life after I got into the relationship so it’s not as bad as it could’ve been if we spent all our waking times together.

Still, I think about this quote: “Love is like a bird. Squeeze them too tight and they die. If you love them, let them go. And if they come back, they’re really yours in the first place.”

It’s clear to say that the ball is NOT in my court.

If I email or contact him, he might think I am needy and desperate who wants to get back to him again.

If I just want to say hello, he might think that I’m not giving him any space.

If I show I care, he might think I can’t get over him.

Post a breakup, love seems more like a game on who can get over the other faster. I hate it, but it’s the game we have all played in our lives.

So what I have been doing is this: I have been living my life to the fullest (scraping and trying to get out of the house on a daily basis), surrounding myself with wonderful friends (so I don’t have bad thoughts in my head), rethinking my life and what to do for the future and just staying tough.

And when I say tough, that means I’m trying to be more accepting of my circumstance. It doesn’t mean that I don’t cry or get hurt. In fact, I cry in an almost every other day basis. The emotion just rises up to me and I can’t help but sob uncontrollably, usually in the morning when I wake up. I’ve done this three times now.

It doesn’t mean I get hurt. Everytime I think of my failed relationship, I ask myself, “Was it be? Could’ve I done better? I regret.”

I talk to myself when I go out, when traveling home, when I am alone. I am careful not to demean myself too much because it’s not healthy for me. When I think dangerous thoughts, I try to push them away and tell myself, “This WILL get better.”

So tough for me is not that I don’t need anyone, that I can be alone, that I like where I am at the moment.

Tough is staying strong even if the world is crumbling into bits. To be hurt, but stay in control. To love even when you don’t receive it back. To give others comfort even at times, it’s you who need it the most.

I’m trying to stay tough at the moment. Even if it means no more nasty hair changes like I did yesterday. Going forward, no more permanent changes I’d regret. Aaargh, I miss my long straight beautiful hair.

Anyway, it’s tough.

People said that it’s just about time. Time heals all wounds. But how come time takes so long to come? Why does it allow me to suffer? Can they not have some pity?

Yes, I am tough. But it’s tough to rid yourself of someone who is an integral part of you. It’s like taking off a bandaid fast. It hurts, and it hurts a lot.

Again, please please pray for me that this gets better.

I know I can do it, but it does make it easier that you guys are very supportive regardless on what happens. I love you!

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I hate my friend Jacky.

Last week, he said that a lot of guys were turned off by me because they found me to be aggressive, demanding, tough. He said I needed to change and improve and he’s just telling me this because he is a friend.

So what do I change then?

“You can start with your hairstyle,” he suggested. “Maybe curl it.”

I thought he was really stupid but after I thought about it more, I wondered, what I would look like with a nice wavy haircut? Stars usually have nice shiny wavy hair. Think Kate Middleton or Jessica Simpson right?

After I saw Britney Spears, there were a few dancers with nice wavy hair. I’ve decided to just f*ck it and perm my hair.

There’s a salon next to my house operated by some Turkish men. They told me that I should do a “Spinal perm” because it’s big wavy curls and is sexy. After some haggling, I agreed – and so my GBP 130 hairstyle is coming up.

And this is the result of my adventure…

I look like a Santo Nino….!

(*#@&*$&#*&!@*!@

Okay, so i look horrible. And poorer by GBP 130.

But then again, it’s so hilarious I can’t help but smile so wildly. It’s really funny!

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These days, I feel a bit of regret about my failed relationship. But what’s over is over. I can’t redo what’s already happened.

Fortunately, it is a big wake up call.

I’ve been so full of myself the last couple of months, forcing myself to be stronger than I really am, more competent than I should be. Maybe it’s because the MBA has placed me in a position where I became the finance expert in a batch of career changers. Maybe it’s just being stubborn.

Bottomline is, it’s not the natural me and I need to change my weaknesses. I won’t be high up in my pedestal to say I’m innocent of all charges given to me. However, I’d like to think I’m misunderstood and I can change if I think it’s right.

“But you are who you are?!” my friend who was dressed as a cute sumo at yesterday’s party told me yesterday. “Shouldn’t people just love and accept you for who you are?!”

Agreed – I think it’s important to have self-love and self-esteem.

However, I also equally believe that people are human. We fail too and we need to be better and improve if we are mistaken. Personally, I can be a bit too demanding with the people around me. I give them 100% and expect them to do the same. From a career perspective, that’s good, but some people can’t take it and I must make compromises before it’s too late.

Regardless, the main point is, I think there is much to improve within myself and I’m taking concrete steps to do so. Please note that I am not doing this to take Trader back as I’ve already fully accepted that we are over, but I am doing this to myself.

Because I want to be better.

More human.

To be the best person I can be.

And it’s only then that we can find people who can truly love us for the real us. the best part in us.

In other words, my next boyfriend would be one lucky bastard.

Anyway, the life changing decision I’m taking about will blow people’s minds. Haha, I love surprising people but let me give you a hint. Everything you know about me to this day points that I am heading towards one direction.

I will be changing this decision within a quarter. Maybe within February.

And even though my risk averse mom is so scared for my well-being as she wants me to stay within the status quo, in my heart, I know that what I’m doing is right.

It’s almost time.

No more dilly dallying about it.

And even though my mom, Trader and everyone else may not be supportive because they think it’s crazy, I think this is becoming the right life decision for me.

I love you all. Thank you for all your support the last couple of years. You cannot imagine just how grateful I am for all your comments, love and encouragement.

The most amazing thing is, it’s going to get better.

I love you!

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I am at Day 4 of my breakup, and I write you today to update you guys on how I’ve been.

On Day 0, I was totally unaware that the breakup would happen. As you know, Trader and I had a pretty stable long-distance relationship. Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs, which couple haven’t, but the main point is that through all the changes ongoing with our lives, we have always worked it out.

Unfortunately, this thing happen and I will not share with you guys in depth what happened. In a way, it doesn’t really matter anyway since we are over. However, I was truly caught unaware and we shed our tearful goodbyes (more his tears than mine) before logging off from Skype almost from the last time.

Trader had been my rock and my strength throughout these years. He has in a way, been my best friend. He knows everything that’s been happening and I loved him for that.

So on Day 0, we broke up at 2am my time, which was awful since I spent till 5:30 am trying to understand what happened and getting solace from my online friends. Thank goodness for the time lag. At least, people from Hong Kong, South Africa, China, and Taiwan offered their best wishes and comfort.

When I woke up on Day 0, I was just numb. I couldn’t believe that I was broken up. I didn’t have any energy to do anything but stay in bed.

However, I had a whole day class to go to. And you know me, I don’t like missing class even though I had valid reasons to do so. So I put on my makeup, my hat and went to class. The whole six hours of it. And I was okay.

By the end of class, I was again a complete mess. I called up my 911 and met up with two friends, who had the unluckiness of being with me at my worst. I cried, hugged, and just moaned. I complained, forgave and just cried and cried and cried. I had uncontrollable tears. I just felt the need to cry.

My guy friend though he wasn’t enjoying the experience was having a ball. It’s not every day that a friend would hug him this tightly. My girl friend was helpful. In the end, it was important that I had two people listening to me moan and groan. I wasn’t alone thinking suicidal thoughts, and I had company. At least, I don’t hurt myself.

I also had people to talk to. People I trust and can bounce ideas with as I wallow in self-pity. For example:

- Is it my fault (not really – sometimes this just happens)?
- Does he love me (yes he did, but that’s the past. You’re broken up now so who cares)?
- Is there another third party (probably not)?
- Was I a bitch (maybe, but you’ve been consistently a bitch for the last 2.5 years. It wasn’t something that would’ve broke the straw off the camel’s back)?
- Can I still get him back (why – he doesn’t deserve you if he doesn’t want you)?
- How do I recover (get distracted, stay busy, and just think about you)?
- Can I still get him back (no, so just concentrate on how not to make mistakes on the next one)?
- I think I’m a loser (no you’re not – you’re beautiful, smart with a great personality. Any guy would want you)?
- I’m probably going to be single forever (eeeh, be single for now but you’ll be fine)!
- Can I still find love? Can I still trust men (yes, just leave it to fate. He’ll come when you least expect it!)

This went on the whole afternoon and evening till I was exhausted. Since I didn’t get enough sleep, I spent the night at my girl friend’s house.

On Day 1, I awake dialed Trader. Yes, my now-ex. My gosh, it was so embarrassing but when I woke up, I needed him. I wanted him to be with me. This need was so unexplainable and it was just something I knew I had to do even though I knew it wasn’t very healthy for me.

I was spent, didn’t have energy to work. For a workaholic, this was awful especially since I was going through recruitment. I couldn’t go through interviews or applications with puffy eyes and an unbalanced mindset. I was going crazy and I needed some stability.

Yes, I knew that No Contact was the best way to go and forget and move on with your lives. But on Day 1, I wasn’t strong. I couldn’t help it. So I called Trader.
He did answer, my good man. Of course he did. He didn’t want to look like a jerk. But if you’re asking if we’re going to get back together? We’re not. It’s over. But we decided to keep the lines of communication open at least for my sake.

Then after I finished feeling awful, I called my brother and mom, who gave me the right amount of comfort I needed. I felt a lot better and walked around the day feeling numb, sad, and miserable. From a physical standpoint, I wanted to puke. But otherwise, I was okay. Even more so when I talked to my landlady when she got back.

Talking really helps on a breakup.

Day 2 was about being busy – I had to prepare for an interview, go to class and attend a company talk at Canary Wharf. I still had my doubts, I was still a bit sad but the recovery is going very well. I did not cry anymore.

Day 3 was about letting go. I had lunch with a friend who gave me even more comfort and answered questions that were in my head. Then I went to the Windsor and got totally smashed.

I drank around 1,100 ML of beer and two shots of Jaeger in three hours.
For a non-alcoholic like me, this was a lot. Back in Asia, I would only drink around 2 cocktails the whole night and get a bit tipsy. This was a little bit too much but I didn’t really care. I was single and broken up and I don’t want to be limited because of a breakup.

However, I was still me, and me was still sane.

Sure, I could’ve stayed and drunk even more beer.

Sure, I could’ve had my fun, got totally plastered, and went home with a guy. I found it funny that there were already willing candidates, my groupmate of all people. He is Mexican and has no shame of taking me home it seems.

But it’s not me. I don’t want to do this. Not even after a breakup.

So I left at 11:30 pm without so much a goodbye. If I said goodbye, I never could’ve left. They would’ve encouraged me to stay, drink even more and who knows what could’ve happened?

Managed to get home by bus, walked back, drank tons of water, and went to bed.
In the morning today of Day 4, I get an SMS from the Mexican guy, “Did you go home?”

Yes, I did go home. I think am not really home yet, but I will be soon.

Yes, I am vulnerable, sad and miserable. I was shocked and at a deep end. But friends help. Alcohol did help a bit. But friends help. And I have to be strong too to make this through as quickly as possible.

And this is the anatomy of my breakup.

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I am crying and hurt. Even though I know things will be okay one day, I am still heartbroken.

Please let me know how to get over a broken heart. I think him I can get over, but it’s just that after the breakup, you’re single again and it’s definitely a big change in one’s life especially when you think that the guy was ready to marry you after 2.5 years.

I am asking my parents to find me someone new. I will try to be busy. I will keep my mind into work.

But it will not be easy.

Please pray for my sanity in the next couple of days. Please. And thank you.

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If you haven’t heard the news, would just like to update you that the general global economy is tanking.

Greece can’t seem to pay off its debts because nobody there pays off their taxes (hence, the big deficit) and the Eurozone is in a sh*thole. The United States meanwhile is experiencing a slowdown because people are slowly realizing that they have to pay off their humongous debt.

It’s insane just how much Americans seem to be under the water. In Asia, we’re usually debt free unless we want to buy a house, which is btw supported by our income. However, the US seem to just take debt as if these never needed to get paid! How could you be merely 18 and be deepin your neck with debt?

Anyway, so the job market is really poor.

At the London Business School Corporate Partner evening two weeks ago, most of the banks were NOT hiring. It’s kinda pathetic. Really big giants of yesterday are telling us that there are no headcount for the year, unless the economy clears out and improves.

But then again, when would that be?

There seems to be no white knight in place to save everyone, and to be honest, I think it’s about time that people start becoming accountable for their previous erroneous decisions. Sure, life will be tougher for everyone, but then again, shouldn’t you pay if you make the wrong decision?

Be responsible lah.

So in the midst of my MBA graduating batch who is being unleashed in a world of limited jobs, all I can say is FCUK.

Then again, good times always come and go. Hopefully, with an MBA, we can be better prepared to weather the storm. Like we said, make lemonades out of lemons. And when the door shuts, a window opens.

I myself am a bit reflective these days, but as they say, cautiously optimistic.

There are still people who are hiring, take note. I am still being called by headhunters. It’s just that there’s not a lot more to go around as before.

But re-calibrate. Re-adjust. Make the most out of it.

There’s no point of starving because you don’t want to settlle. Often times, we are only as good as our options. So take the world as it is and if you are really worth it, doors will open to you when you least expect it.

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Trader’s 26-year old little sis is getting married today. Or is already married if we followed Asian times.

His sister is pretty cute/hot/beautiful. She’s not that tall, but has this lovely almond shaped head and eyes. She looks like a more innocent version of Zhang Ziyi with bigger eyes and a better personality.

Consequently, at a young age of 26, she is getting married.

She and her husband started dating almost the same time Trader and I started. I think we were slightly earlier but not by much.

And while her husband took her off the market immediately, Trader is waiting to have all his ducks (financially) in a row before popping the question. He doesn’t really understand just how people can be married without not being financially stable.

“Hon, people get married for other reasons than being financially stable,” I countered. “Money will never actually be enough. And what better test for a marriage than a couple to make their money and raise a family together?”

Ah family. For Trader, a valid reason for marriage is to start a family. He wants children and has always been trumpeting the fact. As for me, I hate those crying spoiled brats. They’re irritating and always cry unreasonably to get their own way. Aaaargh, who has been stuck with a crying toddler in a long-haul airplane?!

But Trader believes I can be a good “mom.” Scary true, strict even more so, but good. I joked that our children, IF EVER, would know his DCFs, CAPMs and APVs by the time he is in highschool. Why not anyway? They are not super hard concepts…

However, I hate being pressured.

Here, Trader is taking his sweet time to propose and raising as much money as he can for a family (It’s been 2.5 years since we last started dating), and yet he would want me to rush the babies because of my “biological clock.”

He wants three children so if we reverse calculate it, I need to have my first baby stat. As in now.

But nooo, he wants to take his time. So if he wants me to rush the recreation process, well…

H to the Hell NO!

Anyway, it makes me mad just thinking about it. I would not be patient waiting for him to propose, only to be rushed because he wants kids immediately. Aaargh.

If we take 2.5 to three years to get married, then hell, we will start getting pregnant 2.5 to three years after our wedding. And if he’s trying to change it, well then tough.

Tough luck indeed.

Okay, so I started on a sweet note and now am mad. Sigh, I need to really have my temper in check, but don’t you think it’s a wee bit unfair?!

My solution: If you take x years to get married, then I will take my sweet time like x years to get pregnant.

Ta-daaa! Fair and good solution!

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Oh no – I’m again addicted to simulation games!

The latest culprit is DragonVale, which is downloadable for FREE in iTunes. I am currently using it via my iPad, and of course, the graphics are terrific!

***Apologies but WordPress can’t seem to attach my photos as well***

The concept is really simple: you are owner of this dragon amusement park and you can buy/sell/breed dragons and make money off park revenues. However, you also need to feed them so they can grow larger and earn you more park revenues!

The graphics are really cute, and it’s honestly very addicting.

I already have My Horse and all these other simulation games, but so far, DragonVale has really caught my attention. What’s better, it’s absolutely free! Here is a more objective review online.

Anyway, London is continuing to be terrific.

Yesterday, I went to the Portobello Street Market at Notting Hill. Yes, that place where the movie Notting Hill, starring Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant was inspired from. And yes, it IS a TRAVEL bookshop. Cute huh?

The Portobello Street Market is actually a long strip of stalls selling tons and tons of antiques. Some are really expensive (I think we saw a nightingale machine costing GBP 8,000!) while others are cheap (e.g., spoons and cutlery costing GBP2 each).

I finally bought a really nice purple mink coat for only GBP50. Original price was GBP 65 but there was a bit of damage that I didn’t really mind. Sure to keep me warm on winter.

Afterwards, we had a really really nice Oriental dinner at Banana Leaf in Queensway. Ordered the Chili Beef with Banana Platter and it was so tasty! Yummmy!

Okay, gotta go and see if the London Dungeon is open. Ciao!

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Yesterday, we just finished our first course at LBS. It’s called Capital Markets and Financing, which is a psuedo-core course of their program for those interested to take a career in finance. As it’s a pre-requisite for other finance subjects, we took it as a block week, meaning, it only took us five days to take the whole thing and have the exam.

 

So yesterday, just finished my first exam at LBS.

 

The course itself was fun to take. Of course, a lot of content was redundant to that of HKUST’s, but I do believe it’s complementary. HKUST’s Strategic Finance & Value Creation was taught by a practitioner and had more insights to financial applications in the real world. LBS’ was taught by an academic so focused on the more organized, technical side of it. At times, they taught two different ways to solve the same problem, both of which arrived at the same answers anyway.

 

I found the classes in LBS more diverse than that of HKUST.

 

For example, in HKUST, we had 80% Asians, and around 20% white/brown in color. Though everyone does come from all over, many are still of Asian of heritage. So for example, someone who was born in China, lived in Toronto and came back to take his education at HKUST would be considered a Canadian.

 

In LBS, diveristy is really evident. There are tons more Africans, Europeans, Americans, Latinos and less of the Asians. Their backgrounds are also less finance-oriented and there are so many people working in industry and non-finance roles. One person I met worked in the Navy. Whoa.

 

Of course, that also meant that they’re louder. At HKUST, I was the one usually asking questions. At LBS, there are more than enough students who raise their hands for you.

 

But in a way, that’s great right? Because you really learn from your classmates.

 

Secondly, I do think that students at LBS take their academics more seriously. You can see this by the way they act (they’re always on meetings) and the way they dress. For example, at LBS, people do wear business casual on a DAILY basis. At HKUST, people dress more like college students. One classmate even wore pajama pants to class. As in what?

 

Overall, the LBS education was a pretty good complement to my MBA program. I am so so glad I picked LBS. If I didn’t go to HKUST because I wanted to focus more in Asia, that would’ve been my top pick. The classes are more organized — but it’s a good complement to my HKUST education, which focused more on practitioners’ experience. Disorganized yes, but if you really listen closely, there’s something really great to be learnt.

 

Additionally, I am so happy to say that I am loving London a lot more especially after I bought my one-month subway tickets (unlimited use for a month) for GBP 75. Whoa, so expensive right? But at least, I don’t have to worry about one way tickets which is around GBP 2 per way. Yes, that’s just ONE way tickets.

 

So last night, we went to the British Museum of Natural History, which was surprisingly open only for that day till 11am due to a special “Science Uncovered” event. We were so lucky.

 

 Really great buildings and even nicer exhibitions. What’s more, the tickets are free!

 

Then, we went to Chinatown where we had some nice Japanese fare.

 

Today,off to the Portobello market in Notting Hill. Then watch a show or something. Gotta shower and go!

 

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This may have been the smartest suggestion of the week: as we homesick pups are starting to miss our Asian fare, we’ve decided to head over to London’s Chinatown for some “authentic” (cough, cough) Chinese food.

Chinatown or Soho is a mere 5 minute walk from Picadilly Circus. From what Karen told me, it’s around 2 long streets that’s filled with delicious Asian fare. We shouted for glee when we spotted a Vietnamese restaurant. Ooooh, those spring rolls look delish!

Chinatown is right smack between two tube stations: Leichester and Picadilly Circus.

I was so glad to go to PC first because so many things to be seen. Right outside the tube, there’s a beautiful water fountain as above, and so many stalls selling discounted theatre tickets. Why, I even bought my own ticket to Jersey Boys this Tuesday for GBP 43 (instead of the usual GBP60+). Not bad lo…

It’s also crowded with people, which reminds me of sweet ol’ Hong Kong. I loved the fact that PC looked so much like New York’s Time Square!

Anyway, the trip was excited. Not only was it with good friends from HKUST, but we were happy to spot a large Asian grocery where we bought a — wait for it — large bottle of dark soy sauce!

For some reason, Tesco only sells teeny tiny bottles of soy sauce. That’s because the Brits don’t use soy sauce for cooking, but rather for garnishing. My landlady for example used it to garnish her chicken.

The horror: you should use Maggi Seasoning instead!!!

I was also happy to see rice also being sold but opted out because heck, I do NOT have a rice cooker. How can I cook rice without it? Any suggestions?

However, I did buy some instant noodles for emergencies (smart eh?), some bak choy (greens) and of course, Mang Thomas Lechon Sauce which is terrific for anything chicken.

Afterwards, we went and dined on Sichuan food which only cost us GBP 9 per pax — way beter than our pricier GBP 35 meal at Gordon Ramsey’s Maze.

Lastly, we stopped on M&M World in London which is three-storeys of delicious chocolate-y goodness! They even have a wall which you can pick different colored/flavored M&Ms of your choice. The color selections are mind-boggling — my fave were the deep shades of blue and purple! Eric liked the gray one. “I’ve never seen silver M&Ms” he said.

Good trip: this is what life is about, and for a moment, I forgot my troubles.

A big shoutout to my mom, whose birthday is today. I love you mommy!

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My best friend said that her new romance had crashed and burned. It was only a month or two since it began.

She is a senior resident at a hospital.

The guy is a junior resident with a complicated past. And baggage.

She had just broke up with a man early this year a week before their four year anniversary. The ex met someone new at the same hospital he worked in and posted that he was in a relationship with the other woman three months after he and my best friend broke up.

Ouch.

She cried and moaned. Grieved. But the junior resident caught her attention. He was funny and charming and had some baggage.

After crushing on him for a month, she found out he liked her too. And they kinda got together.

But now she tells me it’s like, over.

I asked why, and if it was her issue or his?

“It’s his issue,” she replied.

Aiya – that’s what happens guys! When men jump into a relationship without thinking about the consequences too much.

My best friend is kinda insecure and uptight. She is always very serious in a relationship. And yet, men would sometimes just jump headlong to a relationship with her not thinking about the future or if he’s really serious.

They just want ot be in the moment.

And of course, the woman thinks it’s serious — even though it’s not.

So a lot of heartbreaks going on. I’d bet it’s kinda awkward at the hospital nowadays.

I feel sorry for my friend. Not guilty for encouraging her. She’s in her late 20s, so she has to experience these things. Loving, then getting hurt.

“Feel free to jump… but with eyes wide open,” I both encouraged and warned her months ago. Personally, I don’t think people should hold back and regret love decisoins. They should just do it and see how it goes.

But my friend is inexperienced, so is hurt. Ah well, she has to grow up a little. This is good for her.

Then again, choose men that are responsible and serious.

But who can tell anyway?

Chock this one up to experience lo! Okay, gotta have lunch. Back from Paris. Take care lo!

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Dear dad, mom and Jr.,

 

London is about self-resilience. In Hong Kong or Taiwan, if you’re hungry, you can always go downstairs and grab something to eat.

 

But not in Hong Kong.

 

From my house at St. John’s Wood, I have t cover myself heavily in jackets and make the way to the Tesco Express that is around 10 minutes away — close if you think aboutit, but far if you’re carrying three bags of groceries.

 

You need groceries because it’s too expensive to eat out all the time. A regular meal outside would cost you at least GBP 5 (or HKD 60), and that’s a normal takeaway. The food is bland and not even good. So you buy food to cook.

 

You take around 15-30 minutes to prepare the food, 15 minutes to eat it and then another 20 minutes to wash it out. Ma Fan!

 

But that is life in London — if you don’t prepare, you don’t eat.

 

That’s why, I’ve been preparing really simple stuff like bagels with salami slices and cheese. Easier and not so much washing to do. There’s also the supposedly healthy salad which I prepare with corn (from can of course), tuna flakes and sun-dried tomatoes. I love sun-dried tomatoes – they really prepare a nice kick to a meal. I wish there were more in Hong Kong.

 

I can only do breakfast stuff though so my diet is kinda limited. Sigh. Hopefully, I can start cooking meats soon. If you know of any simple meat dishes to cook, send them over as am totally in need of meat. And of course rice, which can be found in super small bags at GBP 3++ a bag!

 

Geez, never realized just how Asian I was since I got to London. Now, all I can think of is rice. I wished I brought a rice cooker with me when I left. Now I know why young university students bring rice cookers with them when studying overseas.

 

In addition, it’s colder in London nowadays. At the moment, I am wearing a jacket and socks while typing this email.

 

And it’s only mid-September!

 

Imagine just how much colder it will be later on.

 

In conclusion, there are many things great about London. For example, my place is comfortable and I have enough to survive. However, compared to Asia, it’s more inconvenient and I miss our maids back home. You really have to appreciate how food comes fast back home.

 

Anyway, gotta go. School starts tomorrow . Take care and love you!

 

Your loving daughter and sis,

Bonita

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I’ve never realized just how good it is to live in Hong Kong!

Not to be a whiner (even though I am), but London is definitely:

• Chillier, and rainy-er than Hong Kong – it rained lightly at my arrival
• Less convenient transportation-wise: everything is walkable, but takes around 4x the time from Hong Kong! To the MTR, my house is 10 minutes away. From the tube to the LBS campus, it takes another 15-20 minutes — far for Hong Kong standards!
• More expensive: Gone are the days you can enjoy cheap sushi.
• Less food options: Only teeny-tiny bags of rice and bottles of soy sauce available in grocery. How can I cook?!
• Less convenient food-wise: It’s too expensive that you really have to cook your own breakfast and lunch. Say goodbye to days where you can just go downstairs and eat from hawker stalls

In short, it’s a time of taghirap (hardship). Boo hoo hoo!

Just for today for example, I had successfully cooked my own cinnamon and raisin bagel which I bought from the grocery yesterday, and topped generously with strawberry jam. Then, made my own coffee – not with a coffee machine but with a simpler glass set.

Then I took the tube to two stops to Regent’s Park — where I was informed that LBS is closer to Baker Street station than Regent’s Park.

So one more stop back allowed me to go to Baker Street.

I got the wrong directions, and then ended up at the wrong school — Regent’s College to be exact which is right in the middle of Regent’s Park. LBS is outside the Park, and is by Park Road.

So because of this boo-boo, I walked a big circle till I gott off the Park, and then back to the tube where I originally came from and tried to find Park Road… again.

That was another 20 minutes. Grumble grumble.

Then I finally arrived at LBS — ooooh joy!

So I got my ID card, and then proceeded to find the nearest HSBC branch, which btw, is right by the Baker Street tube!!!

So off I walk back again, 15 minutes this time because I know the way.

They asked me to go to another HSBC branch which does these things, so walk 5 more minutes.

Then the HSBC branch asked me to go back to LBS because I didn’t have one documentation they needed!

So, walk walk walk walk walk back again to LBS!!! Mind you, this is beyond the tube, and by Park Road. Back where I came from.

LBS staff was kind enough to let me know we can request for the documentation online (!) but it takes 2 working days. Damn.

Then, I wanted to walk back to St. John’s Wood, where I’m currently residing. My landlord told me it was a 20 minute walk. Easy, right?

Grumble grumble – it wasn’t 20 minutes. I took the wrong turn, had to walk back 600 yards… so it was 30 minutes plus plus.

Grumble grumble.

Dropped by Tesco for some minor groceries. Got lost again before finding my way back home.

Only 2pm and I’ve already done so much walking.

So in short, I think I’ll grow fat in London with all the potatoes, but hopefully, all my blissful (NOT!) walking could reverse it.

Aaargh, going nuts. Thinking of going out again but don’t have the money to spend. Maybe I can recuperate back home with some tea and just relax. Enough adventures for the day!

 

 

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My Emirates flight is delayed to 1:20 am (original time: 12:35 am) and I am here at the HKIA typing in front of a super crappy outdated internet kiosk.

At least it’s free.

However, this all signals the end of my Hong Kong run for now.

After 1.5 years of working, 1 year of studying, 3 months of glorious internship, I am now heading to the school I could’ve gone with if I chose not to focus my MBA in Asia. Oh LBS… how could I have not applied to you?

Then again, it was a conscious decision.

By choosing HKUST, I was choosing a life in Asia instaed of being more mobile. Some people call it stuck and limiting my options. My mom would say it’s putting my personal life first. She is dead scared that the obstinate me would not get married, and no one was as relieved as she was when I told her I was in HKUST to be with Trader.

Trader was of course, very much relieved. Hong Kong was a mere 3.5 hours away from Singapore… far enough and yet close enough to make a weekend trip. London would’ve killed him, and maybe even our relationship.

I also shut my doors in terms of the types of jobs I can accept. Oh well, maybe I could’ve done something more but hell, maybe I wouldn’t be as happy in the first place.

Regardless, I am heading off to London for a dry run in the next 3 hours. Whoppee-doo!

Okay,. gotta log off. Talk soon!

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What are your purposes for MBA?

Is it to change careers? Then yes, an MBA opens doors to multiple industries for you.

Is it to increase your network? Then yes, you will meet friends for life. Alumni — if you are well respected by your school and your batch — will be there to help you.

Is it to gain a wonderful experience? Then yes, you will enjoy/suffer a really intense learning/life experience. I’ve had so many ups and downs in MBA that I couldn’t count.

If it’s to learn some added knowledge, then yes, going to school enables you to always keep on learning something you’ve never learnt before. Not all classes are great and some professors do suck, but overall you will have some takeaways.

However, if you are there to…

Get a boyfriend/girlfriend, be careful. There were quite a few people sleeping around and making out in LKF, but some got burned really fast. The MBA encourages an environment of hooking up quickly with your classmates who seem to be super impressive at first sight. However, maintaining a lasting relationship especially after you move away for exchange and your own careers can truly be taxing.

Go for the same industry, think again why you’re doing an MBA. It’s not for everyone. Coming from the finance industry and wanting to continue in finance, an MBA was unnecessary for me. If you want to transfer elsewhere in finance, you don’t need an MBA to do that. You’re just going to waste 16-24 months studying something in the hopes of being transferred to another role,when you could’ve done it WITHOUT an MBA.

To have easy access to all alumni, then not really. You increase your network sure but nobody would give you a job merely because you asked for it. They recommend you because you deserve it. You do great in school and your reputation precedes you. I myself will never recommend someone just because they’re from the same school. I know my school had some sucky people too. Why put my head on the line for someone I don’t know.

To get a secret sauce of the world, eeeh. I learnt a lot on MBA but on hindsight, I didn’t need to quit my job to get this knowledge. I could’ve done it part time and I would’ve gained the same knowledge. Sure, going to an MBA fulltime helped me focus more on my studies, but I don’t know if from a learning perspective, the professors taught less to parttimes. Not at all.

Hope this helps!

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Sorry for the disappearance. I’ve been pretty busy with my internship and all.

Over the last two weekends, I’ve spent most of the Saturday afternoons and evenings sleeping. Honest? My body has just been drained waking up at 5:45 am on a daily basis, working till 8:30pm or so, and then asleep by 12:30am that it can’t help but complain come the weekend.

Thank god for weekends. I love ‘em now.

However, I am very much blessed with such wonderful internship experience. How can 10 weeks fly so slowly and so fast? It seems that I’ve been there in my firm for months, having seen the many changes in the desk (we just hired 4-5 very seasoned salespeople), and the turmoil that’s been going on in the financial markets (e.g., Will the US default? Oh no, it might default. Wait, no it didn’t. Suckers. Aaargh, the sky is falling again. What the hell?).

I think everyone who has the chance to should get an internship. It’s a tremendous opportunity that gives you exposure to the Business you wish to be in, as well as to learn the most important lesson: That after 16 months of MBA, you know NOTHING and there’s no substitute to real-life market experience.

What makes me very lucky is that I know this. And very much humbled by this fact.

Despite having already worked for 6.5 years, I know jack shit about the financial markets. You cannot imagine just how many very experienced people is in my desk right now. You cannot help but just be in awe watching them work. Wow.

So that’s the reason why I’ve kinda disappeared. My body just can’t take doing anything else but eat, sleep and work. Hahaha!

That said, I’ve been enjoying my time with a few chosen classmates. That’s another benefit of an MBA: they say you get the alumni network but nothing is more precious than hanging out with your classmates as they themselves go through a different yet similar internship experience elsewhere.

That bond is truly once-in-a-lifetime.

I’ve gone increasingly close to many of them. I’ve realized that despite our many ups and downs, there has been a growing respect between each other. We know each other’s good and bad and accept each other just the same.

I am also glad to be away from the mess of being in a smaller class of 115 students. Admittedly, MBA was a bit like highschool. Some slept around, a few cheated on their significant others, and others tried to backstab you. Aiya, aren’t we adults now? Why make life so complicated.

And yet, we survived.

Wohoo!!!!

Though I now think that an MBA is not necessary – I once thought it was an “I must have it experience” - I do treasure the entire experience. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?

Also, Trader and I are doing so well. Did I just tell you? He earned his CFA!!!! Haha, so proud of him.

Okay, gotta go and sleep now. Take care you all and I love you so so much!

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Think again.

We’re not.

In fact, we’re pretty ordinary people.

Like everyone else, we eat, sleep, go to the bathroom. We do everything that everyone does. In fact, if you ask us to stand in a line, it would be difficult to see who has an MBA and who has not.

It’s like going through four years of undergrad.

Is there anything special about finishing your undergraduate degree if 80% of the population has done that anyway? No, right? An MBA at the moment has become more of a commodity. More and more people have it.

My first week of internship pounded this point. An MBA meant nothing especially in capital markets.

It doesn’t mean that if you have an MBA, you know almost immediately how the market works. You know immediately how to make money. You know all the clients in the bank.

In fact, an MBA did not prepare me for my first day back to work. It wasn’t very helpful except to set higher expectations, setting me up from a higher fall.

All it did was make me humbly realize that I, even after a year of going through an MBA, knew nothing.

It reminds me of a saying back in military school (yes, I did go to military training):

THE FOUR TYPES OF MEN

He who knows not and knows not that he knows not — he’s a fool. Shun him.
He who knows not and knows that he knows not — he’s a child. Teach him.
He who knows and knows not that he knows not — he is asleep. Wake him.
He who knows and knows that he knows — he’s wise. Follow him.

I would be the first to admit that I’m the second kind of man — the child — who still needs to be taught.

I don’ t think an MBA is any special. It took me a few months to know this, but I do realize it now.

However, I did learn a few things because of my upcoming MBA, which I will share with you at the moment.

I learned that other people are not like me.

Having worked in the finance industry, I thought people were ultra efficient, competitive and aggressive. You would think that way because people who get an MBA are doing an extra step to improve themselves further.

It’s not all true.

In fact, it really depends on the background. People in consultancy are slightly wordier because they are more process driven and have to explain things to clients. People in marketing are more consensus driven and meet so many times to make a decision. People in operations are more organized and logical.

And you know what, it’s okay.

Even if one seems to be more scatter-brained because they’re in a less organized industry, you realize that this has nothing to do with their competence. They can surprise you and can give out amazing output. It’s just that their way was not your way, and that is okay.

You realize that not everyone has the same priorities.

I came to the program in search for knowledge.

Others came in search for a career shift.

Some others came to find a life partner.

I think I’m the least flexible amongst us, but I do have a friend who told me once that she is more accepting of the strengths and weaknesses of her groupmates. She looks at what they can or cannot do, and assign work accordingly.

This is more admirable than the stubborn me who holds people to a higher standard, and come out disappointed because of this mindset.

I also realized that the world is so big.

I think an MBA is smart not because they are more intelligent.

They are smart because they realize that they know nothing. That the world is big. And there are other more talented people who are better than they are.

It’s truly a humbling rite of passage you see.

After you go through the many different lectures, work with a lot more people, you realize that no matter how many years you’ve worked, how many achievements you have, there are way others who know a lot more about you.

And it’s only by accepting that you know nothing that you can really start to push yourself to understand something. You empty your mind and let the information flow, and you learn more.

So no, I don’t think all MBAs are smart.

I don’t think that MBAs are any special.

I do think however that MBAs realize their limitations and respect the fact that they’re not that smart. That they don’t know it all.

And it’s only when you have this realization that you start learning.

And then one day… maybe… you can actually become smart.

But then again, did you really have to pay a sh*tload of money and go through the whole experience full time to learn all that? Well, that really is up to you.

Have a great weekend everyone!

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As I finish my first half of my summer internship, someone asked me whether I think that my MBA was worth it.

“Don’t you think that it really opened doors for you?” she asked.

Honestly, I don’t think so.

As I was a non-career changer — as I was already at an industry that I loved being in a department that I liked — there was really marginal benefit in doing an MBA. For the role I wanted, my boss has asked me to wait until things settled down before really quitting. He would have been open to giving me the role I wanted, if I waited for awhile.

But at that time, I knew that if I didn’t leap at the chance, I wouldn’t really get an MBA anymore. And I’d be left with the gnawing “What if?” feeling for the rest of my life.

But to be honest, Trader was unsupportive. “You’re already in finance – why do you need an MBA?!”

My mom was unsupportive. “Bonita, to what use is an MBA if you want to have a family anyway? An MBA to tutor the children?”

My dad just didn’t care.

Economically, I was paying a sum of money for something that I already have anyway. Take for example, I could’ve done a lateral jump versus starting from the bottom as an intern today.

But I was pretty stubborn.

I insisted I needed it. It was part of my bucket list.

“No,” my mom corrected. “You want it. It’s your luxury.”

But I held my ground. I had enough savings to fully support myself for the next 16-years. So against everyone’s opinion, I did it.

Now as I’m almost done, I do ask myself, “Was it worth it?”

Honestly, it was good to get an MBA to calm that troubling feeling in my heart. It calmed down the “What if?” questions. It gave me a better and wider appreciation of the world.

But was it worth leaving 16 months from the workforce?

No, it wasn’t.

Not really.

I would have preferred to work and actually be surrounded by a group of colleagues who were cream of the crop. They were, in a word, competent. In MBA, people act as if they’re going through their second high school and many of them do not treat their studies as seriously. Frustrating especially if you’re fortunate enough to be grouped with one of these freeloaders.

For networks, they were great — but it’s not as if building up your network at work was impossible. You could have easily done that in and out of your office. Hong Kong is just diverse, instead of staying inside the dorm studying most of the time.

I think I could have learned more from real life experience. My finance professor said that debt was good because it gave you more tax breaks. Any owner who seriously owns the business is scared of heavy debt. In case you cannot service them, then you lose everything. That’s why people say, there is still that diference between academics and real-life practitioners.

My colleagues were the best professors. Teachers taught concepts. Colleagues actually know whether they’re applicable or not. Because they’re actually taking part of the action.

The academics were fulfilling – I really liked learning. Information was my high.

Regardless, maybe what my colleague said was true — I could’ve done it part time.

So do I regret my MBA?

Funnily enough, no. I was so stubborn that I would’ve insisted and pouted if I didn’t get my way for an MBA.

But is it for everyone?

Not really.

Think carefully before you pursue such a huge commitment. Sometimes, all you need is a break. But it doesn’t make sense to quit working altogether.

Good luck with your decisions!

And sorry for being so quiet – sleeping early and waking up early does not bode well to a sunny disposition.

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Last night, Trader and I had a big fight.

As I’ve already started my internship at an investment bank, I was merely having around 5.5 hours of sleep a night on weekdays. As a derivatives trader, he also needs his pleasant rest on weekdays. As a result, even though we would still have our virtual dates on weekdays, we were really too tired for each other.

Oftentimes, he would have to do his chores and sign off earlier, while I would be in bed half asleep. Totally unromantic if am being honest.

However, the problem came about because of this weekend. Because we were too tired for each other, he promised that we would spend the weekend together.

On Friday, I call him up at 7pm and this is what he said: “Baby, am having dinner with Jeff tonight. But it’s going to be very early and I’ll see you back home.”

Jeff was his best friend in Singapore.

Then he tells me he has dinner plans on Saturday with his friends, and he plans to visit a friend’s home on Sunday evening.

And I was like, “WTF?”

In the end, he did end up going back home earlier and wait for me. I on the other hand went out for drinks till 1am with my friends. In between, we had a few heated conversations between each other.

“Why am I not prioritized?” I shouted. “I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND. I should be placed first over your friends!”

“But I treat you very well baby. I spend my weekdays with you,” he replied back.

“But on the weekdays, we are the subpar of each other,” I retorted. “We’re too tired that we cannot even be decent company! Why does your friends get your prime weekend space while I get leftovers?!”

And so on and so forth. We talked till 3am yesterday, and had a quick 30-minute chat in the morning. It was freaking exhausting.

His issue: What was I complaining about? He has always been very patient with me, treated me very well, and tried to spend all his free time with me. Given that he is leaving Singapore soon, can’t I give him a break and let him spend time with his friends?

My issue: Yes, he is spending too much time with his friends. Friends are dispensable. Ideally, the girlfriend is placed above all else.

Sounds egotistical of me but he is my boyfriend, not yours.

Anyway, when we had both calmed down in the morning, the issue all bound to this:

“There is really no comparison to the significant other, over and above anybody else except the immediate family. This goes for both man and woman. If your partner feels uncomfortable with what you are doing, if you really respect him/her, you may have to prioritize his/her feelings — and not just in time allocation. “

For example, my boyfriend is uncomfortable that I still am in touch with my ex-boyfriend.

If he did say that he feels uncomfortable, then if I really love and respect him, even though my ex is a very respected business man who is good to still be in contact with, I should respect my boyfriend’s feelings and stop seeing the ex.

Likewise, if the boyfriend still keeps in touch with people I do not feel uncomfortable he hangs out with, he shouldn’t be insisting that he is unattracted to them, they’re just friends, etc. Sometimes, there is no rational reason why a woman becomes insecure except for the fact that he is choosing so-and-so by defending her, even though he has no feelings for her.

So guys, if you really love your girlfriend, please don’t defend your girl-friends over her. If she’s uncomfortable, just stop seeing them. If your girlfriend realizes that she is the priority, and her feelings are heeded above all others, she will actually feel secure and let you see whomever you want.

Anyway, crisis abated and we are still licking our wounds.

Dunno if you agree but trust me on this, we are not jealous of your girl-dash-friend. We are jealous of the attention you showever over her and the fact you are defending her.

This has not been a very good start for the weekend.

Regardless, I had an amazing Saturday today. Tell you about it if I have the time.

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Last night, I plopped to bed and dozed off to sleep for almost 9 hours straight. It’s been one of the longest sleeping times that I’ve had in the last two weeks since starting my MBA.

Some internship thoughts: My firm is really good – people are nice and they have a decent internship program that provided us with around half a day of induction seminars, half a day of Bloomberg training and Reuters, and then two full days of a primer to banking. Since we were only there for 10 weeks, am pleasantly surprised that they’ve taken the trouble to allow us to do so.

The only issue is the humbling thought that no matter how well you did before, unless you did sales and trading in your previous job, you will be a TOTAL IDIOT at your internship.

In other words, your MBA doesn’t matter.

Like what my line manager told me this week: “Do you know why nobody in the trading floor has an MBA? It’s because we’re too busy making money.”

Touche.

Then another line manager told me, “No offense but you have to learn how to trade first. You know nothing about sales trading.” This is what happened after he showed me a Bloomberg screen and kept asking me questions. Honestly I have never seen that screen in my life and had zero clue on what goes where.

That made me want to cry.

I asked Trader how to learn about trading – he is an equities derivatives and exotics trader after all.

His honest answer was that there are no convenient classes for trading. It’s not like doing an MBA for tasks in research or IBD when you’re doing valuation. Instead, people would just throw you in the deep water and hope to god you can swim.

His exact words: “Trading can be taught but no one will teach you really. Best to go join a trading desk and observe how they do things. A lot of trading is self-learnt.”

Shit. Very helpful. I want to die now.

So we shall see how we go – things doesn’t seem rosy and am starting to get hand and feet allergies. That’s what happens when I get really really pressured. It happened to me before when I first arrived in Hong Kong as well. Really bad allergies.

Anyway, do my best la.

That’s what I can do really. Really really wish me luck and hope all is well!

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Dear dad and mom,

The first week of internship is over.

There are still 9 more weeks to go till the end, and I had been assigned to trading, which is a field that is super duper unfamiliar to me. The post highlights looking at stock price trends and nothing about the stock fundamentals and business model.

The only thing I can say is that I seem like a fish out of water, and it seems that my MBA hadn’t really taught me anything relevant to begin with.

I felt like a total loser because I couldn’t really know whether the Japanese yen is going up or down just by looking at charts or whether oil would go up on Monday.

Then again, I am reminded that that’s what an internship is all about — it’s about showing up, realizing that there are still much to learn about, and trying to absorb as much as you can.

It’s not coming in and being a hero — but rather, it’s coming in and realizing that you know nothing. And to relearn everything there is in a practical sense.

These days, I sleep by 11pm and wake up by 6am. So is my life. I get to work by 7am, be at the morning meeting till 8am and try to do my best till work ends at around 6:30pm (though the market closes by 4:30pm).

Overall, it’s way different from my MBA life where I could go to bed at 4am and still be awake in time for class. Now, it’s all about discipline and I realize that I am ill prepared for it.

Regardless, I am not going to give up. I will try to survive as best as I can and read and learn more if possible. Right now am reading up a few “for dummies” book letting you know my state of mind and how humbled I am with the total internship experience.

Anyway, just wanted to leave you guys a short note saying hi and that I am still surviving. Hope all is well. Take care and love you!

Your loving daughter,
Bonita

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Trader and I have hit quite a rough patch lately. That’s what happens when all your friends are getting married and having babies and your boyfriend have yet to get all his ducks in a row.

Actually, our issue stems from the fact that we haven’t really made each other a priority these days. He has been finalizing his life in Singapore while I’m trying to occupy my time with my internship, sleep and going out.

Lesson to everyone: You really must constantly invest time in your relationship, otherwise, it would truly go down the drain.

Regardless, Trader was here for the weekend, much to my delight.

He came here Friday midnight and we were together ever since. We’ve been sharing a lot of lovely Japanese sushi, Crumbs Yoghurt, Western fusion, Dimsum Breakfast, Vietnamese and Cantonese roast pork, and even watched Green Lantern, which was surprisingly not as bad as people said it was.

This man really rocks my world in so many ways. Even though we do fight from time to time, I am always very happy that we are together. He really tries his best to make it work even though am one of the scariest women in the planet.

“You’re giving me so much pressure,” he said. “I wish you were three years younger.”

“Man up,” I simply said.

Oooooh well, as a lesson to everyone, you cannot really change men. You can only change the way you react to them so if your boyfriend misbehaves, walk.

And Trader has chased after me so many times.

“If you try to break up with me one more time,” he said…

“Then what?” I challenged.

He gave a sigh of relief. “You’re lucky I don’t take you seriously.”

We have a love-hate relationship, what can I say?

I miss him though. A lot.

Week’s here. Take care everyone!

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My friend is mourning…

Her ex broke up with her three months ago, citing “I just don’t see you in my future.”

Afterwards, she proceeded to de-friend him from Facebook and he proceeded to de-friend all her mutual acquaintances from his.

This week, she found out through another friend that he’s dating someone else. Bought a new car after not having one for four years that they were together so much that she had to take him home, and is dating a nurse in his hospital (he is a doctor).

Instead of feeling that he’s a complete ass, she is shattered and is just feeling sad all the time.

I forgot the times when I broke up with someone. I remember with Ex #3, I went back home, cried as loud as I could (as in seems as if I was in agony) and then was happy again in two days.

With Ex#2, it took me a whole half a year to breakup with him. But then again, that was because we were kinda seeing each other on the side even though we were unofficial.

Took us a lot of painful evenings before we decided to mutually ignore each other.

So help — how did you deal with your breakup?

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Trader is in Bali with his friends, many of whom would be new.

I am honestly unsure on how to handle it. Trader has never really been on a vacation with his friends — many of whom are new — without me since we were together. Usually, I’m there or he’s with his decades-old friends.

There is one rule that I abide on, agree or not.

For boyfriends or husbands, there are women who are before us (BU) and there are those who are after us (AU).

Girls that my boyfriend knew before us are more than OKAY. If anything could’ve happened, they would have happened already.

Girls that my boyfriend meets AU are not okay. I honestly just don’t feel that comfortable about it (and before you tear me down, let’s be honest here. I don’t think am that alone with this sentiment).

There is really a sense of excitement whenever you meet somebody new. You find them attractive and your heart flutters a bit. Your girlfriend is kinda a bitch so you kinda think of making an upgrade.

Knowing Trader, he will find other new women attractive, may even flirt with them but will highly likely NOT do anything with them.

But ooooh, I hate having my boyfriend flirting with other women. I know it’s all innocent, but am still stewing inside.

Then again, it is a double standard.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am officially a man.

It’s okay if I flirt and giggle with men AU, but NOT okay if Trader does it.

Unfair, I know. But hey, can you really blame me for being a tad selfish?

Hahaha, but seriously, I wonder if Trader is serious about us knowing that he’s going to Bali this week, and Guilin with the same group of friends the weekend after next. WTF right?

Last time he had this many vacations, he actually spent it with me in Hong Kong, or we took a trip together.

Oh well, it’s all downhill from here.

Have a great weekend everyone! Que sera sera!

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Today, Trader met my parents for the second time.

The last time left a bad taste in both sides’ mouth. Trader was darn scared of my dad and felt that my father was a tad unappreciative and selfish (which btw, I am in full agreement of), and my dad felt that Trader was cheap (which I was in half agreement of).

This time, Trader went all out and treated the parents to a nice dinner at CUT, one of the celebrity restaurants at the Marina Bay Sands.

We ordered the delicious 990 grams Porterhouse Steak (SGD160) and the Ribeye (SGD100). We also had the foie gras with date puree which was yummy.

What was extraordinary is how Trader doesn’t really like my dad that much at this point (and who can blame him, my dad can be very difficult at times) and yet, he spent quite a pretty penny on my family, walked around with us around the Marina Bay mall even though it’s past his bedtime, and tried to play his part trying to impress my parents.

Not only that, he also bought my dad walking shoes and bought him some cookies.

I guess that’s what love really is.

It’s not being there for the other when things are going well.

Instead, it’s by truly being there even if you don’t really like to. Because you love her. And if it meant trying to be pleasant, then so be it.

I know my dad is giving Trader a hard time but really hope he doesn’t scare him away.

Then again, if a man really loves you, he will be stubborn enough not to let someone as gruff as your dad scare him away.

I love you Trader.

Thank you once again.

Mwah mwah!

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My parents are with me. So busy and so full.

Just had chili crab with friends. Yummy. Also went to the Skydeck twice today without paying. Yoohoo!

More to come when I have the time.

Love you all!

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My classmate and I decided to watch the first ever 3D porn movie Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstacy just because I have never seen a 3D porn movie on live cinema.

According to Wikipedia, after the movie opened a month ago in April, the movie took in US $351,000 (HK $2,790,000) in Hong Kong on the first day alone, beating Titanic and Avatar‘s HK$2.5 million opening gross in Hong Kong in 2009. It has earned HK$13,104,982 in the first 4 days after opening. As of May 4, 3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy has earned more than HK$33 million (over US$ 4M) in Hong Kong.

Now do you blame us for wanting to see it?

 

Anyway, we meet in Mongkok at 9:30pm to watch the movie in Broadway Cinema for 10:00pm.

When we got there, the lady in the counter grumpily said, “Sorry but one seat left?”

My classmate and I looked at her in disbelief. Entire theatre — full but one seat? Which idiot (not counting us) would be watching the 3D porn movie after it’s no longer widely distributed for weeks?!

“Sorry, no more I can do,” the lady said.

“Which other movies are available?” we asked.

Turns out, Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides was still available – and not full – so we got that instead:

“Sorry, no student discount,” the woman said. “And you pay extra HKD6 for 3D glasses.”

Whaaat? Not only was 3D porn full, but 3D Disney required full fare and no free 3D to rent?!

We grumbled but paid.

As we fell in line, we were like, “Since we already paid for the stupid glasses, why have it go to waste?”

So we also bought 3D Sex and Zen tickets for 12:30pm.

That’s Disney at 9:55pm, and Sex and Zen at 12:30pm.

We finished at 2:30pm.

Niiiiiiceeee…

Anyway, as a brief review, I’ve heard so many bad things on both movies that my expectations were set quite low. Surprisingly, they were better than I’ve expected.

Pirates had a decent enough story as long as your eyes can adjust well to the low lighting (I mean, why are most of the scenes set in the evening), and 3D porn was more of a love story with its dose of hilarity.

In one scene, the guy gets a penis upgrade because he had a micro-penis. He wanted to get one from a horse because of the saying, “Hung like a horse,” but upon severing the donor’s, the horse cock got squished and flattened.

Consequently, he ended up with another set, but it’s still funny just the same.

If you can look at these things at an objective manner, the show was actually quite enjoyable. But if you’re a bit uptight, you might think it’s crap.

Personally, I liked both, and glad to have such a movie overdose during finals week.

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A friend of mine messaged me for a talk. For some reason, friends would call me for no-bullshit advice on love and relationships.

As it turns out, my friend who is a he, was in serious like over a great-looking woman who “gets” him. This meant that she like him, also shared a similar cultural upbringing. “She kinda spent many years abroad,” he explained. “She’s definitely not local.”

He then told me that three years ago, they went on a date and she invited him up her apartment. However, given many reasons, they really didn’t do anything and after that instance, even though he tried to keep in touch, he found her offline most of the time and unreachable for dates. That is, until they met each other at a common friend’s party recently.

“She was still as beautiful as I remembered,” he cooed. “And she said that she didn’t really keep in touch with friends in the past.”

She was also hot and cold. Even though my friend was still interested, she didn’t really make any effort to get to know him better. She broke dates and was not very nice to him.

And yet, he was still interested.

**Bonita slaps her head and tells herself: “Aaargh, men are stupid!”**

So he tried one last time. His dad gave him free tickets to the Fish Leong concert and of course, he invited her. Surprisingly, she said yes. Turns out, she was a big Fish Leong fan.

After the concert however, he invited her for dinner and she said that she had to work overtime and to call her after two weeks for dinner since she’ll be very busy.

So that’s why he gave me a call: to find out what he needs to do.

One friend said, “Just tell her how you feel man. Nothing to lose!”

Another friend said, “Well, you can still call her if you believe in second chances.”

My take: “Cut your losses and get rid of this bitch.”

Of course, I used nicer, more politically language but that was the essence of the message.

His rebuttal: “But she is nice. In the last three years I’ve been in Taipei, I haven’t really found anyone who gets me. Who shares the same background as I do.”

My point is, “It doesn’t really matter if you are perfect for each other. It doesn’t really matter if she gets you. It doesn’t really matter if you’re 100% compatible. If a person treats you like shit and doesn’t respect you, you shouldn’t be dating this person.”

Why?

Because it’s a lose-lose situation.

If you continued pursuing this girl and have to bribe her with very nice dinners, gifts, concert tickets, and etc. and still not get her, you’ve managed to waste a lot of money, time and effort that could’ve been spent in someone a lot more worthwhile and nicer.

If you DID get this girl somewhat, as you’ve seen the meanest of her, it’s really not a good future to look at. Imagine if your girlfriend was a bitch, broke dates and is unappreciative with whatever you’ve done. It’s just not a very fun dynamics for a partner.

There are so much many fishes in the sea. If you’re not getting the partner you want, maybe change your strategy, but for goodness sakes, do NOT settle with someone who cannot even treat you with some decency.

“It’s a very high opportunity cost,” I said. “We’re nice people, so we don’t easily switch partners as we want to. Imagine you’re with this girl who doesn’t treat you nicely but because you’re nice, you can’t really dump her. Then you find someone who is really wonderful. You might have to forgo someone wonderful just because you’re already dating this woman.”

I personally think the opportunity cost of being with someone is high.

It’s not just about finding a filler for your heart, but the human tendency is, if you are already with someone, it’s kinda hard to really consider anyone else. You cannot really date or flirt without much guilt. Sigh, tell me about it especially so many eligible men out and about and I cannot really do anything about it.

“If you are to be with someone,” I continued. “Don’t you want it someone who you actually really like to be with and is a decent person?”

Long story short, my stance is clear: AT THE VERY MINIMUM, DATE SOMEONE WHO TREATS YOU DECENTLY.

Regardless on whether he is rich, or sophisticated, or someone you really admire, if this person treats you like shit, he of course fails the bare minimum on what a boyfriend needs to be.

If you really value yourself, find someone who cares about you truly. The rest can take care of themselves.

Agree or disagree?

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Over the last two days, I’ve been sleeping at 5am (the time when the sun starts to shine) after partying all the way out in LKF.

Hahaha, after 9 months or so of being a prisoner in my own room, churning out work, I’ve decided to utilize the last few days of the semester to just enjoy myself a bit.

It’s quite fun too and I do have a good excuse — people are leaving and the exchanges whom I’ve made a few friends with are going home.

As a less sentimental person, I don’t really feel that this is goodbye. But then again, since they’ve been partying the entire semester, they of course knew where were the happening clubs were.

Really loved the music at Tonic though I think their drinks were watered out. Xing drank two glasses of Long Island Iced Tea there and only got plastered after having one at Zinc. Totally different level.

Their French draft beer is pretty cheap at HKD62 though. Me likey.

Anyway, off to the beach now people. The weather seems okay and there’s a BBQ there. Should be fun.

Then a local Hong Kong dinner tonight. Woot woot!

Hope all is well.

Aaargh, still so much to do later – pack, study, do a couple of powerpoints.

Then again, later later!

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They can figure things out without you saying too much.

Unbelieveable.

Trader is unhappy with the past couple days when I haven’t really been home early.

What can I say?

My class ends at 10:30pm, and the transportation time takes well, time…

My mind is also elsewhere nowadays. It’s tough when I think of many little things. I cannot really sleep.

He says I’m acting a bit distant. But really? Am I?

The last time I saw him was beginning of this month in May. Maybe it’s Trader withdrawal symptoms.

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I’ve always believed that talking has helped me deal with my problems. It’s actually if I don’t talk about my issues that they are left to fester and grow.

We don’t want that of course. So let me tell you the story on how I met my third ex-boyfriend.

My ex-boyfriend and I used to talk regularly. We started off normally, him calling me for some help that he needed with a client. I answered cheerfully, just like in any other phone call.

He found me to be very interesting. Witty with some comebacks and very different from the dull voices he was used to when talking to people in the other line.

I felt nothing of the experience — many of the people I talk to on the phone are interesting, and this was my full-time job: chatting with people on the phone, bringing them out and hoping that they bring my firm business.

We talked about a conference I was organizing.

He was going to be there, he said. I laughed and said we should meet.

And he said, “Yes, I will take you out for dinner for all the help you’ve given me and my clients.”

I laughed again. It’s not as if this was uncommon. Guys would say they would take you out and they never really do. I don’t feel slighted. It’s just the name of the dating game, and I was used to it. It was never anything personal.

“Sure, if you can remember!” I chided before I took another call.

I didn’t think he’d ever do it.

At the conference, while eight other women are busy working in a hotel room, each with their own PCs and busy with our own stuff, in he strides confidently in that afternoon.

“Which one of you are Bonita?” he said across the room.

I raised my hand without really looking up. “I am,” I said.

“Good,” he replied as I glanced to what he looked like. “Are you free for dinner with me tonight?”

“Yeah yeah, sure,” I said without thinking it.

“Okay, I’ll see you then,” he confirmed before walking out.

I continued my work for a few minutes before it hit me — eh? Wait, what did I just get myself into? What did I just do? And most importantly, what the hell does he look like?

In my busyness, I didn’t really see what he looked like. He just asked and walked out.

I didn’t know how to contact or email him. I honestly didn’t have his mobile phone.

Sheesh.

Later that evening however, he sent me an email which I thankfully received. I almost missed him at the Conrad Hotel lobby because I freaking didn’t even know what he looked like, but thankfully met him.

Later on, I asked him, “How did you even know I was even decent looking?”

“I know Bonita,” he answered. “You had to be.”

It was just this confidence that I’ve always found to be attractive about him. He was like a bull, charging into what he wanted without really thinking about it with only one goal in mind. It was kinda nice to get the attention at that time. You don’t often really meet guys who knew what they wanted.

We of course didn’t work out.

The reason why we broke up was really silly, but we were never really meant to be. It wouldn’t had worked out in the long run. In the end, I chose to be with someone whom I knew would take good care of me in the long-run and I could go out without any shame or judgment.

However, I still do think of those moments with some fondness. Those were nice moments while they lasted.

And it’s with this thought that I end my blogpost.

I don’t ever regret anything in life.

Even in my failures, they’ve really been fun. When I got myself into these types of messes, I relished it. At least, I tried.

When my ex changed his flight for me after our date, even though he didn’t know whether I would say yes or no to the second date.

When he flew into Taipei to see me.

When we saw each other again in Singapore, and I made the choice to choose Trader over him.

Ah, those were the good times.

At times, I tell Trader, “Why can you not be more aggressive?”

I remember my ex.

And yet… I still am lucky.

Regardless, I’ve upgraded. I’m with a man who really really loves me for me, and seems to be happy to be with me. How can I ever make the wrong decision?

There, I’ve shared a personal story.

Nighty night!

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In a few weeks, the last classes for the Spring semester ends, heralding the end of all of 115 of us HKUST MBAs would be in Hong Kong together. Afterwards, come June, we start our internships with only a few choosing to finish the last remaining courses under the 12-month program so they can start looking for work from September 2011.

Many are sad to see everyone leave. Parties abound with the main theme that this may be our last moments together as a batch. It’s very sentimental these days.

We started with 115 people, but a few others chose to leave.

One realized she was pregnant after she accepted her offer to start her MBA and has born a baby in Macau. They are now going back to China and maybe she’ll finish her MBA in a later date.

Another realized that an MBA in Hong Kong wasn’t worth it, went back to the US and had continued his law practice.

Another left after finishing the first half of Spring because of family business issues. So sad, we even went to Vietnam together.

I think the way I see it is: “It’s been fun, and I’ve made friends. Oooh, can’t wait for the next chapter in my life.”

If I could’ve done it over, I wonder, would I have still chosen HKUST?

Again, the answer stays the same: for doing an MBA in Asia, I think HKUST is one of the, or even the best choice around. The other better choice is INSEAD which is internationally recognized and ranked, but it’s just not my cup of tea unfortunately.

Their 1-year program may be attractive for some but not for me. I don’t think you really maximize your MBA experience that way. 10 months is really too short and you would forget everything afterwards. As for networking, we did a networking session with them before and we were all amazed when INSEAD students didn’t even know each other! They were reintroducing them to each other — wow.

That wouldn’t happen in HKUST. We all knew each other all too well given our small size. Hahaha, sometimes, this is even too much information as gossips do abound in the SKCC walls.

However, I wonder if an MBA in the US would’ve been a better fit.

Brand does matter and unfortunately, the HKUST brand is still not as universally recognized even though it is one of the best programs in Asia (or the world if you believe the Financial Times #6 rankings in 2010). It does put a hinder when it comes to transferring geographies and job roles.

You just don’t easily get interviews from the likes of Deutsche Banks who only hire from the Ivy Leagues, and a few other investment banks whom I will not name. It just doesn’t have that brand equity of an MBA in Harvard, Wharton, Stanford and the likes.

My heart sometimes wonder, whether I should’ve at least given the US a go… seriously, if you’re going to quit your plush job, do your MBA in the best school possible. It’s all about perception, and yes, the education should be about the same, but you kinda know it’s still different.

I don’t like to be defensive but I think my personality is a tad more aggressive than in a more local Asian school which emphasizes collaboration and a reversion to the mean. Here, people help each other and a lot are slackers who are here just to have drinks in LKF and do minimum work. They’re here to get in Asia, not for a decent MBA education and their work does show this is the case.

Maybe in the US shcool, this wouldn’t happen?

Anyway, we all know the reason why I stuck with Asia.

Trader, Trader, Trader… aiya…

He wanted me to stay closer to him in Singapore and at that time when I was applying for my MBA, we have just begun our relationship. Oh how far we’ve come since then when I first started applying.

Aiya, why do women always have to sacrifice so much eh?

Oh well, no use regretting. Moving on and moving forward…

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Me: “My mom has been asking me questions again.”

Trader: “What does she want to know?”

Me: “She wants to know when I will get married.”

Trader: “Oh gosh. Hahahaha actually my parents haven’t been mentioning you anymore.” (Quicknote: Trader’s parents used to vocally HATE me. I was THAT woman. Now, they’ve stopped and begun being amicable.)

Me: “I told her when I’m 38.”

Trader: “Umm… isn’t that a bit too old? Anyway, the mess arrives earlier with Filipino Chinese parents.”

Me: “Hahaha, not old. It’s post baby age. What do you mean when you said mess?”

Trader: “Why did you say, post baby age? Don’t you know I like many kids? There would be a lot of mayhem in the house. These discussions start about the mid-20s.”

Me: “Yeah but backcount please…

- Proposal to wedding: a year
- Honeymoon till start baby making: 1.5 years
- Manufacturing the baby: 9 months
- Rest till next baby: 1.5 years

At my age, it’s tough to get a lot of kids.”

Trader: “Amended timeline:

- Proposal to wedding: 0.5 years
- Honeymoon till start baby making: 0.5 years
- Manufacturing: 9 months
- Rest till next baby: 1 yr

So that’s 3 years to make the 2nd baby…”

***Me thinking: “Does he want to kill me?!”***

Trader: “I guess you’re not that impressed with my timeline?”

Me: “Waw, tight schedule. I don’t want.”

Trader: “Haha, that’s the only way, you’ll see…”

Me: “Target too aggressive. Must revise expectations lower.”

Trader: “Good thing it’s not four kids. I think the target is just fine. “

***Long silence***

Trader: “Are you mad?”

Me: “No, just speechless.”

Trader: “Hahahah okay, so moving on…”

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Also known as pretty boy’s Jared Leto‘s (the cute boy from My So-Called Life) band, 30 Seconds to Mars is AMAZING. Finally, I’ve found another band that can up Linkin Park’s beats… and goodness knows how long I’ve been waiting for it.

As it turns out, this new discovery had been under my nose all along — The band has been formed since 1998!

I’ve read before that people have disregarded 3STM as just a teen star’s obsession, but that’s actually not true. If you listen very closely, you can see that their lyrics are totally meaningful and increase social and anti-war awareness. In the music video, “This is War,” the band doesn’t hide their disdain for George Bush’s decisions to get the United States to War.

What’s more, their videos are just beautiful. Many of them are directed by Jared Leto himself under two pseudonyms, which shows the genius of the man.  They are all artistically done.

Can’t help but share — I am totally psyched!

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People who know me think that I’m confident and all that. Maybe it’s because I’m thoroughly opinionated and seem to know what to say, even though we all know that at times it can be kinda stupid.

Most people do not know however that I am a complete klutz.

Seriously, who loses her dorm key on the VERY FIRST DAY SHE MOVES IN?

I remember actually applying for new keys after I lost mine. Note that the keys were given to me no less than an hour before. As I went to see the cleaning lady downstairs, she was pretty helpful.

“That was pretty stupid,” she said in Mandarin.

“Who loses her keys on the first day?” she continued her kind remarks.

And there I was tapping my foot just wishing she’ll stop complaining and give me a new set of keys. I couldn’t lock the door, my stuff were still in the room and I needed to meet my parents.

She told me I had to go to the security office and apply for lost keys. The walk took around 15 minutes.

Apply, apply, apply. Go back.

Whoops, I had to pay HKD450 or something for the new sets of keys.

“Whaaat?!” I screamed. “That’s highway robbery!!!”

As it turns out, since I lost three different keys, I needed to pay for each of them.

Grumbling, I proceeded to do so.

HKD450 poorer later, I went back to my room. I unpacked my stuff, and after half an hour, I saw them.

YES, MY STUPID KEYS.

Which I thought I lost.

Doh!

So, I had to go back to the supervisor. Beg her to return my money, and dragged my sorry ass back to my dorm to finish unpacking.

But klutziness never ends.

This way, I have a huge bruise on my upper right thigh. HUGE, I tell you.

How I got it?

I hit myself with a large shoebox.

My brother Fedexed (yes, he used the super expensive courier service) his girlfriend’s shoes to me to have the shoe size upped by half a size. As it turns out, the mother of his girlfriend came to Hong Kong the previous week and bought shoes for her, unknowningly buying something that was half a size too big.

So of course, my generous brother sent over the goods, asked me to switch and send it back to him.

It took me a while to get the thing done because I was so busy with school, but I finally decided I had enough time to send it to him, so I brought it with me last Monday to be posted.

Bad news: Monday was some Hong Kong holiday. Every public service place was closed including the post office.

So I had to lug this shoe box (and they were quite big btw) around THE WHOLE DAY.

Grumble, grumble, grumble. I hate you… grumble.

So come evening, as I was on the rush to take the walk-alator (escalators that are flat, usually seen in airports), I didn’t notice but my box was on the right and because I was so much in a rush, I accidentally rammed the box to my upper thighs.

So imagine the edge of the walkalator, the box then my thigh. Imagine, maximum impact.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFUUUUUU….

Okay, so it’s huge.

No one to blame but me.

My brother owes me big time.

I hate being a klutz.

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As I am moving out from HKUST this June in time for my internship in Central, I have been on the lookout for a few short stay serviced apartments in Hong Kong Island. I only have a few requirements, as follows:

• Monthly budget: HKD6,500 – 10,000 for a room (no sharing)
• In Hong Kong Island as I refuse to pay the extra toll for using the cross-harbour bridge especially on late nights
• A 10-minute walk maximum from the closest MTR (preferably the blue line)
• Queen-sized bed preferred, twin sized bed as a minimal
• Relatively safe and convenient area

Given the rush as June is only a few weeks away, I have been busy the last few days scouring for places to stay. In the end, I’ve visited 12+ rooms and managed to make my choice.

However, I realized that after spending a bit of time researching for this, I have gained a bit of knowledge about short-stay serviced apartment in Hong Kong. It would be a pity just to throw it away especially since there is no single resource in the internet that subjectively consolidates all the information in one go.

Hence, I am posting this for your convenience and viewing pleasure. Please note that unless I have stated that I have viewed the apartment myself, many of the feedback below was taken straight from the internet/horses’ mouth. Do note that people can be very fickle and what is good for one, may be terrible for the other.

This is the reason why I implore you guys to actually go and make an appointment to view these places before you make a booking. Hong Kong rooms can be extremely tiny so it’s good to have a look and compare at a few apartments to see what is most suitable for you.

Just a warning: many of these apartments are available for viewing 2 weeks max before you are to move in. If you make your call prior to that, there is a chance that there is still someone occupying the rooms and the landlord doesn’t even know if they’ll extend their stay. So the best chance of getting a viewing is 2 weeks before, but hey, won’t hurt to ask!

Again, there are some extremely negative opinions below that’s left by anonymous internet posters. Please take these things with a grain of salt. This would be a 2-part post so do wait for the rest of the list, which hopefully would come very soon!

Okay, so here goes:

I) W Studios (http://www.wstudios.com.hk)
105 Wing Lok Street, Sheung Wan, Hong Kong, Hong Kong, Hong Kong
+852 22418000, +852 28156866

The website doesn’t work, but for your reference, I have attached a photo I’ve googled off the Internet and some comments from various Hong Kong forums for your reference. And no, I have not visited this studio as yet.

1 – “I am in W at the moment. They are clean and functional and well placed.”
   – “Eric is very difficult to deal with. I sent many email enquiries to which was indifferent response.”

2 - “It is mostly clean, has its own bathrooms, but quiet is not really guaranteed – the walls are very thin”
   – “Aside from thin internal rooms it is located on Wing Lok street which ain’t the quietest place in the morning with the taxis leaning on their horns at the hiller street / wing lok junction. This is obviously less of an issue on the higher floors. As to whether you stay there or not, the guys who operate it are good fun so that’s a plus after that it’s all down to budget. If you want somwhere cheapish, then this is ideal. On the other hand, if you have 15-20K a month to wax on accomodation, then I’d stay in one of the hotel serviced apartment buildings.”

3 – “$6/7,000 is for their smaller rooms (Note: This was posted in March 2006). These are real tiny, about 300 sqf. But these smaller rooms are newly renovated and have been done quite nicely. Before booking just check with them if the rooms is one of the renovated ones. The management there are very nice and very helpful although they can appear a little disorganised even when trying to book. Not really a problem you just have to stay on them and they won’t get upset that you’re chasing them. I would suggest booking one of their rooms for a month and when you get here look out for a place of your own. If you speak to Eric he can help with this also. Sheung Wan is great and W’s location is very convenient to Central.

4 – Asked about the kitchenette:“Look at the website, under “kickbacks” they tell you what is included. I would not call it a kitchenette, more like an asortment of items you usually find in the kitchen, like fridge, hot plate, etc chucked in a corner.”
    - “Eric`s a nice guy, just a little forgetful. Have you tried contacting them via Skype? Eric usually just sends out the bog standard e-mail response, which is the cost of the rental, and the bank details if you are interested. You need to arrange a bank transfer for deposit, they don`t accept credit cards.

W Studios wasn’t noisy last year, but I can`t really speak for it generally throughout the course of a year. The room was nice and clean. All the staff I met last year were very nice. No problems. I`ll be staying there in 3 weeks for nearly 2 months, so if it hadn`t of worked out last year I wouldn`t be staying there this year.”

4 – “I stayed there last year it’s perfect location near in the metro and tram and they are very accomodating look fo eric his a great guy and it’s walking distance to central district”

    – “I’ve stayed in W studios a couple of times before. If you’re looking into staying there short term, then it should be fine.

I got to warn you though, they have these $6500K-a-week flats I think. They have an “old” version and a “new” version of those 6.5K flats. The old is better than the new. Why? Because the “new” is half the size of the old. They split some of the old ones and turned it into 2 apartments/rooms/closets?? While I was staying there, I was in an old room but had to move to the new one because they were fixing the pipes in the old room. I almost cried when I got the new one. It was so pitiable. My guitar would not fit beside the bed. My suitcase only fitted in the hallway. I can send you pics if you’d like.

As for other aspects — quiet, accessible, laundry pick up and delivered at your door, MOST of the staff are friendly and quite helpful.

I haven’t tried the “bigger” rooms but I’ve seen them and it is a bit more spacious the ones I stayed in. So you might have that as a better option.

From what I heard, the owner of W studios has another apartment building. “H Studios” which is in happy valley, if you’re interested.”

   - “I have also stayed at the W-studios learly ast year, the rooms are very small and the furniture is so-so quality. Plus I heard that the owners just sold the place and it may be changed to a hotel for tourists.

I found the best value for money (including a great location with plenty of eateries and activities) is EmpireStudio, I stayed there from Oct last year to Jan this year, good size studios, quiet since they are on a high floor (they have 3 elevators in the building) and the building have 24 hour security doorman. Plus while I was there, they put in wired LAN internet now into all the studios, so faster internet access than wireless.

I know they are also generally quite full, since all there furniture is less than 1 year old and in great condition. They are also in the $7K to $9K price range. I think there website is www.empirestudio.biz

They are located in Causeway Bay, near Times Square and the MTR station is a short min walk from there.”  

 II) H Studios (http://www.pluff.net/index-2.html)
16 Tsun Yuen St. Happy Valley, Hong Kong
Name: Eric Manuel / Donna Tang
Tel: (852) 9866 8333 / (852) 9760 1846
Skype ID: ycire69 (9:00 am to 6:00 pm) GMT+8
Email: catherineyuen@chartersince.com.hk

Unfortunately, I haven’t had the chance to check out H Studios although their rooms look pretty sweet in their website, which btw unlike W Studios is working. I’ve collated the photos directly from the website as below (See? I remember to source photos!).

The downside is: the place looks a bit far though especially since it’s close to the race tracks. I normally don’t like to walk too long from the MTR especially since I do expect long hours and late nights during my internship. You know it’s a bit of an issue when the website doesn’t even include a map and even Google Map said it would be a bit of a walk.

Price range seems reasonable though from HKD 6,500 (lite), HKD 7,500-HKD8,000 (single), HKD9,000 (deluxe) and HKD10,000 deluxe plus. The site invites you to call at any time so this is perfect from overseas travelers.

Internet feedback: Rooms would be tiny (but then again, most places in Hong Kong are usually overpriced and super small so why complain). A past stay had said: “I have stayed in H Studios. Smallest room ever for HK$ 9,000 (something like 1.7m x 6m, bed, shower, toilet all in one room). But I have heard they have even smaller rooms for HK$ 8,000. W Studios is slightly bigger for about the same price. Both have good locations. Try to negotiate with these guys. They are rather chaotic and unorganised. Very frustrating when you want something done (like fixing the hot water or the wireless ) but good when it comes to payment (in the end i got a good deal with weekly payment ).”

2- “H studio – a little better space & amenities wise but don’t expect shelves or extra space for your belongings. Also, if your budget is “around” 5500 then H studio may sounds like the Four Seasons to you.”

III. Empire Studio
No. 2 Hysan Avenue, Causeway Bay, Hong Kong (Right behind The Lee Garden and a 10 minute walk from the MTR)
Tel: 6188-9658 or email info@empirestudio.biz for viewing
Website: http://www.empirestudio.biz/ though there are no posts of photos as the owner prefers visitors to view the apartments personally

1 – “Empire – was better but unfortunately, no availability at the moment we needed it. This is the only service studio we would reconsider should we move from our current locale.”

2 – “I want to share my experience during my previous stay at Empire Studio for those that are curious, in fact, I have referred several friends from overseas since my initial stay and they along with myself all felt it was very enjoyable and one of the best value for money in HK Island.

My personal experience was that since it only had 12 units, you don’t get many people (and visitors) stopping by and therefore it is very quiet. Plus since the studios are at a very high floor in the building (around the 15th floor I believe), that also contribute to the quiet surrounding. I found the management and staff to be very helpful from the start and all the way through my entire stay.

The management is very responsive, they came within the same day to get a repairman to add more coolant to my aircon (when I felt that it was not operating correctly).

The only downside is that there studios are always in demand plus so many of there existing tenants simply extend their leases and that makes the availability even less.

I would recommend it to everyone and suggest you book in advance.”

IV. Cozy Studio
Tel: +852 2910 7997 or Email: info@cozy.com.hk
http://www.cozy.com.hk/

1a – “Cozy – fuggetaboutit. Tiiinnieee and old. Unless you’re antisocial Jeffrey Dahmer type that doesn’t mind living in ratholes w/ nonexistent sunshine…”

1b – “I’m staying in thoe cozy studios and they’re small, but nevertheless i like it The Wireless Lan works and the maid is very good. Moreover i like the advantage of the closeness to the time square, because you’e able to eat very
cheap in the food court and the for sure the shopping centre . End the end it’s up to you, but don’t expect not too much… I would life like a king in europe for this amount of money, however it’s only for 2 month in your case…. “

2 (http://hongkong.geoexpat.com/forum/53/thread6920.html) – “Warning: Cozy Studios

Hello. New to this forum and also not usually the type to post, but had to warm ppl about this scam. Have lived at their Causway Bay location for over a month, and it’s terrible. first off, the tiny unit smells like a sewer all the time, then there’s a humming noise whenever the neighbors use their bathroom fan, you can hear whenever someone literally farts on the other side of the wall, there are ants crawling everywhere, and of course the broadband internet they promise is really a shared wireles so most of the time it’s slower then dial-up. worse yet, it hasn;t worked for a few days and they refuse to fix it.
Above all else, management consists of really hostile, annoying people who enjoy seeing tenants squirm and suffer and make it clear they are only interested in your money, it’s your fault for being an idiot and living there. every time you call somebody else shows up, and the managers are so obnoxiously uncaring it’s amazing.

And if you check their website the price list is wrong, i think the cheap rooms are never really available probably because they don’t exist, everyone ends up paying seven thousand or more.

Stay away from them. I will leave soon, and will check this forum to see if anyone responds.

Do you think contacting the consumer board will help? who else regulates housing in this city?

Thanks for listening.”

 

V. Studio Studio
http://www.studiostudio.com.hk/
Rent range: HKD6,500-12,000 monthly for 150-320 square feet
Tel: 2805-8000 or 2845-8000 (Wanchai and Sheung Wan) / 9187-8000 or 9866-8333 (Causeway, North Point)

Was fully booked when I called – the rooms looked impressive from the Internet. Then again, never really trust the photos as it’s better to look at it for yourself:

Unfortunately, I saw a fellow blogger and past Studio Studio tenant give some really negative feedback here. It does remain subjective though whether the author was just super picky and has not yet acclimated to the sizes and conditions of Hong Kong apartment on average. As they say, you really get what you pay for.

here quotes: “Studio Studio is absolute crap. Don;t ever use their service. It’s a joke of a company.”

Last one I found was quite adamant of their stand:”DO NOT use Studiostudio

I had an absolutely terrible experience with studiostudio, and i wouldnt recommend anyone to use their service.

They advertise they add tv, internet, and laundry service, as well as a few other things. I can say categorically that they utterly failed to provide a reasonable service to me. the tv was broken, the internet failed every other day or so, and the laundry lady was never on time when she was supposed to be.

One irritating little procedure they do is start spamming you from around the 20th of the month with these “final reminder” notices, reminding you to pay your rent. every day they slip these under your door, as if you are too stupid to remember the 1st of the month.

The manager never wants to speak to tenants face to face or over the phone, and instead sends a filipino person who cannot speak a word of english OR cantonese. Although they try to be helpful, the situation is ridiculous.

when i was about to move out, they pulled some crap and tried to tell me they were keeping my deposit. i told them absolutely not, and they proceeded to PADLOCK my door so i couldnt get home after work.

These people are complete crooks, running a shabby business with no sense of customer service whatsoever.

although they may be cheap, you definitely get what you pay for.”

VI. 112 Apartments
112 Chun Yeung Street North Point, Hong Kong
Tel: +852-3114 7100, Fax: +852 3119 0193
Email: info@112apartments.com
http://www.112apartments.com/

I actually saw this place today. Overall, wet market in the street aside, I was very impressed with the building, the new lobby, security, and the clean rooms. The photos on the website of course look better but at least they don’t stray too much from the originals. Given a bit of dirt and simplicity aside, the photos do look like the real thing. What’s better, there is ample closet space provided despite it just a steel metal rack where you can hang your stuff, and a very small kitchenette.

The only downside is that minimum rent is for at least 1 month, the one month required deposit if it matters to you and its distance from the MTR.

No kidding — the apartments is in between the Fortress Hill and North Point MTR (though it’s closer to the latter). I am guesstimating at least a 10 to 15-minute walk walk here to North Point MTR. As a lazy bum, this is already quite far for me on a daily basis and I felt that given my past experience of living in North Point, I prefer a more bustling area.

Meanwhile, if you don’t mind the walk and wet market which I can assure you should be relatively safe (Add note: I lived in North Point before right below the wet market for over a year and had NO problems whatsoever), this would be a terrific place for you.

Regardless, to be fair, here are some feedback from the Internet:

1 – “I am currently staying at 112 apartments but this is only a temporary arrangement (Thank god!).

The interiors are new. But depending on which unit you are assigned to, it can actually be very small (< 200 sq. feet nett) and crammed. What’s more, it’s located along Chun Yeung Street, which is a wet market, and it can be rather filthy, so be prepared to trample over dirty streets downstairs.”

To be continued…

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A married classmate told me, there were four types of men you’ll meet in your life (Men: you can use this for women too!):

1) The man who loves you the most.
2) The man whom you love the most.
3) The man who will be your best friend.
4) And the guy who is most suitable for you and you will most likely marry.

Usually the guy who is suitable for you doesn’t have the other three qualities. Which is kinda sad. But I found to be kinda true.

“If you marry the guy whom you love the most,” my friend explains, “In the long run, you won’t really be happy. You cannot really be yourself because you’re around him and you would want to cater for his every need. Hence, you can’t really be at your full potential.”

A guy classmate of mine is in this position. He is in love with his girlfriend so much that he spends every night talking to her for hours.

Those who are in an MBA program would know we don’t have hours to spare to talk to our significant other. Even Trader and I only spend around 30-45 minutes a day talking…

I asked him how it was. He said, “I love her a lot, but my biggest fear is that I am not fulfilling my largest potential. When I am with her, I am so happy, but I can’t perform as well…”

I know how it is. Trader is the same. When I am around, he can’t work. He gets distracted.

When I was in Singapore last week, we got into a fight because he was playing video games instead of studying for his CFA 3. The whole week and a half I was there, he almost got no studying done except for the day where I went out with my friends.

“Why can’t you study bee?” I complained. “I am not bothering you. You should just hit your books!”

“I can’t really concentrate when you’re here,” my boyfriend said. “When you’re here, I am distracted and my schedule gets out of whack.” My boyfriend is a man of schedule. If A doesn’t follow B, he just doesn’t feel right.

“You should be more flexible ma!” I replied.

I’ve really thought about this in my relationship. Which one was he? Which one is me?

For Trader, I think his first ex-girlfriend was the girl who loved him the most. I wasn’t his best friend, as he had others while I don’t think I am the most suitable for it.

“How can you be suitable for me?” he jokingly commented. “We fight all the time. Hahah!”

It’s true – we aren’t really that suitable.

My second ex-boyfriend was my most suitable. In fact, if there was a guy who was the mirror image of me personality-wise and interest-wise, that would’ve been him. We shared so many interests that break up was a bitch.

Even though we broke up, we would still bump into each other every other day because we both went to the same small wallclimbing gym (Note: There weren’t a lot of climbing options in Taipei) and had a lot of common friends. It was tough to recover from that relationship. I think it took double the time.

My first ex-boyfriend was the guy I loved the most at that time. Now, I am sooo happy we didn’t work out. He was Japanese (uh, hello cultural difference!), was kinda unemployed, a high school graduate and didn’t love me as much.

But how I loved him!

To the point that I — arrogant me — even chased after him. Aiya embarrassing…

I was miserable day in an out because he wasn’t mine and when he was, I was again miserable because he didn’t love me as much as I loved him. But he could melt my knees to butter. He was just, sexy. And at that time, he was mine.

Sure, it took me mere weeks to get over him but when I was with him, I was totally madly deeply in love. I thought about him all the time. I wanted him to be with me all the time. He was like a drug.

Compared that to Trader — I love him, but it’s not to the extent that I really really have to have him. In fact, many of our fights end up with me pushing him away to someone more respectable (I know, it’s wrong but Icannot help it!).

So in the end, I think I’m Trader’s most loved girlfriend, and Trader is the guy who is most suitable for me.

How about you?

Who are your four types of men?

Have a great weekend! I’ll write about my mom soon in lieu of mother’s day! Abangan…

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As a follow-up to last week’s post on Six Questions to Ponder in Choosing a Life Partner, I thought it would be a good idea to create a post where our readers can chime in with thoughts on how to sustain a life partnership once you’re all in.

Clearly, all relationships face their own unique challenges. And I’ve been around long enough to believe that sometimes, it may be best for two grossly mismatched personalities to end a long term relationship and begin anew the quest for a mostly peace-filled life.

But for those who aren’t quite ready to separate, let’s discuss strategies that have worked for us. Things that we have found to be helpful in healing wounds, preventing wounds, fostering genuine fondness, earning respect, and just plain old surviving life with your significant other.

Now some folks I know say that they hardly ever fight. I even know a couple who insist that they have absolutely nothing to fight about. If you and your partner belong in this category, perhaps this post isn’t for you.

My marriage has given me more heartache and stress than any other life experience. Pretty much everything that I’ve written over the years on maintaining healthy relationships, finding meaning in suffering, and just trying to treat others the right way has flowed out of this vat of personal grief that I suspect will always be a part of me.

But I’m still together with my life partner, Margaret, mother of our two boys, and though I suspect we’ll continue to walk through more moments of despair and gnashing of teeth, I believe we will stay together forever. I didn’t feel this way in the first few years of our marriage. I feel this way now because we’ve walked through the valley of the shadow of death more than a few times. And in surviving, I think we’ve developed some strategies that have been immensely helpful in allowing us to work at everything I mentioned above: healing wounds, preventing wounds, fostering genuine fondness, earning respect, and just plain old surviving life by each other’s side.

You Have to Show Up

I think one of the reasons why we’ve had a number of horrible fights is that both of us like showing up in our relationship.

We’re both pretty clear on things that are important to us as individuals, and when we feel that the other isn’t being respectful, we show up.

For example, one thing I am highly sensitive to is someone other than me even mildly criticizing anyone on my side of the family. Yes sir, when I’m annoyed by one of my blood family members, right or wrong, I’m allowed to bellyache about it, but nobody else better say anything about my mom, dad, sisters, aunt, or grandmother. Because I’m liable to go medieval on them. Or at least read them the riot act.

Something that Margaret doesn’t tolerate for a second is condescension. No matter how well it’s dressed up, if I’m annoyed or grumpy about something and give her even a whiff of that fragrance of believing that I’m fundamentally a better human being, she gets deeply hurt, and understandably so.

The reasons for us having these and other sensitive buttons are not as important as knowing that they exist. Though, for the record, we’ve had countless conversations on all of the ways in which each of us refuses to be disrespected.

And I would argue that this is an essential ingredient in all healthy relationships. Not showing up on big life issues is a precursor to resentment, which is ultimately what destroys a genuine desire to respect, trust, support, encourage, serve, and love.

What’s Important is How You Show Up

I think author Gary Chapman says it best:

“Love makes requests, not demands. When I demand things from my spouse, I become a parent and she the child.”

In a marriage or life partnership, no one wants to feel like a child who constantly needs to be corrected, reprimanded, and controlled.

Margaret’s big on keeping violent images out of our boys’ lives. She concedes that eventually, they need to be aware of war lords, arms dealers, and other realities of our world, but at 6 and 4 years of age, she argues that they don’t need to know about how some humans have a tendency to fight and kill one another. And I would agree with her.

But I do want our boys to one day enjoy the magic of “The Karate Kid” and a few other classics in my limited collection of movies. And I have to admit, I would enjoy seeing them experience the joy of playing with Nerf and water guns.

So when she tells me in a flat, no-nonsense voice that she doesn’t want our boys to see Daniel-San’s journey just yet, and that she won’t allow any toy guns whatsoever in the house, I feel like she’s parenting me.

The thing is, I’m fine with waiting on these life experiences. A little disappointed maybe. But I can respect these wishes. I just don’t like the way they feel like demands. Like this is how it’s going to be because she says so.

And it’s not that I need her to ask for my permission so that I feel like I’m the leader of our household. I just want to feel like we’re parenting our children together. So in this particular instance, I asked her how she felt about sharing such views in the form of a question, kind of like this:

“Hey Ben, how do you feel about waiting until the boys are about 12 and 10 before we watch ‘The Karate Kid’? Because I really feel like they’re still too young to see Daniel get whaled on by those bullies wearing the skeleton costumes.”

For Margaret and me, approaching any life issue in this manner makes a huge, positive difference in the quality of our relationship.

Requesting rather than demanding. Expressing thoughts in terms of feelings. Asking for the other person’s feelings on the matter. All excellent guidelines to keep in mind whenever we show up in our most important relationships.

And something else that really helps us: Before we bring up our mindfully composed requests, we try to say something like:

“I wanted to share something with you, but just wanted to tell you first that I don’t mean in any way to make you feel bad, so please tell me if you do.”

Sounds like a lot of work, right? And maybe this is unnecessary for some couples. But for us, a little preface like this sets the stage for a healthy discussion where there is little tendency to get defensive. Worth trying, I think.

Know Your Partner’s Primary Language and Act on this Knowledge

Of the following five choices, which one makes you feel most loved and cared about?

1.Kind words – when your partner speaks kindly to you, encourages you, gives you an unexpected and genuine compliment, or tells you that he or she cares about you.

2.Quality time – when you and your partner spend quality time together.

3.Gifts – when your partner surprises you with a gift. The cost of the gift is irrelevant. You feel cared about because he or she spent time thinking about you and what you might like.

4.Acts of service – when your significant other does things that make your life less stressful or more enjoyable. Like the feeling you get when you’re tired and hungry after a long day, only to be pleasantly surprised to find that the dishes are already washed, the recycling has been taken out, or there is a nice meal waiting for you.

5.Physical affection – when you and your partner hold hands, hug, and share physical contact that reflects how much you care about each other.

In his brilliant book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman discusses how each of us are geared towards having a primary love language. Whichever answer you choose to the question above is your primary love language – the way in which you most feel loved and cared about.

For most of us, I think it’s natural to show love to our partner through the primary language that we most feel loved.

For example, Margaret’s primary love language is quality time, while mine is acts of service.

So while she appreciates various acts of service I might perform with her in mind, they don’t end up meaning as much to her as, say, spending an evening together just talking about this and that after the boys have gone to sleep.

I don’t know how many times I’ve forgotten this and spent one too many hours at the office, thinking that she would appreciate how hard I was working for our family, only to become devastated and angry in discovering that she was angry with me for neglecting her. The perfect example of two people looking at the same event with completely different perspectives and all the heartache that can be caused by not knowing and acting on your partner’s primary love language.

Know what your partner’s primary love language is. Act on it. Repeat as often as possible.

Know How to Apologize

I suppose the first step is to recognize when an apology is in order. Here’s my general rule of thumb: If Margaret is upset with me over something, I probably have something to apologize about.

I don’t say this tongue in cheek. When she is upset about something, if I dig deep enough within my memory bank of things I said and did and didn’t do over the past little while, I can almost always identify something that I can take responsibility for. And I think the same holds true in reverse. It really does take two to tango, and provided that both parties are mentally stable, both people usually have something that they can take ownership of in times of conflict.

So how to apologize. First, you have to really feel it. This means putting your feelings aside for a moment, and doing your best to feel your partner’s pain. Not so easy to do, but become good at doing this, and I guarantee that it will lead to more happiness and less misery.

If you keep your focus on your partner’s pain, it shouldn’t be too difficult to say you’re sorry.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“I’m sorry that I’ve caused you hurt.”

All of these are acceptable. And if you can’t say one of these with a genuine expression of sorrow and humility on your face, spend more time thinking about your partner’s pain until such an expression is a natural printout of what you’re really feeling.

And please don’t ever say “I’m sorry if you were hurt by what I said (or did).”

This sends the message that you’re not fully convinced that your partner is justified in feeling hurt. To some, this is as good as saying “I wish you weren’t so emotionally weak, but I see that you’re all hysterical again, so I’m sorry for whatever it is that’s ailing you. Whatever.”

It’s simple. Focus on your partner’s pain until you can say sorry from your heart. Then say it without qualifying it.

Know How to Accept an Apology

If you’re lucky enough to have a partner who knows how to take ownership of his or her behavior and deliver a genuine apology, don’t mess everything up by using this opportunity to get high and mighty.

For your partner to deliver a proper apology, he or she has to swallow some combination of hurt, pride and ego. Remember this, and it will be natural to be gracious and forgiving. This is the magic of one person stepping up and delivering a real and true apology; it tends to melt away the hurt on both sides, and dramatically improves the other person’s capacity to feel compassion.

I repeat: please remember the work that is involved in apologizing from the heart. Even if you still feel hurt, try not to make your partner feel any worse than he or she already does.

A while back, Margaret, in a moment of sincere concern and panic, told what she felt was a harmless lie to a family friend. Her intentions were good, but almost immediately, she realized that she shouldn’t have lied. So she mustered up the courage to call the family friend and take complete ownership of her behavior.

Regrettably, the friend, while accepting of the apology, delivered a bit of a sermon about how she never, ever lied, would never allow her husband to lie, held Margaret to a much higher standard, and expected that Margaret would learn something from this experience.

Remember what I mentioned about Margaret and the way she’s wired to respond to condescension? The friend’s rebuke was like dynamite; it destroyed a family friendship that we had cherished. A powerful and painful reminder to be gracious and never rebukeful when someone delivers a sincere apology.

To put it another way, when your partner apologizes to you, don’t go on a power trip.

Remember What You’re Grateful For

I believe that you can use the power of your thoughts to lift yourself, your partner, and your relationship into rarefied air. It’s difficult to stay up there all the time, but for spurts, you can indeed get there.

You can do this by regularly giving silent thanks for all that you’re grateful for in your partner.

If it’s helpful, keep a picture of your partner as a baby nearby and meditate on all of the good qualities that the baby in the picture came to possess as an adult despite many decades of getting hurt and disappointed by life.

Since I’ve shared some gritty details from my marriage, I guess I deserve to list a few of the qualities that I’m grateful for in Margaret, qualities that remind me that I found the best possible partner for me in this world.

•She lives for our boys. She really knows how to be with them. She doesn’t lie nearby with her nose buried in a book or cell phone while they go brain dead in front of a television. She talks with them, reads with them, plays games with them. It’s exhausting work, to really be emotionally present with little ones, and she does this beautifully.

•You know that person who gets up at his wedding and raises a glass to toast a table full of relatives whose names he isn’t quite sure of, and yet, without a hint of shame, declares to the crowd of guests that he loves said relatives and lives for them? My wife is the opposite of this type of person. She is absolutely genuine. No matter her emotion, you know what it is. She is the opposite of phony. I adore this about her.

•She values health over looks and function over style. She doesn’t need to visit the Eiffel tower to be happy; she’d much prefer a good memoir and a cup of tea. She will never get the difference between our Hyundai and the neighbor’s BMW. She’s almost right out of the pages of Little House on the Prairie, except she does TaeKwonDo and she doesn’t know how to milk a cow.

I could go on, but that should just about help me round out my point. When I focus on these and other qualities about my life partner that I’m deeply grateful for, I find that I want to try harder to be a good husband to her. Though I like to think that I’m getting better at it with age, as a fellow human being with a good backpack full of my own personal issues, I need to regularly choose these thoughts to keep my game sharp. When I don’t consciously feed myself these reminders, I start taking her for granted, and inevitably, it becomes easier to have a fight over nothing.

As Mahatma Gandhi shared with us:

Your thoughts become your words,
Your words become your actions,
Your actions become your habits,
Your habits become your values,
Your values become your destiny.

So those are the healthy relationship strategies that I’ve learned thus far through my marriage.

*** Thanks Jidi for once again sharing something invaluable ***
Reprint directly from: How to Keep Your Relationship Healthy

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Tonight is the last day. Tomorrow, I fly back to Hong Kong.

Do I concede or stay mad in the evening? He is already asleep.

Hooo boy, what a lovely way to end a great vacation.

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After a long Easter week relaxing with Trader in Singapore. Now, it’s back to work.

However, I am dying to check out Zara Stores today at IFC Mall. Have you seen their bright colored designs and patterns? Totally love love love!

Okay, must concentrate. Tons of studying left to do before I go shopping.

Wish me luck!

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I’m watching this video on how real reality TV catfights can be?

Reflecting on my limited experience, I’ve realized that there are many ways that what was said in the video is true. Whereas men would just roll up their sleeves and take/give the punches, women act a lot more cattily.

We women tend to work in groups, taking things a lot more personally than men do and making a lot of mean, snide remarks. Men would dislike other men and just be more direct about it. Women have a tendency to be a lot more passive aggressive, attacking on the back or on the side, never really coming up with an explanation on why we like or dislike someone.

The video tries to explain why women act the way they do. An explanation is that women take things a lot more personally. We want to get involved in each other’s personal lives and if the other’s way of living is not really our cup of tea, we cannot help but be irked about it, talking and gossiping about it with other people.

Men on the other hand, just don’t care.

If Trader hates the way another person lives his life, he just ensures he doesn’t really bump into this guy as much. Trader is happy in his merry way working and relaxing in the weekend with his set of friends whom he does like.

Women care. We do have a lot of opinion. And we cannot help but talk about it, and be mean about it. As if doing so would change the other way people live their lives.

Instead of taking that person aside and ask them to change their behavior, we instead chose to do nothing about it, hiding in the shadows and feeling better when we get our feelings out. The funny thing is that talking about things with other people doesn’t really resolve issues. In fact, it worsens it. It pits one person against the other.

I remember during our Residential Program at HKUST, there was a lot of bad blood between myself and other groupmates. They were my assigned groupies for the rest of the program so I remember literally crying on why God would ever group me with these stubborn people I’m clearly incompatible with!

Thankfully, our group turned out okay.

How? Why?

I remember that on the second day of our terrible program when claws came out and there was really a lot of disagreements between us, one groupmate and I decided to clear the air and talk about it.

He was like, “Here are the things tha I don’t like about you…” and I was like, “Okay, I understand and will work on them… and here now are the things I dislike about you…”

We both realized that though we disagreed with each other’s opinion, we had nothing against each other. Things were not personal.

The same rule was followed all throughout MBA. That way, even though the disagreements became fierce and some of my groupies’ temper blew out, we always reminded ourselves: it’s not personal. All this would pass too and we were all together moving towards the same goal.

This had been helpful with several misunderstandings in the last few days.

I replied back to a classmate’s email albeit a bit coldly because admittedly my mind was somewhere else while drafting the email. Consequently, despite my correspondent’s best intentions, it was as if I didn’t care and I was one-upping that person.

That person wrote back a strong retort in response. That person thought I had BCC’d other people in the hopes of making me look good and that person bad.

Because we both understand that there is nothing personal in our dealings and I’ve been super true with this person, we quickly realized it was just a mere misunderstanding and settled it without any huge repercussions.

But what if this person talked about this with another person saying, “That Bonita? She’s such a bitch. She was super cold to me when I only wanted to help… blah blah blah…”

All of a sudden, what was supposed to be a misunderstanding had turned into a more serious manner because he/she is talking badly about someone else. That creates disharmony within the community turning people against each other.

Sadly, the source of the ire?

Maybe just a misunderstanding…

So we all hope. We’re all idealistic in thinking that the world we work in is black and white. That we may always have our disagreements but there are a gentleman’s way of dealing with things.

But then again, maybe this is just a naive and idealistic way of dealing with things.

That said, I am who I am. And I stand true to how I deal with things.

I just hope that others would do the same.

Then the world would be a better, nicer place to be in.

Happy Easter!

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…Maybe that’s what happens when you spend a long Easter weekend in Singapore.

There’s still so many other things I need to do. Say, read The Intelligent Investor for Macroeconomics, do a few cases for a corporate finance class and write a quick 2-page paper. In addition, I need to write a few thank you notes.

However, I am just sooooo lazy.

Instead, I’ve spent the entire yesterday having a great lunch at Lawry’s in Singapore.

Trader was so nice to treat me to an SGD82 Lawry’s prime rib cut along with creamy corn and spinach sidings. Yummy. Really felt special.

Afterwards, we hung around a bit as I tried to read my cases while Trader studied for his CFA 3. After which, we watched Source Code, which was pretty nice given its more innovative concept and casting.

Would’ve enjoyed it a lot more if it didn’t remind me too much of Groundhog Day. It was nice though because we spent a bit of time with friends.

Anyway, gonna cook lunch now. Happy Easter and Ta-Taaa!

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Our MBA cohorts were in Singapore for the last three days for a series of meetings. One of our MBA Association’s three big nitiatives, the Singapore trip was in the pipeline for several months now and it’s great to see how the organizer’s vision is coming into fruitation.

Of course, I joined the finance career trek which is a series of 9 meetings with Singapore’s largest domestic banks among others. It was terrific to meet company representatives of DBS, OCBC, BEA in addition to a slew of investment banks like Credit Suisse and Barclays Capital.

As for me, I am staying for a few more days to meet with a few more companies. One is a large Japanese bank while the other is one of Singapore’s sovereign funds. It’s a more informal meeting so you never really know what to expect. With the Japanese bank, it seemed like an exchange of ideas, banking trends and how important it is for us to be more competitive. It’s still cool though when you get to meet with the bank’s General Manager.

Simultaneously, I’ve been doing a bit of cooking as well for Trader. The menu for tonight: Salmon fillet over mashed potatoes with tomatoes and onion drizzled with balsamic vinegar and steamed asparagus.

I think we cooked too many potatoes and was super stuffed because of all the carbo.

On other news, I am pissed at Trader for playing video games instead of studying for the CFA 3. He only has a few weeks left to study and instead he’s playing basketball via his PC.

Sigh that’s what you get when you date someone younger. I miss older men who have hobbies that are more in tune to my tastes. Oh well…

Anyway, going to relax a bit in Singapore before coming back to Hong Kong. Hope all is well with you all and sorry for not updating as much. As you can see with all the meetings to be attended, it can be a tad busy.

Take care!

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“To be honest, there are a million people out there waiting to see me fail. It makes for a better story. It’s what people want to see. They don’t like success stories. So I have to work much harder to stand up on my game.” – Rachel Zoe

These days, there is nothing better in life than to watch back episodes of Rachel Zoe, stylist to the stars. Her clientele includes beautiful women like Eva Mendez, Kate Hudson, Anne Hatheway and Demi Moore. Known as the red carpet stylist, Rachel’s works are usually placed on the Oscar Best Dressed list.

You can watch free episodes via Youtube here.

The reason why I love the Rachel Zoe Project as much is because my personality resonates to Rachel Zoe. She works with a small team of people whom she trusts and treats as family, and her work is her life. I think she’s a lot more naive and trusting than I am but the way she approaches her personal life (secondary to her career) and her work (she gives it 101% her all) mirrors mine.

I also love it how strong she is. The reason why she has been successful was not really because of luck but rather because of hard work. Clients love her because they know she has their back, no matter what. “The problem with Rachel is that she never says no to anyone,” complains her poor husband Rodger who is forced in her shadow. He used to be an investment banker and is now working as her business manager cum President.

If I ever do become successful, I would credit it through blood, sweat and tears.

My years before in finance was not an easy road. Actually, I poured everything into my job and slept with my blackberry. It was the first thing I’d check in the morning and the last thing I’d check at night. Even now, I am an email freak. The best way to reach me is first via email, then via calling or texting me. I am usually very bad with voice mails.

In a way, I am scared to leave my career behind for a family. Trader wants us to start a family in a few years (which is coming up soon) and he wants 2-3 kids. The thought of it scares me, and yet everyone reminds me how important it is to balance your life. I wonder if a good family life is worth leaving your career.

What can I say? I am selfish. I want it all.

Anyway, I’d like to share something that I wrote for our female mentorship program that a classmate is pushing. I think it’s a mighty regal idea so long as it’s executed well and we get paired up with a woman that mirrors our own personality. If I get paired up with a messed up bimbo with no purpose in her life, then I’d rather shoot myself.

Here’s what I wrote about me — enjoy!:

—————————————————

Everyone here calls me Bonita. I’m usually the person sitting in the front row and became famous in my batch for my inquisitiveness, straightforward opinions, and loud voice. I could also be a bit bossy at times, demanding the best out of my group, and oftentimes driving them bananas. But they say they love me. I believe them, most of the time.

I was born and bred in the Philippines, lived in Taiwan and Hong Kong, and fluent in English, Mandarin and Filipino. My undergraduate was Business Management and before my HKUST MBA, worked in a bank, moving to Hong Kong in December 2008 at the very height of the financial crisis. Prior to my banking career, I was working in a technology company for 2.5 years but wasn’t too keen on a 9am-to-6pm lifestyle. Post my MBA, I would like to return to the fast-paced financial services industry, specifically in capital markets.

My greatest challenge in the past year was how to balance work and play. I had a print-out calendar full of recruitment events, group meetings, and whole days of classes. I was also very active extra-curricularly so that took out a lot of my time. I have a tendency to give things my 101%, so the challenge was more on which projects to say yes, or no to. The trick is not to spread yourself out too thin. 

The club I joined was the most rewarding aspect of my MBA journey. We did a lot. It was terrific to organize projects that connected my classmates to highly experienced practitioners from the field.

Words of wisdom for incoming women: reputation is extremely important. Protect it. This means, observe your classmates closely before dating them. Don’t be too easy. If you do something stupid, don’t post it up on Facebook. Make your word your bond. If you said you’ll do it, then do it. Build up a reputation of a woman of high integrity, who can conduct herself appropriately to the occasion.

Secondly, make the most out of your MBA because in the end, you’ll only do your MBA once. You really only get what you put in. There are tons of amazing professors here and relevant knowledge to be learnt. You can only absorb the most if you really did the work, ask questions and engage in group discussions.

Lastly, your female classmates are your sisters. It’s tempting to gossip and talk badly of others, but it’s unproductive and hurtful. You don’t want to be known as a gossip: it’s a negative reflection on who you are versus a reflection of the other. If you have an issue with a sister, talk to her about it so she can change instead of going behind her back. Likewise, try to help each other instead of thinking that others are a threat. Meanwhile, if you find yourself a victim of malicious gossip, be strong and see if what people say have merit.

Remember that you cannot really please everyone. The best you can do is to stay true to yourself and your values. Don’t change or blend yourself in the background just because others don’t like it. You will always have critics especially if you’re highly visible. Just conduct yourself in the best way possible, and let your achievements, attitude and sincerity take care of the rest. 

Things I have enjoyed doing in the past year both alone and with my classmates include:

1.)    Traveling around Asia: I’m a frequent flyer of Tiger Airways and Jetstar

2.)    Watching live concerts in Hong Kong. Tickets at www.hkticketing.com

3.)    Walking around Mongkok for cheap finds

4.)    Having afternoon tea at the Peninsula and Sevva: you just gotta experience it

5.)    Art-jamming, cake baking and getting a massage in Shenzhen

6.)    House parties when someone makes a delicious home-cooked meal

Hope you liked it. Have a great week ahead!

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Received last March 16, 2011 from a very very good friend in Hong Kong:

Dear Friend,

As you read this, I will be on my way to New York. It was a long time coming, but I am finally starting the next chapter of my life. However, one can not go forward until one looks back, and what is my time in Hong Kong without you, my friend?

It’s funny how, like most great things, our friendship began on a happenstance. It’s astonishing to think that we would not have been friends had I hit the snooze one more time, or that you decided you want to be alone to study. Alas, it was meant to be. Isn’t it amazing how two people who are so radically different can become the closest of friends? You are an extrovert, while I am an introvert. You are all embracing, while I am selective. You are emotional, while I am rational. You are impulsive, while I am deliberate. You are active, while I’m passive. Yet, somehow, it sort of works.

When we hangout, the energy that radiates off you galvanized me. You make me want to go try new things, visit new places, and meet new people when I would otherwise stay at home. This is why I appreciate your friendship, as you bring out another side of me that is normally dormant.

I’m also glad that I could give you advises now and then, given that you are always so indecisive. How someone so capable at work can be so thickheaded, I would never know. Yet, I was always delighted to gently push you in the right direction. It is quite a feat to survive my numerous lectures, rants, incoherent babbling, and politically incorrect statements. You always judged, but was never belittled me. I don’t often take your advices, but I do appreciate you sharing a piece of your mind with me. Despite the fact that our friendship is riddled with fights, it’s all good natured fun. I saw you as a confidant, a whirlwind of trouble, a student, an inspiration, a cluster of energy, a friend, and a sister I never had.

You probably never noticed it, but I have always admired you. I see you as a modern Amazon of sorts, capable of balancing fierceness at work without losing your femininity. You are always looking to experience new things and to better yourself, this is why I know you will always achieve your goals. I have no doubt in my mind that you will be successful at wherever life throws at you, be it MBA, work, or love. If you can handle MBA, you can handle making hard decisions at life. Don’t let anyone dissuade you from achieving your potential. Trust your instincts. I believe that if you can be more confident in yourself then nothing will stop you from success.

Perhaps I should have said farewell when I was still in Hong Kong. However, farewells are inherently sad, and I did not want to compound more sadness into my mind at the time. It is why this letter is so belated. I write this letter now with a new found exuberance for life, a sense of happiness and gratitude. On the other hand, I don’t believe in farewells. It might seem like eons ago, but I’ve told you that, to me, true friendships last a life time. I still firmly believe that. Friendship is cheap during good times, as anyone can go out and have fun together. Only in hardship can it be truly tested. Know that even if I’m not there physically, I am always willing to extend a helpful hand when you need one.

Unlike you I don’t have thousands of friends, however, I do have many. Out of those, only a hand full I consider close, and even fewer I consider my confidant. To me, you are one of the most important ones. Maybe to you I am just one out of a thousand friends, but it does not matter to me. Friendship is not about seeking balance, nor is it something you weight on a scale. Moon may wax and wane, nations may rise and fall, but one thing I know for certain, I will never change. I know that we will meet again, as physics dictates that the farther you travel, the closer you are from where you started. So, be it in a year, five years, or thirty years, know that you will always have me as your friend, and that you will always have a place to stay if you ever visit New York.

Thank you for all that you’ve brought to my life in the last few years, and thanks for enduring me, as I know I can be difficult at times. I’m going to the future now, see you there.

- XXXX

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Embrace who you are.

You’re welcome!

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Follow this map and you’ll never go wrong… made for fun prior to my MBA when so many friends and clients were requesting for an itinerary on what to do while they’re in this lovely city:

Yes, I’m feeling generous today. Enjoy!

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My friend wants to breakup with her high-profile boyfriend because surprisingly, he is not a generous person.

Okay, so that’s me becoming more diplomatic and politically correct.

In Bonita’s wording, he is cheap.

Yes, cheap.

“My friend’s sex buddy treats her out to nice dinners like every three days of the week,” she complained. “My boyfriend don’t even try to do it that often.”

Though I do not agree that we should all aspire to be sex buddies (no, there is no pride in doing that), I told her that by nature, sex buddies and mistresses in general do get treated better than regular spouses. Take it from me: they do. Free trips, luxurious dinners and gifts — I don’t know with you but my friends have received it all from their sex friends.

And yet, that’s what they are: just people you call when you’re horny. No more, no less.

So anyway, I told her to focus more on the character than the amount of money he pours into her. Note that we are all just students and cannot really afford to treat women to dinners outside campus on a regular basis.

Hell, even Trader who HAS a job still put limits on his spending with me. If he could have his way, he would rather spend a lot lot less than he does at the moment.

“Don’t worry, Trader is the same,” I laugh. “He’s pretty cheap too. In fact, my father had warned me about Trader’s tight-fisted ways…”

“But he treats you so well…?” she bemoaned.

“Actually, we fought about money all the time in the beginning,” I replied. “In the end, we both train each other: him to be more generous and me to be more accepting of less luxurious things.”

Whereas I could’ve been happy with a branded bag with an ex, Trader has given me a Coach bag instead. Holders of luxury bags know that Coach is a bit lower in the branding food chain.

It’s the thought that counts and I use his gift on an almost daily basis: not because I’m a big fan of Coach (because I am not – except their recent designs are actually quite good), but rather because he gave it to me, and gifts should be treasured.

In the end, it was all about compromise.

My friend wants to break up with her boyfriend because it’s too much work. “Why constantly ask for things all the time? It’s too hard… I’d rather go out with a guy who can pamper and treat me to nice things.”

“Just be careful that you’re looking at the guy’s character instead of the amount of money he spends on you,” I warned her. “Any idiot who makes okay cash can treat you… for a time being.”

I don’t ever brag I have the better end of the deal. Trader and I do have issues, but I do value the fact that we try to work it out. I think in the end, this is more valuable than any nice dinner at Amber, which we know that we can always afford but not spend on.

That’s why we work hard — to earn money.

If I wanted a nice bag, I buy myself a nice bag. No more no less.

And if Trader is cheap, so long as he values ME more than his money, then he’s still worthwhile to be with.

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The Louis Vuitton Black Epi Riviera from Reebonz.com (damn website):

It’s vintage so it has a bit of history in it, but in mint condition. I heard that this had been discontinued and you know how rare objects can fan the hearts of desire…

I didn’t expect to make this purchase, I promise. I’ve thought and thought about it though and decided that I was worth it.

So here we go, click and done!

Hopefully, it should come in a size that I’m comfortable with. Large and useful.

Finals week this week – going crazy!

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My best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of four years three weeks ago.

Out of the blue, he sent her an SMS saying that “He wanted time to think.”

Troubled, she gave him a call and he told her that it’s just that he was having doubts with their relationship and wanted to take a break. She was stricken: he didn’t even have the guts to meet her face-to-face. 

His friends had pushed him to tell her how he felt after he started having doubts for awhile.

She was of course upset.

Why didn’t he just approach her directly about his doubts so they could’ve worked it out between themselves? Why did he wait till his friends pushed him before he had to face her?

Even then, he didn’t even want to face her directly…

Personally, I rejoice for her.

Rejoice may be too strong of a word but it’s really important that for a life partner, you’re with someone who can protect and lead in the relationship. How could he have protected and led the relationship if he didn’t even have the integrity and courage to face her?

Yes, the would hurts today, but better today than tomorrow where the investment is so much greater. There had been cases where men who married their wives and had kids chickened out one day and simply walked out. I would rather see her crying today, than really becoming filled with dispair tomorrow.

I told Trader about this. She is after all my best friend and I like to share with him what’s going on.

He told me that before, there was actually a time when he did think about breaking up with me.

I was like, “WHAAAAAAAAATTT???!”

All the while, my Trader had been always super sweet, reliable, patient, and (insert positive adjective here). He never gave me a thought that he would’ve wanted to break up with me. In fact, I was the one who wanted to break up and he would have none of my bullshit.

Later on, he explained to me that six months in our relationship (when I thought we were shaky yet steadily proceeding in our relationship), he started getting cold feet.

“Guys get cold feet,” he explained. “It’s a fact of life. It happens when you think the relationship is changing and you’re like, ‘Oh no! It’s do or die!’”

He said that he really valued his quiet times. With me, there isn’t really much quiet time. In fact, his friends jokingly call me “Tornado Bonita” as I was always these short bursts of high energy. He tires when he’s with me…

Then a few months in our relationship, he realized that I may be the girl he could be with for the rest of his life. And he thought of his bachelor days and what he would probably be losing out of if he was with me. He would miss his quiet moments and lazy afternoons.

“How would you want it if I was playing computer games the whole weekend?” he asked. “Would you have allowed it?”

“I would if you were productive the whole week leh,” I answered. “Then you deserved the break.”

“Weekends are breakdays,” he said.

The funny thing was that I never even knew he was having these dangerous thoughts. So I asked him what changed his mind…?

“I talked to (his best friend in Singapore) when I was having these thoughts,” he replied. “And he said that regardless, you were still okay. Not bad. You should be thankful to him.”

I didn’t realize that I had his best friend’s passive support. I’ve always liked his friends, but never would I have expected that they would have been that supportive of me.

My main point is that Trader also has cold feet.

I think many people do… people just don’t realize how precious some moments can be. We take it for granted. At that point, our relationship could’ve gone — POOF! — and I would be like my best friend, left cold in the rain.

The main thing is, he got over it. Fortunately, I didn’t know so I didn’t even freak out.

Now, I hear him retell the story and I’m still not freaked out.

Actually, I think the entire process was good for him. At the very least, it showed that he was actually thinking serious thoughts earlier on instead of just taking me for a ride. If it proved that I wasn’t really the girl for me, it would’ve been good for him to cut loss at an earlier stage so that I won’t need to waste my time for him.

Fortunately, he thought otherwise. We do have our tense moments but at least, nothing as dangerous as months ago.

Hope our moments still continue.

Have a great week ahead!

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Dear Bonita,

Mom is happy for you because if Trader thinks that way, he is a responsible man.

Trader wants 2 to 3 children. For us, we wanted you to have four kids with 2-years interval. Like now, we are regretting why only have you and your little brother.

Actually for you to be able to take master for one year is already a blessing for you to experience life in school again for one year. Your being a leader in school activities is always your ACE as always you wanted to do. Your masteral studies is just a tool to sharpen your alertness and knowledge on finance. It is a way to better prepare you to be an asset to Trader when he has his own business.

Master is just like a stone that sharpen the knife. By itself, a masteral degree has nothing to be brag about. It is the knife that must be seen if can be sharpened or not. If it can be sharpened, then you can put in good use in future. You will be graduating January 2012. then while WAITING for Trader to transfer to Manila, to prepare the wedding, and to prepare to settledown. To think and start a business of his own will TAKE HIM ONE TO TWO YEARS.

So my dear Bonita, you dont have to argue now that you will not be able to practice what you learn in master. No, you got enough time to practice and at least give Trader and his family YOUR WORTH. BY THE TIME HE NEEDS YOU to help him out in his endeavour, you are ready to settledown already and really help him out in what ever business he might have in mind.

Red alert = Don’t always be too proud that you have an MBA degree and he doesn’t. It might make him feel so small as of now, dont discuss about what your Master education will bring you in terms of social position, career or circle of friends. Instead, just pray to God and let it be. God will guide your way if he chooses Trader for you for life partner.

Also, Bonita, money is not everything. Money is not what you needed. If you find Trader’s family as your kind and Trader’s partnership is what you are looking in life, then don’t argue that working in HK would bring you more wealth. What if you got all the money that you can get but lost your Trader ans and a perfect life for you back home? Is it worth it?

Money you can earn, but there is only one Trader that you can find. Not unless, he is NOT THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU and you are thinking for finding someone better than him for your life partner.

It is only you Bonita who can tell.

If Trader for you, you won’t hesitate to give up your life in HK and start a new life together with him, Actually it is not giving up your life, but just a MODIFICATION. Instead of you working hard alone, it would be A PARTNERSHIP where both of you put in whatever is good in each of you. As Uncle had said before, there is a great opportunity in the Philippines. Like what dad always said, his classmates who went abroad now regret so much and said that they should have stay here in the Philippines to build their empire.

As long as two of you can share thoughts withhout any hindrances, two of you can share secrets without afraid of being laughed at, two of you can work hard hand in hand, then the world is at your fingertips. In short, if you love him and he is your choice for life partner, go for it. Plan together with your (sino pa ba) expertise and build your own LOVE NEST with four lovely kids.

Love,
Mom

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Hi Bonita,

How did you survive this weekend with your in laws. Please share.

Love,
mom

REPLY:

Dear mom,

The weekend went really well. Trader’s family is just very warm, loving and I left the weekend feeling very loved and content. His parents are very laidback and with a good sense of humor. Both his little brother and sister have been very open to me  as if I was already part of the family. I really feel blessed , and seeing how the three siblings all bicker but love each other.

It’s just that I am spooked on what Trader has plans for us. As mentioned before, he is hoping that I go back home to the Philippines with him and start a family. He prefers two to three children if we can. I am already XX and goodness knows how I can manage to churn 2 kids within such a tight deadlines ESPECIALLY as I am not particularly good with children. I just don’t have the patience.

He wants to be the primary breadwinner, and prefers that I stay at home and take care of his little sister and our upcoming kids. If ever I work, it would be part-time and mostly hopefully to help him build “our” empire.

What I am giving up: a high monthly salary, being part of a tier-one banking franchise, my nice body (since it’s going to balloon once I have kids), and being restrained to another family. Unlike Hong Kong, the Philippines have people who know each other. There is no freedom back home and I have to stay at home and take care of the kids.

Trader promises that i can live the “tai tai” life and he will take care of me and the household, but I feel that my brains and earning power are going to waste. I didn’t take my MBA just to become a housewife and mother la. I came to get my MBA so that I can work very hard, earn a lot of money, and buy a lot of things. Okay, that just sounded very selfish but it’s the truth.

All I can say is that I am feeling pressured. Trader has of course NOT yet proposed but I really wonder if this is the type of life that I want. What happened to conquering the world? Also, Trader is pretty stubborn – actually both of us are. So I do see a life where we have numerous compromises and discussions. I want a life where the guy pretty much listens to me, and it’s difficult to be with a guy who kinda makes plans on his own and tells me about it afterward.

What happened to asking about what I want? What if I want to stay and live in Hong Kong? There’s still so much to do here, why go back to the Philippines and make “patali” (settle down)?  Yes yes, I know what mom will say. Maybe you think I am crazy but this is the truth la.

I do love Trader though. He is a good man with very good values, love kids and loves the family. He’s also very smart. I wonder though whether our paths are too different. Why cannot I stay back home in Hong Kong and do my career here? We can fly to each other on a weekly basis yes? What if he is offering me something that I do not want? What am I going to do in the Philippines?

 Anyway, love to have your opinion. I understand that you may have differing views but am panicking right now and quite unhappy.

Your loving daughter,
Bonita

**Waiting for Mom’s advice later**

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I have earlier talked about the benefits of taking a full-time MBA at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology (HKUST) here. Though many of the points are still valid seven months into the program, there are also harsh realities that I’ve discovered on my academic journey. To balance off all my praises for the program, here are a few reasons on why NOT to take your MBA at HKUST (and forgive me if I do really manage to offend anyone): 

1)      Let’s do the math. HKUST still does not have a large number of alumni in its database given its small class sizes.

INSEAD which is based in Singapore graduates around 500 students per half a year. That’s the reason why they have what they crow is a network of 20,000 alumni all around the world. HKUST on the other hand merely graduates around 115 students per 16-month cycle. Although there are still part-time support (200 students per cycle), the numbers are still meager compared to other programs that have 500 to 1,000 students per cycle. 

An alumni network does have their numerous benefits. In fact, many students prefer to go to schools where they can expand their networks. I personally came to HKUST not because of the network per se (as I strongly believe that networks can be found anytime, anywhere especially when you start working), but there are still people who believe that a strong, large alumni network is their golden ticket in finding the career that they want. Personally, I like HKUST’s alumni network: it’s small, cozy yet strong and supportive. However, if you’re expecting a number over 5,000, then you may be better suit to go for a larger number program.

 On the plus side, given that class sizes are smaller (e.g., there are 115 students in my program), you do really get to know and work with most of your classmates. This experience is unlike others where you don’t even know that you’re going in the same school! 

2)      Career-switchers beware: the MBA Career Services still have much improvement to do.

It’s been said that Harvard University has hired career counselors for the MBA students with the sole purpose of finding each and every one a stellar “Harvard-worthy” job. HKUST does not have this luxury. Yes, our MBA Career Services is nice enough and they do their best. However, the initiative is still too young to provide much help in your career search. Sure, there are career writing, interview, personality workshops available and wonderfully set by the office. However, if you are waiting for job offers to be lined up one after another, all because of what the MBA Career Services can give you, then unfortunately you’re barking up in the wrong tree. 

In short, job hunting is really majorly your effort, and not anybody else. One classmate managed to get an IBD offer from a tier-one investment bank after jumping from the consultancy field all because he attended the Training the Street Workshop in November and studied the financial modeling books available during his Christmas holidays. All of this was not because of the MBA Career Office. He had tried his luck in sending his CV via the traditional channels, succeeded in the interviews with his own efforts, and got the offer because of all the blood, sweat and tears that he went through.

In the end, jobs in China are still majorly limited to Mandarin speakers. If you can speak Mandarin, the higher the chance that you can get a better offer. Those who speak only English may find themselves quite limited in their job selections in Hong Kong but can happily find a good start of their career in Singapore where language is not as important. Harsh, but it’s just the truth. 

3)      The quality of students still largely vary, and you may find yourself stuck with slackers who wait till the very last minute to give their parts, if any.  

Given that we’re a small program, you will still bump into many people with varying priorities. Some may find career switching to be their priority. Others may want to have fun in Asia and LKF. Some don’t even do any work, and make life difficult for their groupmates. You wonder how they managed to get in. People tell you that that’s how the real world actually works (Note: I completely disagree. Many of these people would NOT last a month in banking, and yet, many of them want to switch to finance). 

A professor once wisely said that no matter which program you choose, 5% are terrific, 15% are above average, 60% are average and 20% are just blah. The same goes for HKUST. True, everyone is just wonderful people. The school really makes a big effort in finding nice, competent, diverse group of students to join the program. However, if you’re looking for alphadogs who are ambitious, aggressive and extremely competent, refer to the ratios I gave above. If you are looking for friends for life however, then HKUST is a great school to be in. Overall, the program churns out good graduates who can pull a mean analysis and presentation depending on who you compare themselves to.

4)      If you can only eat Western food, you might starve a bit or be hassled to travel 10 by bus 10 minutes away in Hang Hau MTR station. 

I know someone who could only eat Western food. We do have around three large cafeteria available that serves Chinese congee, roast duck, Japanese rice dishes, Thai dishes among others, there is only three options for those who can eat only Western food: the Coffeeshop, Unibar (yes, we do have our own bar that sells alcohol), and McDonalds. If you are the type who likes Western food and variety, then it’s highly likely you might find yourself starving a little bit more.

Then again, beggars can’t be choosers. If you’re coming to Asia to live, then you really should be open minded enough to also be open to the food. 

5)      Not all professors are created equal. And yet, overall, the professor quality was as great as I’ve expected so don’t be dissuaded. 

I’ve already taken a few classes already. Mostly I was impressed but there were a small handful of professors that were just blah. You wonder why they’re still teaching as it’s a waste of time to take their classes if it’s better to just read a book. Fortunately, these professors are actually quite rare in HKUST. In fact, I do strongly believe that even in other programs, you’d have a few professors who were blah too. In HKUST, these come far and between and overall, am happy with the elective selections and professors. 

6) Although the campus is beautiful, it’s still in the middle of nowhere.

To get to campus, you have to take the MTR (subway) to Hang Hau, take a 10-minute bus and walk up to the school. From Central, the trip will take you an average of 1 hour. If you took a taxi from Central, it will cost you HKD160 to HKD180 depending on toll fee. That’s expensive if you accumulate the costs! From the Kowloon MTR station where you get off from Airport Express, that’s HKD100 a taxi ride one-way.

Point is, it’s not too close to Central, which can be a pain especially if you have classes on the Central campus. However, if you like to be insulated from the outside world as you start your journey, then this is a great place to be.

Don’t worry if you think I’m bad mouthing the school. I am not. In fact, come to think of it, I think I’ve made a good investment in HKUST. I will however offer an update on the positives of HKUST in a future date just to balance the negatives out. There are many so do watch out for it. 

Meeting the parents tomorrow. Wish me luck. Happy weekend!

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Maybe it’s because of the 8.8 earthquake and x-sky high tsunami that hit Japan last Friday…

Or the fact that Spain’s grading was downgraded…

Or the fact that Ireland’s request of having their cost of borrowing reduced denied…

Or the fact that the US is suffering from a huge budget deficit almost to the point of no return…

Or that a nuclear reactor is said to be melting somewhere…

Maybe all of this resulted to my work of art below at today’s ArtJamming session in Harbour City in TST:

I admit it’s a bit troubling. Sickening even. Maybe a result of a weird mind?

Regardless, I started with a blank piece of canvas with the hopes of drawing a castle with a road that leads around it, but never to it. I was channeling Kafka’s The Castle of a man who wants to meet the master of the castle but in his lifetime, never really does…

Then I wanted to draw upon Confusion where a goldfish was confusingly swimming in a sea of geometric shapes only to find itself lost in the debris…

Afterwards, I thought about Focus and drew a bright red dot in the middle, with blocks surrounding it as if the purpose of the entire painting was at its centre, the red dot…

Lastly, I gave up and painted the sky purple black…

Then the buildings at silver… the windows with white and gray…

And then finally, the rain of fire.

Troubling I know. I admit it.

Some people like it, some people don’t.

Some people found it troubling and laughed nervously, while others found it to be engaging and interesting…

Some found it to be bad feng shui while others felt it was intense and something they would love to hang around their home…

Then again, it is mine. This is me.

However you want to translate it, this is my current state of being in a canvas, and no matter how dire it seems, nobody could deny its intensity.

Happy weekend!

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Our professor has asked us to do a case on Twitter, that miniblogging networking site where you tell everyone about your day at 140 words or less. Given that I’ve seen less stellar Twitter-feeds (yes, my friends… I am a snob), I will strive to ensure that my tweets are as grammatically correct as they can be.

Hence that would mean no simplified “hru?” for “how are you?” or some other weird shit like that.

As my friends often tease me of being Alphadog – and even Trader himself have wondered about the future success of our relationship because we both want to be alphadogs – I’ve decided that my twittername should be #alphatsinay.

I hope it makes sense.

At the very least, not only would Twitter give me the freedom to do some microblogging (so at least you don’t think that I’ve been ignoring you when I have been actually killing myself at school), it would also give me insight on how this site can change the world.

Registering is easy – all you had to do was to give your name, email and Twitter name. TA-DAAAA!

Anyway, I haven’t really been on a good mood lately.

Just finished a 25-slide PPT for our Strategic Management class. We were a group of five and had a week to do it. It was to be submitted today, Friday at 8:30 am.

Unfortunately, given that we’ve been ultra busy with readings, homeworks, presentations and what-nots, our group only had time to begin on Thursday afternoon.

I was also the consolidator, a very unfortunate task considering he/she has to deal with everyone else’s raw data, make it consistent and tell a story, and sleep the latest. Why the hell am I always a consolidator?

Why don’t people care enough to be THE consolidator?!

Anyway, long story short – one groupmate showed up early afternoon and was MIA after an hour, leaving me with three slides: one with a cut and paste of an Excel chart with no words explaining what it meant, another slide with a cut and paste chart from an investment bank report and one useful chart.

The others came late, and haven’t even started yet with their slides.

One groupmate proceeded to think about his bit for hours, only to type them out on PPT later. Not complaining la but it would’ve been nicer if he already put his stuff on paper, letting me go to sleep earlier.

Finished time for our PPT: 5:00am!

That’s 3.5 hours more from the deadline, but every senior citizen was already awake by then.

I want to cry.

Really tired though so gotta go to bed. After a short sleep because I was awaken by a phone call, I had to endure 7 hours of class.

Boo hoo.

Happy weekend all!

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Spent a lovely weekend in Phuket with Trader.

We spent a few days at the quiet Surin Beach where unlike the more infamous Patong beach, there were: a) less prostitutes, b) more seclusion, and c) average-wise, we were probably the youngest amongst the guests there.

It was quite nice though. Usually, when Trader and I meet, it’s in a louder place than Surin Beach. This time, we had enough time just for ourselves to do exciting activities like the following:

• Wake up and have a nice American and Thai breakfast. Of course, we share half of what we get.
• Walk around the beach scouring for a restaurant for lunch.
• Order lunch. Ensure there’s actually a huge serving of steamed fish with lemon sauce. Nom nom nom.
• Take a nap in the hotel.
• Have a one-hour massage.
• Go and have dinner. Eat steamed fish with lemon sauce again with fried rice or phad thai.
• Go back to the hotel. Do some reading for school, while he surfs the net.
• Early bedtime.
• Repeat.

In a way, this is one of the most unproductive vacations I’ve ever had. Usually, when I go out on a vacation, am always running around seeing temples here and there. However, for this vacation, as taxi costs expensive amounts just to get around everywhere, we pretty much stayed put at Surin Beach.

When he left, I hugged him tightly. It truly is nice to be with him.

 

 

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That’s what happens when you have an argument. Your heart rate goes up, your blood boils over and you just want to press the “Abort” button.

You ask yourself, “What the hell am I doing here?” not really conscious of the fact that you’re better off with him than with anybody else. In fact, it is he who should be muttering to himself, “Hell, so what am I doing with this woman?!”

Love is a funny thing.

If you want to get rid of someone, it’s so hard to. If you want them to never leave you, they do.

I guess, it’s just a matter of staying rational and take the big picture into account. Do I really love this man? What would my future be without him? What would it be with him? Do I want my sons to be like his father?

Trader is not a bad man. He is in fact a good man. My mother for example, loves him to death.

However, sometimes I feel it’s not really working out. Today is 0ne of these days when actually, I don’t know but I don’t really have much to say. It’s not as if our arguments are serious enough to deserve an apologies, but I really don’t know what to say.

What happens when you don’t know what to say anymore?

You — what makes you give up when the other person is still dancing?

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Thanks to th HKUST MBA Diners Club, we all managed to go to Kowloon Bay and bake ourselves a yummy fat inducing hazelnut chocolate cake.

Presenting my creation below.

I feel like a proud mommy.

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And don’t ever let anyone tell you differently.

The part-time program in HKUST is 24 months versus the full-time’s 16 months, and yet the difference couldn’t be any more starker. The difference lies not in the quality of education as we do share many of our best professors, nor is it in the school facilities and support as HKUST is indeed quite supportive of its part-time students even to the point of assigning career counselors especially for this group.

Instead, the difference lies in the student themselves: the part-time MBA students are less committed to the program because they are distracted by so many other priorities such as their jobs, their families and their other interests. And given that as a rule that you take whatever you put in, the part-timers get a lot less from the program not because it’s the program’s fault, but rather because it’s their perogative not to put more because of <<insert excuses here>>.

Now, don’t tell me I’m being harsh. If anything, I am only being truthful.

And though I have met some part-timers that are completely A-1 and stellar, people that I would love to work with in the present and the future, most of them are blahs. Specifically:

- Many are not sensitive about the time (e.g., they are often late). I sat in a popular class on Saturday where most part-timers are enrolled. The full-timers have the weekday class, while respectful of their work schedules, part-timers have the Saturday class.

The class started at 9am. To my surprise, at 9am, there were around 5 part-timers there in a class of 40. What the hell? In a full-timer class, the classroom would’ve been full by then.

The part-timers rolled in one after another between 9am to 9:15 am. The professor started at 9:15 am and even then, there were a few late comers.

Not only that, some even dared to fall asleep in class. Embarrassing. Others were looking at the professor with blank stares as if they couldn’t follow. When the professor asked them a question, they looked as if they were high.

I know it’s Saturday but this is like with everyone else. I know you’re tired with all the work and etc. etc. but an MBA is a commitment. How can you do things half-way? Are you really like that at work?

I found their extreme tardiness very unprofessional. How is it that they can dare show up at work 1 hour late for example? And this is what happened in one of my evening classes that started at 7pm.

One after another, not one, but NINE (9) students rolled in between 7pm to 8pm, rudely passing by the professor who is the Head of Financial Stategy in a top-tier investment bank and disrupting the class.

I know they are busy but if they were late, could they not just come by the break as not to disrupt the class? People paid good money for our excellent MBA education but you are not only rude, but totally unprofessional. I am embarrased to have been affiliated with these naughty group of people.

To top it off, I’ve heard stories that people would talk loudly in class while the professor was teaching. Who were the culprits? Not the full timers.

In terms of business etiquette, it’s amazing to see how simple things as being on time are being ignored. Being part time means that you may have far more excuses to NOT be engaged, but it does not give you the right to be inconsiderate of other people! It makes me really mad to see how quite a few of them are not displaying habits that should be highlighted from a #6 MBA program.

Mind you, the full-timers are not always very innocent. But we do our best to be there on time, act in a very respectful manner and at least, display some good business etiquette.

I found the part-timers’ decorum, or at least some of them, quite lacking.

SO — if you are deciding between a part time or a full-time degree, IF YOU CAN AFFORD IT, make the better choice and enroll in a full-time program.

The mindset is so much different and you are far more committed to the program. Given that you get what you put in, it is essential that your mindset is geared towards learning as much as you can in these 16 months and to try to get the most out of your career path. In a way, an MBA is a wise investment so just taking an MBA part time for the sake of having those three letters on your CV is silly. If you haven’t even invested the effort and time to learn about the subject thoroughly, you’re just wasting your time.

I understand that there will be part-timers reading this, and if this hurts you, I apologize.

I do hope that you understand that I am NOT judging all part-timers as a group, but more of a still large group of part-timers who do not take their studies seriously and are really inconveniencing those who are. Put yourself in our shoes: It is really an embarrassment to see those who carry the school flag become excessively tardy and exhibit unprofessional behavior.

So I hope you make the right choice.

There are many benefits of being part time, most of which getting to keep your job and income. But I do see a quality gap in general. So don’t ever think there is none.

So if you can – full time or part time? Make your choice but I have already given you my honest to goodness answer.

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Written last February 11 and wasn’t posted:

Trader flying over to Hong Kong tomorrow for our once-a-month-let’s-see-each-other trip, romantic.

The fact that he’s informed me not to have any expectations for a gift because he didn’t have any. Trader doesn’t lie about these things. He really doesn’t have anything prepared.

Unromantic.

The fact that he thinks that even writing a Valentine’s card is too much effort.

Unromantic.

The fact that I am uncomfortable that just because we have been together for almost two years, he doesn’t do anything romantic for me now. Last February, I got a card, a bracelet and a small teddy-bear. Romantic.

The fact that he thinks that…

Aiya, no use to think too much now. I am just mentally exhausted with school and add me to this issue.

Was so looking forward to a relaxing Valentine’s Day weekend with him.

Argh.

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It’s been said that we ask more questions when we’re purchasing a big ticket item like a car or a house, than about the guy we want to get married to. Take my older sister for example, she was old enough that it made her desperate. When her boyfriend wanted to marry her, she said yes to him despite the fact that:

- he didn’t let her kiss him because he insisted that the future “mother of his children” should remain pure till their wedding day *Side note: I personally think he’s g-a-y, because in my limited experience, guys who like you… cannot seem to get enough of you.*

- he didn’t carry her stuff or plastic bags. When they visited our house to get my dad’s blessing, my mom gave them stuff to take home and he didn’t even help her. Red flag right there.

- he almost slammed the door in her face when entering the room because he was so far ahead of her.

Look, marriage is ideally for life. Divorce was just a new thing before and one shouldn’t think of even the possibility of divorce when you’re marrying someone. Hence, it’s equally important that you find someone who share the same beliefs as you do. Just skimming off the top and finding someone to marry is enough.

Case in point: Trader.

It’s obvious that ours is a pretty serious relationship. We’ve talked about marriage from time to time but Trader has yet to propose. No matter.

Given that I am irritatingly inquisitive who don’t hesitate to make her boyfriend feel uncomfortable if only to get awkward issues out in the open, we’ve had our debates on our discussion about children, finances and even dietary choices.

For example, Trader is Catholic. I am Protestant Christian. My Aunt and Uncle are Protestant missionaries. My dad is non-believer.

He wants OUR kids to go to Philippine Catholic schools. I was like, “What?”

I mean, I don’t mind letting my son go to Xavier which is an adequately good school back home. The education is more than fair and the connections you make are quite decent. But I refused to let my daughter go to its female counterpart (e.g., Xavier School is an all-boys school in the Philippines) just because it’s Catholic.

Doode, I didn’t know that until we’ve opened up such conversation.

Or or, who handles the money? Will it be joint accounts or separate accounts? MY mom taught me that it’s important for females to have their own accounts away from the family as well. This allows you to buy certain luxuries without feeling guilty you’re taking away money from the family.

“I handle funds better,” Trader had said. “So I should manage the household income.”

Touche Trader, I do not deny his mathematical skills are poor. But I don’t control the money of the household? What the…? Which Chinese girl would allow her husband to control the money supply? That makes her super dependent on the guy!

Or or, what type of food your family should eat?

“In my family, I want our kids and you to eat 70 to 80% veggies so at least it’s healthy…”

“What about meat, pork and chicken?” I sincerely asked. Seriously, I am NOT a rabbit. I do not eat grass for a habit.

“Oh, we will ensure that our family would have mostly fish and vegetable diet…” he explained.

My face:

Seriously. I work really hard so that I can consume all those delicious steaks and pork ribs and you insist that our entire family should be healthy and eat mostly veggies and fish?!

“Research had said that vegetables and fish diets reduce the risk of cancer,” Trader said.

“I don’t care. I want my meat,” I stubbornly insisted. “I suggest a compromise: we hire a cook, and you eat what you want and I get to prepare what I want. The kids can pick which meal they want to consume.”

“A family that eats together stays together,” Trader replied. “How can we eat different dishes?”

“Then why do you insist that our family adopt the diet of a farmer! No meat? That’s a poor man’s diet!” I said. In the Philippines, vegetables are not as popular. My dad for example does NOT eat vegetables because that is what farmers eat. If you could afford it, you’d eat mostly meat and the meal is complemented by veggies.

“But we live like expats,” he laughed. In Hong Kong, expats ridiculous amount of money to eat a lot of grass and veggies. It’s so funny culturally from back home.

I pout again. In my mind I was thinking:

Geez, I am such a commitment phobic.

Anyway, my point being, a lot of couples don’t really talk about these things — and they should. The people they’re marrying has to be people who are open to discussions and compromise. Sometimes you just never realized just how stubborn your man is until you address these deceptively simple issues.

Talk talk talk. Get to know each other more.

Don’t just think about marrying the guy unless you’re really confident that you’ve gotten your bases quite covered. That means a lot of uncomfortable discussions and an even larger amount of give and take.

Love is not enough.

Loving but being reasonable may be the best way to go.

Have a good weekend ahead!

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A lot of my you who read my blog loyally may have a lot of opinions about me. But let me share with you what others think of me. And all I can say is that I’m not really sure whether I should cheer or weep on what people are talking about me. These words are:

Aggressive.

Competitive.

Driven.

Slavedriver.

Perfectionist.

Focused.

After 6 months in the full-time MBA program, everyone already has a pretty good idea on each other’s competencies, personalities, traits and habits. The above is mine.

And whereas in the United States, the above may actually be good things to be associated with, in my program, it puts me at the very end of the curve. During voluntary group formations, it does actually put me as an disadvantage. Some people don’t want to be grouped with me and of course, the knowledge of this hurts me.

Here’s one example on how bad I can be and why people avoid me for group formations.

This week, our group met for the very first time last Monday. The group was made voluntarily of six people all of whom have very weak knowledge of the subject at hand (of course, otherwise, we wouldn’t take the class, right?).

At the meeting, everyone was tasked of picking five stocks out of the 30 listed in the Dow Jones Industrial Average. These consist of some of the more boring, stable companies in the United States inclusive of P&G, McDonalds, Chevron, Exxon Mobile and the likes.

One groupmate who arrived late because he had class had this stock to suggest: “Google,” he said.

The rest of the team laughed nervously. “Ummm… that’s actually part of the NASDAQ.”

“Oh really?” he said surprised, oblivious to the fact that he was just saying goobly-dook and never even checked on what the assignment is all about. “Then let’s pick Apple.”

“Ummm… Apple is ALSO part of the NASDAQ,” one groupmate answered.

The man didn’t even read the homework much less did work on it. Unfortunately, given this is a voluntary group, I had a talk with him on this. “Look, you have to be prepared before going to these meetings,” was my message.

His excuse: “But the others aren’t prepared. When I went to my Strategic Management meeting, none of us read our case even.”

His complaint: “Why are you picking on me?”

What. the. hell.

Dude, the man didn’t even do his homework, came prepared and just said something totally random that’s not even part of the homework. And we’re to be pleased?

Am sorry but the days of just latching on to a group’s effort is over. There are no free riders in the house.

Hence, my reputation about me being un-chill spread today.

What. the. hell.

Seriously people, I don’t really care if you don’t know the answer so long as you admit it. There’s no shame in saying that you were too busy so was unable to keep up with the schoolwork but will do better next time. But seriously, if the assignment is about picking a fast food company, you don’t turnaround and suggest companies like Amazon or Netflix.

That just means that you’re lazy, didn’t even bother to find out what’s been asked, or just a slacker.

Some people have told me that I should count my lucky stars that he’s even in the meeting. Trader mentions that it’s in inefficiencies that people profit and there are no downsides in telling people what they should and should not do.

“We’re all adults here,” he advised. “Let him do whatever he wants.”

Sigh, on hindsight, my smart boyfriend is right. But it’s part of my nature to see such idiocyncracies continue within the group. It’s unproductive, wrong and unfair for us to waste our time from someone who’s completely clueless in what’s going on.

People who are concerned had asked me about this rumor. Of course, they have worked with me previously and want to get news from the source. Ironically, those who have worked with me before have many good things to say about me such as:

Efficient.

Fast.

Good output.

Result-oriented.

Dependable.

And was wondering why the hell people were starting to talk again.

Unfortunately, I’d have to tell the story all over again, which doesn’t hurt me but hurts the receiver more because it highlights his unpreparedness for the meeting.

I wish people would just shut up about it. I don’t think it’s really a rampant rumor but hopefully, if people have heard something, they can come straight to me direct.

MBAs are truly overrated.

I have met a lot of very very good people in my program, but have also met people that make you scratch your head with wonder and say, “How the hell did they even survive in their jobs without getting fired?”

Though there are tons of people I would hire from our program, there are also a lot of people I wouldn’t hire. Which is a bit of a pity because they’re really good in bullshitting but that’s it. Everything else is just shit.

Sorry, am upset as you may know. But what are you going to do if you were me?

I’d be fine after a good night’s sleep.

Nighteo.

 

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Trader flew in last Friday for Valentine’s Day with at least a Valentine’s Day card and an apologetic grin. He found my letter to be “hilarious,” and did his best to reassure me that he’s in it for the long-run.

We talked. We made a lot of compromises. I cried in anger. He took it in.

Anyway, we spent a lovely weekend eating seafood in Cheng Chau Islands.

Those who were in Hong Kong knew that Saturday was a pretty cold day and in trying to look good for Trader, I was wearing flats and a nice sailor dress outfit.

BAD IDEA.

As a result, I’ve been sniffing and coughing the whole of today. I am sick and seriously, it’s awful. I couldn’t even breathe properly through my nose because it’s darn blocked. On my desk are lots of tissue paper, all used and soggy.

Grumble, grumble. Happy Valentine’s Day to all.

Crap crap crap.

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Fact: I am very happy that you’re flying here. I’ve missed you and it’ll be great to see you again.

 

My mind is just exhausted from Spring semester but let me try to explain myself. What I’ve heard today is a big clue as to where the relationship stands, and where it is going.

 

Whereas a small band of women find V-day to be unimportant, I am a part of a larger group of women who gets tickled with the opportunity that for a few times a year, we get to celebrate our love and relationship. There are a few important occasions: our anniversary, our birthdays, Christmas and NY, and Valentine’s Day. It may sound a lot especially for your pocket, but bee, it’s more of the thought that counts. The gesture need not be an expensive gift, but more of the effort. From one who loves to the other.

 

For example, last Valentine’s, there was a gift and a card in order. I still wear the gift but treasure the words you wrote because I know words don’t come as naturally for you, so reading them means a lot. On my birthday, I got a card that was late, and only because I asked for it. On the card, there was no “I love you.” Putting your earlier and later letters side by side, it seems that they’re written by different two people. The first from a guy in love, and the other, more of a friend who “whoops, forgot my birthday.”

 

Being your girlfriend for almost two years doesn’t mean that the romance ends. There are many inexpensive ways to be romantic. It doesn’t even have to cost anything. But the fact that you choose to forgo the effort makes me sad. A nice dinner is of course nice. But a person who forgets a Valentine’s can also book a restaurant. I am unsure though if your lack of effort is more of a sign of complacency. If our relationship is tiring, then it seems it doesn’t have enough firepower. Am okay with that but please let me know so I don’t have to exert as much effort on you as well.

 

I love you and you make me happy. I ALWAYS appreciate the things you do for me. But I sense that effort to do things have faded. It’s faded because I have to remind you of things you used to do naturally. Likewise you feel I am being unappreciated for all that you’ve spent on me so far. I believe that you feel that I’m nagging and are getting more impatient. You’ve raised your voice. Several times. I’ve mentioned this a few times already.

 

A loving couple gets better in time. Not worse. You may disagree, but I think that though we fight less, the heart is slowly but surely no longer there. It’s those little things that doesn’t seem to matter that kills. If such small efforts cannot even be made, what then about the big things? What else should I expect? Though I think we’re moving forward, at this rate, I don’t think it really fits my timeline. There’s no longer any sense of urgency and I feel this. And though we may have invested a lot in this relationship, the opportunity cost for inaction is more expensive for me than it is for you. And that isn’t really ideal for me. 

 

Fortunately, I’m an optimist. We will both be okay. Your business would do very well and you’ll find more time freed to succeed. I have and always will believe in you.

 

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Allow me to be a bit obnoxious for a bit, but let me tell you a little secret.

Everytime someone subscribes to my blog by inputting their email addresses on this teeny-tiny box on your right, WordPress sends me this little email saying that I’ve gotten a new subscriber.

And despite my most rational senses, as a writer/blogger, it does send a few big smiles to my face. It’s as if I’m collecting new friends who care about my life and whatnots.

It also means that people appreciate your updates. That they find your writings hopefully as witty. That they see themselves as your friends.

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. Moved to three different sites and finally popping by WordPress and staying, vowing never to move again unless threatened with her life.

So would you be so kind, if you do enjoy what you’re reading, to subscribe to my blog?

Pretty please?

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When people hear that I’m in a long distance relationship, their mouths go agape and immediately forecast impending doom. “Oooh, long distance relationships does NOT work. How can you be far apart from each other THAT long?”

I sincerely don’t know. Trader and I have been doing this for the last year and nine months and we’re still going strong. I would even go further and say that despite our ups and downs, our relationship has actually strengthened with the distance.

For example, because we’re in different countries, Trader doesn’t have to swallow me whole. I can be quite a handful so the distance allows him to become more comfortable with my hecticness a day at a time.

I can also control my temper better. As I have a bad temper, I easily blow up. However, the fact that Trader is asleep and cannot be waken makes me a lot more patient. Despite the temptation to just change my relationship status in Facebook to single, I hold myself back and we somehow work it out the next morning when he calls me up and we talk our issue over.

Trader says that our successful relationship is due to him and I do agree. He’s the more level-headed person between the two of us and it’s true what they say, “In a relationship, only one person can get mad at a time.”

If both get mad, this ensues:

Not good at all.

So a long distance works if both partners are truly committed to it. Though it may be crazy to remain committed to someone whom you don’t see very often, I don’t see how it can work if you have one feet inside and the other feet waiting to leap at the next opportunity. There must be that essence of not giving up, no matter what.

In a way, it’s like a marriage. Given the fragility of the relationship, you really can’t give up at the first opportunity. Otherwise, once the other person agrees, then it’s over. A potentially good relationship may go down the drain.

“I don’t care. I deserve better than this,” you may huff during one of your lover spats. However, despite being justified with your anger, there’s nothing wrong in stopping and thinking whether what we’re angry about is actually quite reasonable or not.

“But he should know what pisses me off, right?!” you ask. “Why do I even have to tell him?”

Guys aren’t really fortune tellers. Quite contrary, though quite susceptible to suggestions, they cannot guess what is on our minds. Remember: “COMMON SENSE IS NOT REALLY THAT COMMON.”

I have a rule when fighting with Trader. It’s this: If Trader does something to piss me off, I do explode with anger but we do try our best to focus on the issue instead and come up with an agreement to ensure he doesn’t do it again.

For example, though girlfriends may look in envy to see Trader calling and emailing me this often while he’s on vacation (he’s in Sydney at the moment with his friends), I calmly explain to them that this was not always the case. Trader used to go back to Manila and not call me because he was just too busy with family stuff.

In the end, I got tired of him disappearing just like that so we agreed that if he was away, he should still contact me at least ONCE a day via email, text message or call. His choice his mode of communication but he must do it because I need it as a reminder that we’re good and he loves me.

Crazy I know – but the request is reasonable enough. Even though Trader doesn’t understand why I need a regular reminder, it’s MY thing and he respects that. And if this is something minimum he needs to do — and remember, once a day won’t kill you — then he’ll happily do it.

He’s been emailing/texting/calling me once a day during his trips and we’re both happy.

But this wouldn’t had been resolved if I focused on my anger and not tell him what’s bothering me. I would still be pissed off to this day if we focused on the issue instead of agreeing to something that works for both of us.

Now, if Trader forgets to contact me once a day, I have a right to be angry. We have an agreement so how dare does he not do it? Hoewver, he does it so we’re both good.

A relationship has to be give and take. I do the same to him as well. When he makes a request, I also do my best to accommodate. I’ve come to realize that it’s not a good thing if we’re always stubborn and say, “This is how I am. He better accept me for who I am.” because hey, not everyone is perfect.

Are you perfect?

I’m not.

So imagine that he too sees your flaws and points them out to you. What do you think would happen to the relationship if you carried an “I don’t care” attitude? If the request is reasonable enough, then I think there’s no harm in giving way.

So I don’t think a long distance relationship is that bad. Trader for example is visiting me next week so happy days are coming soon. Again, our relationship isn’t perfect, but there’s a lot of things I’m thankful about.

Remember, it’s not your fights that matter. It’s how you deal with them that counts.

Have a great week ahead!

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Just got back from a fun-filled, stress-filled midnight watching 15 minutes of fireworks at Ho Chih Minh.

Finding a taxi was just a complete pain. To our surprise, Vietnamese peeps are just thieves especially if they know you’re a foreigner.

For eample, a Vietnamese sandwich which costs VND10,000 cost VND20,000 tonight!

A taxi which costs VND40,000 costs VND500,000 (USD25.5). Are you freaking me?!

Anyway, it’s so unfortunate that a country so beautiful could have so many unethical citizens? The list just goes on and on how locals try to take advantage of the foreigners every chance they get.

Oh well, it’s like 3am in Hong Kong and an hour earlier in Vietnam.

Happy Chinese new year ahead!

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The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that finding love and an internship/job is more or less the same. Here are the many ways:

1) The one you end up with may be the least you’d expect.

When I was looking for an internship, I came out with a target list of the top 12 banks I’d like to work with. There were the usual names: the GS, the MS, the ML-BoAs among others. My former employer was also part of this list (hell, why not?).

This is similar to how we come out with our dating list. We want someone who went to a certain school, comes from a specific race, of a specific height range, of a specific age. Personally, my list is this guy must be 6 feet tall, speaks perfect English, not from where I’m from, etc.

Trader btw is an exception to my rule. He actually debunks many of the stereotypes that I want for a boyfriend. Though he is taller, he is not THAT tall, his English carries a heavy accent and he is 2 years younger than I am. Surprising!

However, I’m glad that I gave him a chance, the same way that I’m glad that I went to a career recruitment talk with a company that wasn’t in my top 12 list.

In the end, Trader blew me away as this company who left me with such a good impression after the talk. We continued on and bam, good things happen. This wouldn’t have happened if I have scratched Trader/the firm off my list. If I did that, I wouldn’t be this happy right now.

Lesson here: Be flexible. Sometimes, God doesn’t give us exactly what we want. Instead, He gives us something better.

2) Still be on your best side when you’re on that date/interview. And don’t feel bad if you don’t get the next.

When you’re in a date, give it your best shot but not to the point that you’re no longer being yourself. Just be yourself, and see if it’s really a right fit. If your guy doesn’t give you a call again to followup on a second date/interview, feel bad about it but know that nothing is personal.

I wouldn’t have been able to find my last job if I wasn’t rejected from a job by DeBeers. And I was way happier with my last job than when I was at DeBeers.

But what would happen if I got so discouraged that I didn’t put myself out there again? Do you think I would’ve taken Trader’s invitation for some lunch/tea/dinner? Of course not. I’d scratch him off and just go my merry way.

When you get rejected from a date/interview, be sad but brush the dust off and move on. There’s no need to stay in the ground THAT long. Trust that what is meant to be would be yours, and what is not, well, you wouldn’t like that place/dude anyway.

Sounds like a sourgrape I know but hell, makes me feel better.

Personally speaking, the interview I had with this firm came a day after I got rejected from another firm. I was really down about it and totally disappointed. Of course, I wanted to have THAT FIRM WHO REJECTED ME!

Luckily, Trader shook me off my depressive state and reminded me that I should focus on birds I have on my hand instead of those that have already flown away. He again built up my confidence which allowed me to shine more brightly on the next firm’s interview. It would’ve been very disastrous if I took the past personally and moped.

Thanks baby.

3) Don’t just wait for the better offer. Though the grass often seems greener in the other side, more often than not, it’s really not.

A bird in your hand is worth more than a bird in the air.

I think that if you already have a good guy in front of you, you really have to be content with what you have and take this guy and run with it. If it doesn’t work out, move on. But DO NOT wait for something better to come around because that’s hoping for something that may or may not happen.

Same with job hunting. Personally, my motto is to only apply to companies that I like so that no matter who gives me an offer, I still come out a winner. If it’s a company I would not even consider myself working in, I wouldn’t even bother to apply. What for?

Take for example this bank — am not applying to this bank although I know they’re hiring aggressively. Why?

Because Trader’s ex girlfriend works there.

Haha, bad reason I know. But hell, that’s my reason.

So same with job hunting, only go out with guys that you are most likely to give a chance (though as rule #1 had said, lower your standards man!) and when someone gives an offer, do give this guy a break.

Who knows? It may lead to something more, and you’ll be way happier for it.

I know I am.

Happy Chinese New Year!

 

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Those who’s been reading my blog know that Trader’s parents don’t like me as much. They have done all they can to discourage him from dating me even to the point of once giving the ultimatum that he had to break up with me or else.

At first, I was completely hurt by their judgemental decisions. Is there anything really wrong with me? Why do they hate me if they don’t even know me? Trader and I used to fight about it a lot because I took what his parents said personally.

Fortunately, Trader stuck it out. Even when I offered to break up with him because I knew just how important parental approval is to a good Chinese son, he refused to break up with me, promising that we would instead work something out.

I think to all those who face a lot of hate from potentially future parents in laws, we just have to remember that though we ourselves cannot control how other people think of us, it is still more important to care most about what your PARTNER thinks about the situation.

For example, if our partner couldn’t take the heat and pressure from his parents, then the relationship couldn’t really stand on its two feet now and forever. Imagine marrying a pussy who succumbs to everything his parents say? What do you think would happen to your married life and how much influence your future-in-laws may have in your family if in case you and hyour partner successfully walks down the aisle?

Then, for your and your partner’s sanity, it may be better to break it off now. Though you may love him, if he doesn’t have the balls to fight for you this early stage of the relationship, then just cut loss. Break. it. off.

A man needs to have the courage to stand up for you and your future together. A relationship after all may receive influence from external factors like his parents, your parents, and other things, but in the end, the most important is how are you together? In the end, it’s just you and the guy, and how you manage your world together and with other people?

Though the parents’ opinion and approval do matter, they should not dictate your relationship. And any guy that allows that to happen is not a guy that’s worth your time and effort. Because life would really suck afterwards when you’re married.

I am glad that Trader had the balls to stand up for us.

Admittedly, our relationship is not perfect. We’re both not perfect and we do make our mistakes. However, what I do appreciate being with Trader is the fact that he refuses to give up on us.

“We’ve been working through many of our issues already and ironed it out,” he told me last week. “Why would we just throw it away? If we have an issue, WE WORK IT OUT.”

And I think that’s what makes me love Trader more.

Because a cute, rich, intelligent guy is a dime a dozen. But a guy who stands by you no matter what?

Wow, that’s just a needle in a haystack.

Have a great weekend ahead!

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I’m a bit tired on being in front, where I’m exposed and waiting for people to say things about me.

Why is it that people judge you so harshly when they themselves refuse to put themselves in your shoes. “She is competitive, aggressive and I dislike her,” they’d say amongst themselves.

Well, if they are as productive and as efficient, then feel free to judge. Do you think that I am fine to carry this burden, this responsibility, this drive to contribute if you yourself is carrying your own slack? However, you refuse to also carry the burden I have so I can merely relax and do nothing, I tihnk you’re being unfair.

I hate superficial people who do nothing but bicker and complain about other people. Seriously, you are completely boring. How can you even have the time to gossip about other people without telling her in her face. If you have an issue with me, be brave enough to tell it straight to my face. Otherwise, you are irresponsible and a coward and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just stop working. I have everything I need anyway. The stuff I do right now, I do because hell, I do them very very well and used to get paid top dollar for it. And you, who do not contributre stand by the side and openly criticize productive work?

Sigh, I sometimes wonder if it’s better ot study in an American university where I would be the mean rather than the exception. How I wish there was someone who was more aggressive and competitive than I am to show others that actually, I do things not because I compete with you (in all honesty, I am too bothered to even look at my neighbors as compteition), but rather because it’s my nature.

I have always been running around, organizing events, making things happen. That’s part of my DNA as you are in complaining, doing nothing and bickering. Throughout my life, I’ve always been a doer. While you?

Honestly, I don’t know if it’s myself or others who have a problem.

I don’t really have the sensitivity, consideration and patience to really care what you think because I am far too busy doing this and that to bother. I am ranting however because I think it’s very hypocritical of one to complain when one is doing nothing.

Anyway, rant out. No more waste time on you la.

In the end, I don’t really care if you like me or not.

But I do command respect.

And we both damn know that I get shit done.

And I NEVER say bad things about you.

So seriously, *bleep* you.

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My boyfriend wants me to shut up.

He thinks I talk far too much and after a hard day’s work, all he wants is to relax in front of the TV, enjoy the silence, and have me cook a nice steak dinner for him.

I told him he should start looking for another girl.

Why?

Because I’m intrinsically talkative.

Because I like to drive myself and everyone around me nuts with constant stories, chismis (gossip), and interesting useless tidbits of everything I see around me.

Because I have interests and I read. Because I travel. Because I strive to be higher up the food chain, and stress myself with details that women usually don’t stress about.

Like how to make my program better. Like how to push people to find their ideal jobs. Like how to get rid of that useless boyfriend of yours.

I have opinions. And you found it interesting when you first met me.

And now, you complain because I cannot shut up?

“Shhhh… I love you. I want to be with you,” he then tells me after my angry tirade.

I shut up.

And it was quiet again as we cuddle.

Aiya, guys want it all la.

They want someone interesting yet unboring. They want a woman they can be proud of, but they don’t want to hear about the hassles of a woman who’s striving up the ladder. If you are in between — if you are an average woman — then they’re bored. Zzzzzzzzzzzz….

 Overall, I think it still plays better to be interesting than to be boring.

Because being interesting works for you in the long run.

Being boring gets old fast.

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A lot of foreign girlfriends I meet wonder how Chinese girlfriends have such doting boyfriends.

They wonder about the dynamics of these relationships that produce boyfriends who are attentive, adoring, and even willing to do all household chores. Often, these foreign girlfriends wonder whether they will be able to have such boyfriends too. Well, I can tell you that anyone can be a Chinese girlfriend, if you are able to enforce some basic rules.

Here are some of the things my boyfriend is required to do:

• carry my purse in public
• not complain about carrying my purse in public
• text me his coordinates every hour outside of school/work hours
• spend the weekend with me (except in special circumstances)
• befriend only married female classmates/colleagues
• cook exquisite meals
• buy me a thoughtful present every month
• coax me into forgiving him when he makes a mistake

I’m using the term “Chinese girlfriend/s” loosely.

What I mean by this term is, certain Chinese girls living in Shanghai.

What I really mean by this term is, ME, so don’t get your panties all in a twist.

I just like the idea that I represent an entire population because I have the best boyfriend in the world. Just take “Chinese girlfriend/s” as “girls who act like I do.”

I also use the term “foreign girlfriend/s” loosely. It just refers to “girls who don’t act like I do, because they are from a different culture, so are less likely to know how to act like I do without these specific instructions.”

When foreign girlfriends think they have their boyfriends under control, they have no idea what control really means.

For example, my foreign friend who thinks she is rather strict with her boyfriend (who lives in nearby Hangzhou) requires that he calls her for at least 15 minutes every night before bed so they can catch up and tell each other about everything going on in their lives. He must also come visit her in Shanghai at least once a month.

My response: Are you kidding me?! When my boyfriend went to Nanjing on a six-month internship, I required the following:

• a phone call in the mornings before work
• a text during lunch breaks
• a text when leaving work
• a 1,000-character email in the evenings, emoticons not counted
• a phone call before bed to tell me anything he may have left out
• visits every weekend, except in exceptional circumstances (such as company events on Saturday, in which case I went to visit him)

Foreign girlfriends are extremely obsessed with giving their boyfriends enough “space.” In my own small-scale study, a comparison of my 8 foreign girlfriend colleagues and 10 Chinese girlfriend colleagues, 99% of the foreign girlfriends said giving their boyfriends lots of freedom and “breathing room” was important for a healthy relationship.

By contrast, 0% of the Chinese girlfriends felt the same way.

Instead, all these Chinese girlfriends argued that allowing some distance and so-called “freedom” for themselves and their boyfriends meant they were not committed to the relationship, and that their failure to put tight leashes on their partners meant it would be their fault if the men strayed.

What Chinese girlfriends understand is that for any relationship to succeed, you must throw yourself 100% into it. Sometimes, that 100% seems like clinginess, insecurity, and neediness to foreigners, but it is actually good for Chinese men’s psyches. An attentive and demanding girlfriend is a girlfriend who cares. Chinese girlfriends ask for 100% but also give 100% back.

I am willing to do things that many foreign women find uncomfortable, such as pluck my boyfriend’s unibrow in public, do his homework, throw tantrums in public. But all this is for my man’s confidence, even the tantrums; it shows that he means the world to a beautiful Chinese girl.

He is an all-important man capable of provoking female passions.

Unlike many foreign girlfriends who give up hope and break up with their boyfriends when the inevitable disagreements happen, Chinese girlfriends see arguments as positive occurrences that continuously develop the relationship.

But our way of showing displeasure is unique.

Foreign couples are vocal, which leads to more problems when neither partner is willing to concede defeat.

An argument with a Chinese girlfriend, on the other hand, goes like this:

Chinese girlfriend (CG): How dare you!
Boyfriend (B): Huh?
CG: Not talking to you! Hurt my feelings!
B: Baby, what did I do wrong?
CG: [No reply, turns her back to him.]
B: Baby, I’m so sorry…
CG: [A delicate tear falls down her cheek, followed by a sob.]
B: Please forgive me, I’ll never hurt you again.
CG: [Turns her teary face to him with a forgiving smile.]
B: I love you! [Wraps his arms around her.]

Now, in the above situation, the Chinese girlfriend is able to make it known to her boyfriend that he has done something to upset her, but she does not make him lose face by explaining exactly what it is he has done wrong. That he understands he was wrong is enough.

Then, she gives him the chance to hōng 哄 her, or coax her into forgiving him. This way, she gives him the fun of a challenge, confidence in his coaxing abilities, and the pleasure of a successful re-wooing.

Chinese girlfriends can get away with things that foreign girlfriends can’t. Foreign girlfriends call their boyfriends by sweet endearments — “Honey,” “sweetheart,” “darling,” that sort of thing.

 But for Chinese girlfriends, the real sign of affection is in insult. The top three things I call my boyfriend:

1. 猪头 Zhū tóu, meaning “pig head,” “moron.” Very popular among young Chinese.
2. 阿呆 Ādāi, meaning “dummy.” Comparable to foreign habit of affectionately and occasionally referring to your little brother as dummy. Except, you know, I use it for my boyfriend, constantly.
3. 窝囊废 Wōnángfèi, meaning “good-for-nothing,” “loser.” When I told a foreign colleague that I liked calling my boyfriend these things, she looked really upset, like she wanted to cry or something. She actually had to leave the office, take the rest of the day off.

What an Ādāi herself! But it was okay; the next day, she was back at work, and brought along this book about real Chinese words used by Chinese people, called Niubi! by one Eveline Chao. My colleague had highlighted this passage, which she said helped her understand my flippant meanness:

…Chinese people, perhaps as a result of their collective thick skin, tend to demonstrate affection by being mean. Or rather, they speak frankly to each other in a way that, for them, indicates a level of familiarity that only a close relationship can have. But, to outside observers, it resembles, at best, a sort of constant, low-level stream of verbal abuse. For a young Chinese woman, there is no better way to express love for her boyfriend than by whacking him with her purse while telling him he’s horrible.

Wow, I thought when I read this. I whacked my boyfriend while telling him he was horrible last week.

It’s been too long; I must remember to do it again today.

Chinese girlfriends can order their boyfriends to pay attention to them. Foreign girlfriends can only hope that their charming qualities, patience and understanding will instill such devotion. They have to tip-toe around their own wants, needs and longings and try to persuade themselves that they are modern women who don’t need a “suffocating” male presence in their lives and that they don’t have the time to “smother” anyone either.

Foreign girlfriends care too much about respecting their boyfriends’ individuality. By contrast, Chinese girlfriends believe that the best way to nurture a relationship is by stripping their boyfriends of individuality, so that existence as a couple – complete with its many rules and expectations — is the only existence these men will know, and be able to survive in.

P.S. Writer CHINESE GIRLFRIEND is channeling Amy Chua of current parenting-controversy fame, whose piece in the Wall Street Journal was hilarious… and hilariously bad. However, her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, which I am in the middle of, is a very funny, touching, self-effacing, complicated work. The 1-star reviews of the book appear to be mostly from people who haven’t read it and are reacting to the WSJ piece. Pity. Update: Have finished Chua’s book. One of the best memoirs ever. Instant classic. When she starts obsessing over whether she can train her dog like she trained her daughters, you know she’s started to doubt herself.

Source: http://shanghaishiok.com/2011/01/14/why-chinese-girlfriends-are-superior/

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Trader and I have recently been discussing travel plans and he’s tentatively invited me to his family holidays in South Africa this December 2011. Hence, not wanting to make any radical decisions, I’ve asked my mom for advice.

Her wisdom surprises me. Just to give a context, my brother’s kinda-girlfriend accompanied our family last December to Boracay (an island in the Philippines), and I’ve had reservations on why a girl from a good family is even allowed to do so. Usually, conservative families would like to “save” the girl’s reputation and not allow the woman out of their sight (much less a family vacation) unless they are married. My mother uses this as an example on what a girl should do if ever she was allowed to join her future in laws on vacation:

I think she knows me very well and shares the following problems:

Personally mom thinks it is ok but it is very crucial for you and ithink it would be very difficult for you.

1)  Before going to boracay, i told your brother’s girlfriend (let’s call her Ann) that this trip dad is observing her.

so her center of attraction is for dad.  same for you , your should be the one doing the choir and keeping the mother company at the trip

2)  dont give too much attention to your brother because dad is very jealous if other gets more attention than him

so you have to keep your distance from benson and be like a good daughter in law for Trader’s family

3)  you have to always keep your good mood and good smiling to the other members of the family

in short, the whole trip you have a berden of a feeling that you are bEING WATCHED AND GRADED AND SIZED UP

kNOWING you Bonita, i dont know if you can be like mom.  For the whole trip, you will like be LIVING FOR OTHER PEOPLE.

do you get what i mean? 

if you are too close to Trader, they will jealous, 
If you dont help, then you are not a good daughter in law. 
If you spent too much, gastador ka. This means you spend a lot. (you should not buy too much.  but buy for them, siyempre is ok)
if you pay for the dinner or lunch, you are pahambok (or arrogant)
If you dont pay for the dinner or lunch every now and then, you are a burden to them financially
if you dont help carry luggage, you are not useful
if you dont make kuwento (tell stories) to parents, you are not interesting
if you sleep too long at night, takaw tulog ka (you are lazy).  you should be up early and preparing for the day.

with you going with them, of course the parents would like to relax, sit back and enjoy.  anyway, there is this Bonita whom they can try out naman

think about it.  but maybe mom is too conservative lang.  maybe mom just worry too much.

if i may suggest, let us give dad this email about your brother’s girlfriend and about the discussion of is it ok ba to go with Trader’s family or not

but second thought, if you REALLY LIKE TO GO and dad dont agree with it, then asking his permsission will make your trip impossible.

but if you just go without letting him know and he found out later, then you and Trader are in deep trouble.  deadball na rin si Trader kay dad.  dad will condemn him of doing things behind his back.

dont really know but asof NOW, Bonita.  MAYBE LET Trader GIVE YOU THE ANSWER.

FIRST Trader has to decide if he is TO INVITE YOU TO GO WITH HIS PARENTS ON A TOUR.THAT MEANS SEEING THEM AND BEING WITH THEM FOR THE PERIOD OFTHE TOUR

SECOND let Trader decide how HE IS GOING TO ASK PERMISSION FROM DAD after he decides to ask you to join.  It should not be your worry but throw the ball back to Trader.  so that whatever outcome he be responsible NOT Bonita

AS of now, you sit back, relax and enjoy your study. DONT let Trader feels that you are worry about going with his parents for the trip.  but MOST IMPORTANTLY Bonita, show Trader that you ENTRUST THE WHOLE SENARIO TO HIS ARRANGEMENT.

Maybe it’s just me but I see the wisdom in her words.

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Trader and I were discussing the successful Portugal bond offering tonight.

Unlike many couples who talk about movies they watched or food they ate, our discussions in the evening can reach to the weird (i.e., how foreign companies handle Chinese JVs milking them and their technologies for all they’re worth — they think of it as “rape, but then again, if you relax, it’ll hurt even less”) to the dailies (i.e., Bank of China now allowed individuals to open RMB accounts in the US for trading).

You can then imagine how insanely boring our topics may be to the non-financial mind. Actually, Trader is bored. He hates talking about his work, while I, like the curious child that I am love to ask him about today’s news and the markets.

This as you can understand had caused a bit of tension between us. Having to wake up at 6:00am daily makes Trader grumpy. Me as more of an evening person, I am a bouncing bunny of energy.

Sigh, we are totally incompatible on the biological clock sense, but anyway, we’re re-negotiating our terms.

So before I digress, Trader started ranting over a trade he didn’t make yesterday. Consequently, the stock rose almost 7% today due to news on the successful Portugese bond issuance.

“Fuck, my stocks are up 10% from yesterday,” he said. He was waiting for the right time to enter, and apparently, he waited a bit too long.

“Don’t worry baby. You can wait till Spain and Italy bond issuance comes out,” I consoled him. “If the results are bad, then the stocks would drop again given the market uncertainty.”

“Or,” I continued. “Why not buy some now so that in case it doesn’t go down, you still haven’t missed the wave. The stock regardless of your entry point is still trading at cheap.”

“No worries, I’m quite particular about my entry points,” said he.

Afterwards, he said, “I hope you don’t take it the wrong way bee.”

“Oh f*ck,” I thought.

“But going forward, if I rant about the stock market, can you please not tell me what I should do?” he continued. “I want to keep an open mindset as much as possible.”

Whoopsie.

“Okay, I’ll just try to listen.”

“Yes, you can ask and listen. Not influence how traders think,” Trader suggested.

As an aspiring salesperson, I’d love to know what everyone thinks. What traders think, what my clients think… so I can consolidate the data and get consensus. So I can have a better grasp of the market.

“Sure,” I conceded. “So long as when I tell you something, you have to give me an opinion.”

I feel that I’m the guy in our house who hears a problem and immediately offers a solution. Meanwhile, Trader acts similar to what a girl does in this case, who only wants her partner to helpfully listen and sympathize. Not really come in super macho and save the day.

Don’t get me wrong. I do appreciate Trader in many ways.

It’s just quite funny how much we are different in some ways.

Pray for me – I need it for something later. Love you all!

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I am afraid that the WSJ would not give anyone access but here is a beautiful article on the difference of Chinese parenting. In my case, it’s my dad, who may or may not have scarred me for life.

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A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it’s like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I’ve done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

• attend a sleepover

• have a playdate

• be in a school play

• complain about not being in a school play

• watch TV or play computer games

• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A

• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• play any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not play the piano or violin.

I’m using the term “Chinese mother” loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I’m also using the term “Western parents” loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.

From Ms. Chua’s album: ‘Mean me with Lulu in hotel room… with score taped to TV!’

All the same, even when Western parents think they’re being strict, they usually don’t come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It’s hours two and three that get tough.

Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that “stressing academic success is not good for children” or that “parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun.” By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be “the best” students, that “academic achievement reflects successful parenting,” and that if children did not excel at school then there was “a problem” and parents “were not doing their job.” Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.

 When it comes to parenting, the Chinese seem to produce children who display academic excellence, musical mastery and professional success – or so the stereotype goes. WSJ’s Christina Tsuei speaks to two moms raised by Chinese immigrants who share what it was like growing up and how they hope to raise their children.

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it’s math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.

Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can’t. Once when I was young—maybe more than once—when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me “garbage” in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn’t damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn’t actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.

As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.

The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable—even legally actionable—to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, “Hey fatty—lose some weight.” By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of “health” and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her “beautiful and incredibly competent.” She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)

Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, “You’re lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you.” By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they’re not disappointed about how their kids turned out.

I’ve thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets.

First, I’ve noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children’s self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children’s psyches. Chinese parents aren’t. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.

For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child “stupid,” “worthless” or “a disgrace.” Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child’s grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher’s credentials.

If a Chinese child gets a B—which would never happen—there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.

Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn’t get them, the Chinese parent assumes it’s because the child didn’t work hard enough. That’s why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)

Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it’s probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it’s true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.

By contrast, I don’t think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view. “Children don’t choose their parents,” he once said to me. “They don’t even choose to be born. It’s parents who foist life on their kids, so it’s the parents’ responsibility to provide for them. Kids don’t owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids.” This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.

Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children’s own desires and preferences. That’s why Chinese daughters can’t have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can’t go to sleepaway camp. It’s also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, “I got a part in the school play! I’m Villager Number Six. I’ll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I’ll also need a ride on weekends.” God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.

Don’t get me wrong: It’s not that Chinese parents don’t care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It’s just an entirely different parenting model.

Here’s a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called “The Little White Donkey” by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cute—you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with its master—but it’s also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.

Lulu couldn’t do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.

“Get back to the piano now,” I ordered.

“You can’t make me.”

“Oh yes, I can.”

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu’s dollhouse to the car and told her I’d donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn’t have “The Little White Donkey” perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, “I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?” I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn’t do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.

Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu—which I wasn’t even doing, I was just motivating her—and that he didn’t think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn’t do the technique—perhaps she didn’t have the coordination yet—had I considered that possibility?

“You just don’t believe in her,” I accused.

“That’s ridiculous,” Jed said scornfully. “Of course I do.”

“Sophia could play the piece when she was this age.”

“But Lulu and Sophia are different people,” Jed pointed out.

“Oh no, not this,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Everyone is special in their special own way,” I mimicked sarcastically. “Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don’t worry, you don’t have to lift a finger. I’m willing to put in as long as it takes, and I’m happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games.”

I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn’t let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.

Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together—her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing—just like that.

Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.

“Mommy, look—it’s easy!” After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn’t leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed “The Little White Donkey” at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, “What a perfect piece for Lulu—it’s so spunky and so her.”

Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children’s self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child’s self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there’s nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn’t.

There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids’ true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it’s a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what’s best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.

—Amy Chua is a professor at Yale Law School and author of “Day of Empire” and “World on Fire: How Exporting Free Market Democracy Breeds Ethnic Hatred and Global Instability.” This essay is excerpted from “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” by Amy Chua, to be published Tuesday by the Penguin Press, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Copyright © 2011 by Amy Chua.

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Today, we were asked to defend the position, “The company should produce a very violent ad in a children’s toy (specifically an army helicopter) if ordered by a very important client even though the owner of the business believes that such move is unethically correct.”

We prepared to the best of our abilities and I think we defended our difficult stance in class today. Below are the reasons on why we believe that the company should produce the violent ad.

This semester, we have to undergo around 7 hours of ethics class for four weeks. Ethics is really a difficult class to teach. I mean, how do you teach someone to be good, right?

I do believe however that ethics should be taught with an open mind. In a way, I do believe that everything is subjective and not everything can be split by black and white. If a terrorist holds your wife at gunpoint and orders you to give the ransom money, would you dare wait for him to shoot because you didn’t want to aid terrorists for the principle of it?

Honestly speaking, compared to my classmates, I think I’m relatively less ethical.

Don’t get me wrong. I still do what I think is right but I do believe that most people are just too self-righteous and uptight. They should be more open-minded that there’s a lot of gray areas in the world and so long as no one gets hurt, it’s NOT illegal and doesn’t go against my personal values and beliefs, then sure, why not?

Haha, again, this is a less popular stance. I wish that the world was all rosy and bright but who are we kidding ourselves? The world is a mean, bad place so yes, we have to adjust. It’s never just the question on what is right and what is wrong. Sometimes, we cannot really say.

Anyway, have a great weekend ahead!

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1)       Research on media violence is generally inconclusive.

• Whether media violence causes increased levels of aggression and violence with young kids has always been a perennial question of media effects research. And yet, they are also inconclusive. Whereas some may claim that children who has a higher exposure to media violence may behave more aggressively and affect them as adults years later, ” others, like Jonathan Freedman of the University of Toronto, maintain that “the scientific evidence simply does not show that watching violence either produces violence in people, or desensitizes them to it.”
• In addition, there is a lack of consensus about media effects specifically reflecting three “grey areas” or constraints contained in the research itself.

-         First, media violence is notoriously hard to define and measure. Some experts who track violence in television programming, such as George Gerbner of Temple University, define violence as the act (or threat) of injuring or killing someone, independent of the method used or the surrounding context. Accordingly, Gerber includes cartoon violence in his data-set. But others, such as University of Laval professors Guy Paquette and Jacques de Guise, specifically exclude cartoon violence from their research because of its comical and unrealistic presentation.

-         Second, researchers disagree over the type of relationship the data supports. Some argue that exposure to media violence causes aggression. Others say that the two are associated, but that there is no causal connection. (That both, for instance, may be caused by some third factor.) And others say the data supports the conclusion that there is no relationship between the two at all.

-         Third, even those who agree that there is a connection between media violence and aggression disagree about how one affects the other. Some say that the mechanism is a psychological one, rooted in the ways we learn. For example, Huesmann argues that children develop “cognitive scripts” that guide their own behaviour by imitating the actions of media heroes. As they watch violent shows, children learn to internalize scripts that use violence as a way to problem solve.

2)         Many of the research are biased, erroneous and do not use proper sample sizes, causing misleading conclusions.

 

• “In 1960, University of Michigan Professor Leonard Eron studied 856 grade three students living in a semi-rural community in Columbia County, New York, and found that the children who watched violent television at home behaved more aggressively in school. Eron wanted to track the effect of this exposure over the years, so he revisited Columbia County in 1971, when the children who participated in the 1960 study were 19 years of age. He found that boys who watched violent TV when they were eight were more likely to get in trouble with the law as teenagers. When Eron and Huesmann returned to Columbia County in 1982, the subjects were 30 years old. They reported that those participants who had watched more violent TV as eight-year-olds were more likely, as adults, to be convicted of serious crimes, to use violence to discipline their children, and to treat their spouses aggressively.”

-              Pulitzer Prize-winning author Richard Rhodes has attacked Eron’s work, arguing that his conclusions are based on an insignificant amount of data. Rhodes claims that Eron had information about the amount of TV viewed in 1960 for only 3 of the 24 men who committed violent crimes as adults years later. Rhodes concludes that Eron’s work is “poorly conceived, scientifically inadequate, biased and sloppy if not actually fraudulent research.”

 

• “Columbia University professor Jeffrey Johnson has found that the effect is not limited to violent shows. Johnson tracked 707 families in upstate New York for 17 years, starting in 1975. In 2002, Johnson reported that children who watched one to three hours of television each day when they were 14 to 16 years old were 60 per cent more likely to be involved in assaults and fights as adults than those who watched less TV. Kansas State University professor John Murray concludes, “The most plausible interpretation of this pattern of correlations is that early preference for violent television programming and other media is one factor in the production of aggressive and antisocial behavior when the young boy becomes a young man.”

 

-              Guy Cumberbatch, head of the Communications Research Group, a U.K. social policy think tank, has equally harsh words for Johnson’s study. Cumberbatch claims Johnson’s group of 88 under-one-hour TV watchers is “so small, it’s aberrant.” And, as journalist Ben Shouse points out, other critics say that Johnson’s study “can’t rule out the possibility that television is just a marker for some unmeasured environmental or psychological influence on both aggression and TV habits.”

3)       To directly link and accuse some violence in media spot ads solely to violent acts of the future simplifies and misleads the issue. They underestimate the power and influence of good parenting. There are numerous reasons on why people may become more violent. One factor is: poor parenting. Research state that family attitudes to violent content are more important than the images themselves.

• For those researchers who argue that violence desensitizes kids to the consequences of violence, and video games have taught them how to handle a gun, others, like psychiatrist Serge Tisseron, maintain, “just because a film has a murder scene doesn’t mean people are going to commit the act… That overstates the power of the image and under-estimates the role of parents.” Researchers report that parental attitudes towards media violence can mitigate the impact it has on children. Huesmann and Bacharach conclude, “Family attitudes and social class are stronger determinants of attitudes toward aggression than is the amount of exposure to TV…[1]“
• University of Toronto Professor Jonathan Freedman points out that Japanese television has some of the most violent imagery in the world, and yet Japan has a much lower murder rate than other countries, including Canada and the United States, which have comparatively less violence on TV.
• A number of studies suggest that media is only one of a number of variables that put children at risk of aggressive behavior. It could be so many things none of which may include violence. For example, a Norwegian study found that the lack of parental rules regulating what the boys watched was a more significant predictor of aggressive behavior than the amount of media violence they watched. It also indicated that exposure to real world violence, together with exposure to media violence, created an “overload” of violent events. Boys who experienced this overload were more likely to use violent media images to create and consolidate their identities as members of an anti-social and marginalized group.

4)       Crusade against media violence is a form of censorship that, if successful, would seriously hamper artistic expression.

 

• Researchers R. Hodge and D. Tripp, for example, argue that, “Media violence is qualitatively different from real violence: it is a natural signifier of conflict and difference, and without representations of conflict, art of the past and present would be seriously impoverished.”

 

• Many commentators, from artists to film makers to historians, agree. Comic-book creator Gerard Jones contends that violent video games, movies, music and comic books enable people to pull themselves out of emotional traps, “integrating the scariest, most fervently denied fragments of their psyches into fuller sense of selfhood through fantasies of superhuman combat and destruction.” Pulitzer-Prize-winning author Richard Rhodes says that video game violence enables young people to safely challenge their feelings of powerlessness.

 

• We’ve found that every aspect of even the trashiest pop-culture story can have its own developmental function… Identification with a rebellious, even destructive, hero helps children learn to push back against a modern culture that cultivates fear and teaches dependency. (Source: Gerard Jones, Violent Media is Good for Kids, 2000)
  
• Psychologist Melanie Moore concludes: “Fear, greed, power-hunger, rage: these are aspects of our selves that we try not to experience in our lives but often want, even need, to experience vicariously through stories of others. Children need violent entertainment in order to explore the inescapable feelings that they’ve been taught to deny, and to reintegrate those feelings into a more whole, more complex, more resilient selfhood.”
• Violence as reality. The frequent and graphic violence in [the] critically acclaimed film [Saving Private Ryan] is a reminder that the portrayal of violent behavior can serve artistic and moral purposes. (Source: Center for Media and Public Affairs, 1999)

5)       Ads like War Toys as a form of free speech and expression.

• The American Booksellers Foundation for Free Expression lists a number of reasons to protect media violence as a form of free expression: 

-              Censorship won’t solve the root causes of violence in society

-              Deciding what is “acceptable” content is necessarily a subjective exercise

-              Many of the plays, books and films banned in the past are considered classics today

-              It’s up to individuals and not governments to decide what’s appropriate for themselves and their children

6)       Media Violence as Consumers’ Choice – It’s really up to the viewer to decide what to watch. If you don’t like television violence, then turn off the TV and encourage your kids to read books instead.

• There are many tools to help monitor how children watches television. One such tool is the V-chip, which enables parents to program their televisions with pre-set industry ratings to screen out certain shows. Keith Spicer, former chair of the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission, calls the V-chip a “sexy, telegenic little gizmo that fulfills the fantasy of a magic wand.”
• From this perspective, people don’t just passively absorb messages transmitted through the media; they choose which media to consume and are actively involved in determining what the meaning of the messages will be. And that process doesn’t occur in a social vacuum. Personal experiences affect what we watch and how we make sense of it. Our class position, our religious upbringing, our level of education, our family setting, and our peer groups all have a role to play in how we understand violent content.

 

• Jenkins draws a different lesson from the shooting in Littleton: “Media images may have given [the Columbine shooters] symbols to express their rage and frustration, but the media did not create the rage or generate their alienation. What sparked the violence was not something they saw on the internet or on television, not some song lyric or some sequence from a movie, but things that really happened to them… If we want to do something about the problem, we are better off focusing our attention on negative social experiences and not the symbols we use to talk about those experiences.”

7)       Some research states that media violence desensitizes people to real violence. But is this really a bad thing? 

 

• A number of studies in the 1970’s showed that people who are repeatedly exposed to media violence tend to be less disturbed when they witness real world violence, and have less sympathy for its victims. For example, Professors V.B. Cline, R.G. Croft, and S. Courrier studied young boys over a two-year period. In 1973, they reported that boys who watch more than 25 hours of television per week are significantly less likely to be aroused by real world violence than those boys who watch 4 hours or less per week. When researchers Fred Molitor and Ken Hirsch revisited this line of investigation in 1994, their work confirmed that children are more likely to tolerate aggressive behaviour in the real world if they first watch TV shows or films that contain violent content.
   
• We do need a certain level of desensitivity for self-protection. For boys to be boys. To be engaged in joining the army. Truth is, there is evil in the world and it we sometimes have no choice but to fight. 

 

-              Now let’s talk about evil and our response to it, which we call Vigilance. Your love for your family should at least make you want fight, stop, or prevent any of the following: home invaders, muggers, rapists, school shooters, bullies, A-holes, abusive parents, crooked politicians, or your drunken relative ruining your Christmas party. What if there was a drug dealer hanging around your kid’s bus stop? What if your daughter’s prom date gave her a black eye? Robbers, rapists, and murderers—all these people have evil motivations and must to be stopped. You should call the cops of your kid’s drug dealer, and press charges against your daughter’s abusive boyfriend, let your dog’s bark and bite ward off your home invaders. This force we use and these steps we take to prevent violence and stop evil. 

-              Vigilance is to recognize and call-out evil. It seems like we live in a nation of pacified masses who have no stomach for peace keeping. We don’t stand up to evil; we ignore it as long as it doesn’t affect us. I think of the 20 odd school shootings from the last two decades. 1998, Springfield Oregon, Kip Kinkel opened fire in his high school. He was taken down and subdued by wrestler Jake Ryker, who took a bullet for his heroism. Ryker most likely knew what he was made of inside, I’m positive he tested his mettle wrestling and it came out that fateful day.  Ryker lived, but one of the heroes of Virginia Tech was not so lucky. Liviu Librescu, a Holocaust survivor and professor, barred his classroom’s door shut to enable his students’ escape. The scary thing about that shooting is the amount of people who were shot dead execution style. The Gunman had to reload several times to continue his killing spree, which stretched over 2 hours total. Most of the heroes of that shooting were killed or injured that day. It’s hard to believe there was no Jake Ryker to subdue the shooter. I don’t know if anyone tried. I don’t know what I would have done. What about you?

8)       Kids are not as stupid as we think they are. It is a gross simplification to assume that kids are incapable of serious reflection and imitate mindlessly. It’s as if we assume that they will imitate only good actions in the absence of bad.

• Violence seen on the media is not real, and that children understand this. Long before children watched violent cartoons, they listened to violent stories. Even our most cherished fairy tales often contain bloodshed. In fact, modern versions of fairy tales tend to be a lot less violent than the originals. For example, in Hans Christen Anderson’s The Little Mermaid, the little mermaid has her tongue cut out, almost stabs her prince, and dies; Disney’s famous version of this classic tale is significantly happier and less violent.

• Some violence in the media was meant to teach a practical lesson. Many gladiators were condemned criminals, so their violent and entertaining death served as a warning against would-be criminals. Public executions have served the same purpose throughout history. Fairy tales also warned children against the dangers of misbehaving. For example, the little mermaid disobeyed the rules of her father and her people, and she suffered as a result. Children, like adults, are naturally drawn to violent images, and it is possible for children to learn valuable lessons from violent stories.

Bottomline: Not following clients’ orders would ensure Branson loses this account. He is just making a mountain out of a molehill. There was nothing illegal about the client request. Also, there are already regulatory boards in place to monitor and place these advertising properly. The federal government is responsible in ensuring proper compliance of guidelines. If the ad passes the guidelines, then, Branson Associates is doing nothing wrong. Business is business and if this is what the client wants and everything is legal, who has the right to say that there is too much violence in media nowadays?

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[1] …which is nevertheless a significant but weaker predictor.

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My family is kinda nuts.

My father is strict, while my mother is a nervous wreck (aka praning in Tagalog).

Put it this way, since I am not always in Manila and my dad was playing mah-jong this evening, my brother and I were given free reign to do whatever we wanted for the evening. After meeting up with my high school classmates, we settled on a delicious dinner at Fely Js Philippine Cuisine at Greenbelt 5. We were joined by his newly minted girlfriend.

Dinner was yum — we had tilapia with plum sauce (around Php350), ginataang kangkong, pork with bagoong and dilis rice.

Afterwards, we decided to have some massage. A 2-hour session was Php 400 and included a foot and back massage with relaxing volcanic stone treatment.

30 minutes into the massage, my nervous mother calls us up repeatedly asking us to go home. She was afraid that my dad would finish his mahjong earlier and wanted us to be home before they did or “all hell would break lose.”

“You better go home now,” she said repeating this statement around three times. Eh mom – how can we go home if you’re talking to us on the phone hmmm?

So we had to:

1) Tell our masseuses that we had to stop.
2) Tell my brother’s sleeping girlfriend that we had to stop massage.
3) Explain to her why we had to stop.
4) Rush home before dad did.

Mind you, we are already like old. And we’re still acting like kids.

When we dropped my brother’s girlfriend home, I joked, “If she still sticks with you after this, she’s a keeper. This is one reason why I don’t bring Trader into the family too often.”

My brother is distressed but shrugs. It does make sense. Since the woman is coming into the family, if she cannot even accept who our background is, then so be it.

She calls my brother anyway for their usual video games session. He breathes a sigh of belief.

I like her. She’s cool.

Anyway, my family — particularly my dad and my mom — are kinda nuts. Sigh, I really do hope that Trader can accept myself and my family for who we are.

Have a great week guys!

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2010 had been a year of new beginnings and many changes. Here’s a brief rundown:

January 2010: Trader and I had already been together for the last eight months and our relationship is rocky. We fight a lot because he somehow makes a lot of hirits (underhanded comments) about other women and my weight. It pisses me off. Regardless, we are in a serious relationship and I am starting to think of the relationship on a long-term way.

Career-wise, I am doing our firm’s largest conference for the second time. I am more relaxed this time around and the event was very successful. I do experienced a huge bout of food poisoning on the last day of the conference. Experienced what it’s like to have myself checked in a Mandarin hospital. It ain’t that bad after you get used to the zig zags and confusion.

===============

February 2010: Trader visits for an investor conference. I find out that my house got burglerized and my precious laptop and all my photos got stolen! Sucks.

Went back to Manila and Met Trader’s parents – they hate me. Oh well, you can’t really win them all, but for sure, I don’t have any bad feelings against them. They did a good job raising Trader and I’ll love them for it.

Favorite post that month: The Allure of the Married Guy

===============

March 2010: I take a leap and my GMAT, applying for HKUST the very next day. The essays were a bit of a bitch but not as difficult as I love to write. What sucks however is my laptop got stolen the month before — taking along my almost-finished essays. Sighing, I do them all over again.

I was torn between doing my MBA part-time or full-time especially since my colleagues are pressuring me to NOT quit my job. I finally submitted my application citing that I am interested in a full-time degree and crossed my fingers. Figured, it’s harder to transfer from the part-time program to the full-time instead of vice-versa.

Favorite post that month: At the Crossroad

===============

April 2010: I went on a nine-day trip to Eastern Europe, jetting to Germany, Czech Republic, Austria and Hungary and buying beautiful things from Prada when I can still afford it. Warning: I love the purse, but the bag can be a tad bit heavy. And with no zippers, not as practical especially in areas where pickpocketers are rampant.

I have just gotten my acceptance letter to HKUST after one round of live interviews. I got the letter before I left for Germany and pondered over the issue. When I got back, I told my boss about it and he’s been encouraging. So I kinda resigned right then and there.

It’s funny – telling your boss you’re resigning is liberating. I lose a bit of that energy for work and get to work at 9:30 am for the first time I started working. I feel a bit guilty. My colleagues are snickering but they still don’t know I’m leaving them yet. Their panic comes later when they find out through other channels.

Favorite post that month: Why a relationship is like a branded bag

=================

May 2010: People are surprised when they found out I’m quitting and choosing a Hong Kong university (and not an overseas university) for my MBA. This is the reason. I finally decided to do my MBA full time. This is the reason.

Trader and I celebrate our 1st year anniversary on May 16. I write a post listing 50 reasons that people didn’t know about myself and Trader. Full of vanity really, but this is my blog so I figured I could write whatever I wanted. Haha.

I travel to Shanghai to see the Expo on my own eyes with my parents. Here are my comments (without photos) about the event. Just too freaking lazy to post long posts about it. But it’s spectacular.

After seeing my pregnant friends transform into aunties, I write this post. Quite mean in a way, but brutally honest.

=================

June 2010: I bid goodbye to my office after almost 4 years of service (am one month too short). I travel to Singapore and celebrate my first day of bumhood there. After a few days in Singapore where I celebrated Trader’s birthday, I travel to Egypt. I attempt to post about my experience but think lasted for only a few days. This is my post on my first day in the Karnak Temple.

- To be continued -

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We welcome 2011 after a long shower of fireworks in the sky. Celebrating new year’s in the Philippines has always been a blast. At times, it feels that  a real war was going on outside given the noise of fireworks everywhere!

As we welcome the new year, I wonder what lies ahead…

Career-wise, it sounds very exciting. Though I have no offers so far, I do wonder what sort of summer associate internship I’d end up with — hopefully, it would be with the sell-side but who can tell?

However, I do have confidence that this time in December 2011 as we welcome the new year, I would have a full-time offer (as we graduate on January 2012). Crossing my fingers it would be my dream job.

Love-life wise, Trader and I are sailing amidst choppy waters. He promises that things would work out between us so we shall see. A guy can always talk but it’s only when he really delivers that we can say if he’s serious or not. So far, so good.

Family-wise, I do hope that my 77-year old father would be less hot tempered and his health to improve. My mother’s eyes to get better. My brother to really work on his business and make it right.

For school, may we choose the right courses that would be relevant for my career and may I have really good professors. And please, no more procrastinating slackers in my group. I am already old enough.

Hopefully, I would be older and wiser.

Happy new year everyone!

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This was where I spent December 26 to 30 with the family — Boracay, a beautiful island in the middle of the Philippines known for its 5 kilometers strip of white fine sand beach.

To get to Boracay, we did the following:

• Take a one-hour domestic flight from Manila to Caticlan
• Take a 1.5 hour bus ride from Caticlan to Kalibo
• Take a 20-minute boat ride to the island of Boracay
• Take another 20 minute bus ride to get to the beach strip
• Walk for 15 minutes from the entrance of beach strip (because they don’t allow cars near the water) to our hotel

I would highly recommend that you use the service Island Star Express for help with the transfers exclusive of the airfare. The total cost for transfers is PhP 950 per person, which is worth it given that you need to transfer through air, land and sea before arriving in your destination. Trust me, negotiating separately is NOT worth the hassle.

Their office is as follows:

• Kalibo Office: Tel. No: +63 36-268 2355
• Makati Office: +632 845 2222 to 26
• Boracay Office: +63 36 288 6644

They’re very well experienced already having been in the Boracay transfer business for over a decade. I’ve lost my papers by stupidly forgetting them on the bus to Kalibo but through some quick thinking and coordination, the coordinator was able to get it back to me. I am very pleased with their top-notch service.

We stayed at the Mandarin Boracay which was around Php 8,800 a night for a regular room. The pros is that it’s just 10 steps away from the beachfront and their service is quite fast.

Be careful about check-outs though. Given the peak season, they’ve been relatively strict with us checking out over the 12:00pm check-out time. I also didn’t like their room chair and hard pillows but these are minor complaints.

The location is quite flexible and it shows in the price. D’Mall which was a few minutes walk away also had a wide array of expensive shopping and cheap food to choose from. I would strongly encourage everyone to try the beachfront buffets which ranged around Php 300 per head. Quite reasonable actually.

Water-sports wise, we managed to squeeze the following over the last few days:

• Flyfishing (Php 350 per head) – a tamer version of banana boating

• Helmet diving (Php 400 per head inclusive of photo CD and fish feeding)

• Parasailing (Php 1,100 per head for 30 minutes up in the air) – totally worth it! Scary, but worth the experience
• Island hopping (Php 1,000 per boat for some snorkeling and traveling around the island)
• Scuba diving (Pho 1,350 per person for 30 minutes if you already have an open water license)

Of all the activities, I loved parasailing the most. Given that it was my first time, we were really super high up the air around 50 meters, and the wind was strong enough that it was moving us back and forth swaying.

We wondered what it would be like if the rope snapped at us. Haha, definitely it would be a really dangerous freaky accident if we landed on our butts in the water!

Anyway, it was a whole lot of fun. Boracay is indeed as beautiful as I’ve heard people say it was. Perfect for those who want to party all night long and have fun doing water sports in the daytime as well. The beach itself is amazing.

Am tired now so going to take my zzzs! The last day of 2010 – hope that everyone celebrates a very happy new year!

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1) A customer-facing sales job in the sell-side… please, I ain’t smart enough for anything else! Haha, but honestly, it’s more of an ideal fit to my customer-focused, results-oriented personality.

2) A light-colored Bottega Veneta shoulder bag. Not that I’m past Miu Miu, Ballys and Pradas, but hey, the ability to actually be able to afford this baby just means that I’m employed again.

3) To ace my summer associate intership interviews and be offered a full-time job post the gruesome 3 month live interview.

4) For our love to blossom and through time, patience and a lot of communication, Trader and I can smoothen out our major differences and live relatively peaceful lives.

5) Good health to my and Trader’s families. You only have one life to live, better live it to the longest.

6) Great professors in my HKUST MBAs who can teach me life-changing takeaways.

7) For me to be a total pro in valuations and be able to get my financial technical skills down pat.

8) My butt not to hurt. Lately, it’s been quite sore from all the studying.

9) My mom’s eyesight to get way better.

10) Lifelong friendships to be made in and out of my MBA

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I’ve noticed that there are far more non-Singaporeans in Singapore nowadays. These are the men who man the Kilkenny Coffeeshops or sell cosmetics at Isetan.  

“The problem is that the Singaporean youth is far too sheltered,” one insider had commented. “They have no qualms in turning their backs away from jobs if they think it’s not worth their time. The problem is, the jobs that they believe are worth their time are far more limited. So people who get employed are the non-Singaporeans.”

 

“The most dangerous thing is when somebody believes he/she is entitled to something,” Trader added. “If everyone feels the same way, then the society will go downhill.” 

I have the greatest respect for Singaporeans. My godfather is Singaporean, and I’ve always liked that Singapore is so clean and orderly. However, through the years, I feel that Singapore has deteriorated a bit.

 

“The women don’t dress up and wear their regular tanktops, shorts and flipflops,” I commented. “The issue is they drag their feet on the floor. They stand sloppily. They don’t try as hard.”

 

I think that a society that stops trying their very best is on the road to uncompetitiveness. Though some parents may complain that their kids study too hard and carry too many books, I think it’s a good thing. With children in India and China who try doubly hard to succeed in the world, we really have to toughen up to remain competitive. Just being good enough is apparently not enough. 

If there’s any regret I have in my life, it’s that I wasn’t pushed hard enough.

My parents were happy enough that I was a relatively healthy, well-behaved child. Sure, they still have remnants of traditional Chinese parents (e.g., my dad lamenting I didn’t graduate with honors so he couldn’t post his congratulations on the local newspaper), but then again, they were happy if I was content, settled and married.

 

The fact that I am not yet married distresses my mother especially. “I’m glad you haven’t killed each other yet,” she once told Trader. “Bonita has a few odd quirks that you need to get used to.”

 Anyway, let me get back to the topic before I digress. Trader tells me I push myself too hard. However, having worked with Mainlanders before, I don’t think I’m good enough yet. I feel that I need to work harder, and try harder or be content with my fate. If Trader had his way, it would’ve been a sweet housewife to two to three kids.

 

Anyway, I cannot help but notice how Singapore is losing its competitive edge. With the rise of China, where else would Singapore go? Yes, they’re now exporting high-tech medicines but till when can they keep this competitive advantage?

 I am thinking too hard again which is really useless. My flight leaves soon enough for Hong Kong. Tomorrow, I’ll be back in the Philippines with family. The next couple of days would be hectic, but I do look forward to a relaxing 2-week vacation. To be honest, my Singapore vacation went by too fast.

Hope all is well with all. Take care and happy holidays!

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Spending my first days of my three week holidays with Trader in Singapore. I left almost as soon as I finished my final exams.

After 12 classes, 24 units out of 52, we are now done with our first fall semester. Note to self: Do not ever get any 6-class semesters anymore. They’re crazy and makes me want to jump off a building.

Life with Trader is a lot more laidback. I think it’s part of his mysterious plan to encourage me to turn my back from the pressure-filled work and just become a tai tai and have tea with the ladies (yuck!).

Back in school, my schedule everyday was like this: Wake at 8am, Class at 9am till 12:30pm, Lunch till around 2pm, then we have the option of:

a) Groupwork at the library. This comfortably lasts 2 to 3 hours depending on the subject.
b) Recruitment event either on campus or in the HKUST Building in Central. This comfortably lasts 2 hours.
c) Extra-curricular meetings on conferences, events, etc. This lasts quite a while too.
d) A combination of A, B, and/or C. Kill me nao

I think my life as an MBA is far more hectic than when I was working. Back then, I still had my Sundays. At HKUST, call me a nerd but my Sundays are purely devoted to working or studying. Drives me up the wall.

So after 3.5 months of non-stop work, there is silence.

I am enjoying this silence. This ability to actually sleep early and not at 3am, and to wake up later than my usual schedule. 

I like the fact that I can actually plan my day with pockets of spare time in between instead of cramming as much as I can. Even then however, I still have my macroeconomics paper, and some research to be done today.

Trader wants to eat my cooking, but I told him the home-cooked dinner would have to wait tomorrow. I am really just too stressed out today for a phone interview tomorrow.

Okay, gotta start eating my breakfast and working. Talk soon! Will update more now that we’re comfortably on vacation!

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It’s funny. Many of my classmates would like to change careers and enter investment banking.

“Why?” I asked.

“I like challenges…” they answer.

Pffft. They have no clue that investment banking is not about just tackling a challenge. It’s a freaking marathon. The no sleep, no life, no relationship marathon.

My investment banker friends live in airports. To get a girlfriend, they call you up and ask for a hookup. They try again if they don’t get it, but if you do agree, you’re the girlfriend in that port.

Lord knows how many girlfriends they have in every country. Haha, how do they even have the energy?

What’s funnier is that many of my classmates who want to be in IBD are in very serious relationships right now. Makes me wonder if they really know what they’re getting themselves into.

Put it this way: If I entered investment banking at the top bank, even my ever patient Trader would break up with me.

“But why…?!” I asked Trader. It’s silly that he’ll break up with me because of a career decision.

“Because you won’t have time for me, for us anymore,” he simply answered.

He must be joking. -_-

Then again, Trader is telling the truth. When you’re working for a top-tier investment house, you can practically say goodbye to your wife/girfriend/babies. You toil for hours making changes in your model, and for waiting for a deal to go through.

And investment banking has a lot of toiling involved. Whereas people merely see the money — their real reason on entering the industry is, of course, the money — I see the cost of that money.

Investment banking pays you $$$ because they literally suck the life out from you.

And that’s no exaggeration.

When I was already in equities, I was already working as a dog. I literally checked my blackberry every other minute. I even slept with it under my pillow. Now, imagine if I was in investment banking?

I know the competitive workaholic in me — once I start a deal, I won’t stop. It swallows me whole. And I block everything else from coming in.

Besides, I’m already an arrogant biatch as I am. There’s no point in making me even more arrogant? If anything, a positive of entering this MBA program is that it brings me down to the real world: a world of inefficiencies, a confusing mix of personalities who for some reason believe that they too are right, a life that goes beyond the classroom and work.

Haha, months away from the finance world has somehow done me good. It showed me who I am, and who I am not.

A partygirl — maybe when I was 24. But now, NOT.

Someone with a sense of humor — weird humor, yes. A person who makes jokes all the time — NOT.

A super practical cold-hearted person — yes. I think I’ve been born a robot. I don’t feel as much as other people, much to my mother’s concern. Life is unfair. I’m dealing with it.

Competitive — not really. I don’t think I am, but I do my best to be better. If anything, I’m less competitive versus other people than I am to myself.

Imagine if you unleash me in investment banking. What will happen to my life? Gone, I tell you… gone!

So what fits me then if not investment banking?

Consultancy?

Nope — I suck at case interviews. I think anybody else would be far better than I am. Besides, the work is job-oriented, and I’d rather be in a place where I can continually build my relationships/knowledge in my career, instead of starting on a new project all the time.

Marketing?

Nope — not creative enough. Efficient, yes. Effective, yes. Creative, hell no.

Entrepreneural?

Sure — but what good idea do we have? I’m a firm believer that entrepreneurs should have one extremely good idea and run with it.

General management?

Nah — unless the orgainzation was uber efficient, I’d be bored to tears. I dislike 8-hour workdays. I’d prefer 12+-hour workdays that are as fast-paced and as gungho as when you first sat on your desk. Besides, I’d rather be a generalist.

So where now?

Haha, let me share with you guys post-interview sessions. I think it’s too early to say, but I do know where I do fit so most likely, would just focus my job search in this sector.

Take care you all. Have a great week!

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We’re around 5 days away from finals that arrive next week, and many of us are pooped.

We have around three quantitative subjects — Corporate Finance, Operations and Managerial Accounting — plus one Finance elective, with Information Systems and Macroeconomics to boot. Just so you can imagine our work, here’s our breakdown for the week and time required to finish it:

* Corporate Finance homework and quiz: 1.5 hours – 2.5 hours to finish. Okay enough.

* Macroeconomics: A 10-page paper about a macro issue and a 15-minute presentation that totals to a silly huge number of your grade %age. Not that I’m complaining, but just sayin’ this is an important paper!

* Information Systems: Need to study for finals. That’s 8 weeks worth of stuff. This comes after reading a 15-page case.

* Managerial Accounting: Strategy paper – check. Spent 4 hours with group discussing it, 1.5 hours preparing for it.

* Operations Management – read it for an hour if you remove all time wasted on Facebook and answering emails. The paper which is 4-pages took me around 2-3 hours to write, and I’ll prolly spend an hour or two to polish it.

* Elective – kill me now. I’ve read the notes, read the book, and I still don’t know what to do.

This came after the Finance Club held a stock pitch competition where we had 10 minutes to present about Esprit Holdings (330.HK). We spent the whole of last weekend to research about the company and then preparing a presentation. Sheesh man, and this didn’t even have an impact to our grade except for the wonders of having a great educational experience.

Tonight, I’m planning to do my elective case plus my operations paper. I plan to do my macro paper tomorrow, and then cry.

I couldn’t really bear it anymore. After sleeping till 3am everyday (and 5am last Thursday), my body just had to take its badly needed rest and I finally succumbed to a 1.5 hour blissful sleep just to ensure I don’t physically crash.

That was a great decision. Am back to form – another fight.

I think everyone else is feeling the heat on different ways.

And this btw, is the way to see who are the winners, losers, slackers, and nerds.

Haha, that’s how pressure is.

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You got that right. Your blogger is P.I.S.S.E.D.

Reason? Unresourceful, lazy classmates who make constant excuses and do mediocre work.

Given that we’ve been working professionals before our MBA, you wonder why they wouldn’t be better at work.

Yes yes, I know everyone has different motivations from getting an MBA, but seriously, how can people not respect theirselves and their work? How can they be okay in providing sub-par work?

To give you a context, we’ve been asked by our professor to come up with a research paper. The assignment was given weeks ago, and the professor even gave us the blueprint on how to write our paper, and where exactly to search the information for in the library. In other words, all we need to do is put everything together.

The day before we’re suppoed to meet with the professor, my classmates gives me a call asking where to find the information. I told them that it’s all on the references the professor provided earlier. I myself spent a few hours last Sunday looking into the data, copying and pasting into a neat Excel file.

Then two hours later, they said that the data was unavailable, and they have to pay to get the data. Mind you, this was public statistical informatoin that can be found in five major global sites like the IMF, World Bank, Economic Business Unit, etc. They said that if they wanted access to one reference, they have to pay for the annual fee.

I did the checking myself and the data was available in four other sites. Just a matter of filling in the blanks and doing the work.

Aaaaaaaaargh. What’s so difficult in tapping the name of what you need, then press SEARCH? Then putting all the data onto one Excel spreadsheet? It doesn’t really take any genius to do that.

Trader says that it’s because they’re unresourceful.

I personally think that it’s because they’re just lazy. I mean, seriously. Type the name, then press SEARCH. And everything else is an excuse?

I realize now that not all MBA students are created equal. Yes, I do know that everyone has different sets of intellectual horsepower, but what lacks is the heart, and the internal habit of success.

Anyway, gotta do my operations homework now. Argh, argh, argh.